probably...definitely.

was it something i did, something i said? probably. definitely. is there something wrong with me? probably....definitely.  when did i become this person? this person who is defective, broken, weak. i am incredible after all. im good looking, independent, sweet, sassy, bold, submissive. im smart, cute, adorable, sexy.  i own my own place, have a great job, am totally self sufficient. im creative, im light and im dark.  im the girl you want to bring home to your mother and show off to all your bros.  im the girl that everyone wants on their team. im the girl who always has your back.  im fun, playful, serious, deep.  genuine, honest, beautiful. i am all of these things and yet i am nothing. i am someone to no one and no one to everyone.  confused? me too.  why did he pick her over me ill never know. what she has to offer that i dont have ten times over ill never know. im a great catch. ive been told by many people who would know a thing or two about great catches.  im a diamond in the rough. a puppy in the pound. im just waiting to be scooped up by some lucky bastard.  and yet there are no takers. there never are.  its so easy to get a date these days. just walk outside the house.  it might even be easy to get a boyfriend.  its damn near impossible to get someone to tell me the truth. so many men, so many lies over the last few years. i dont know who or what to believe anymore. what she has over me i'll never know..but he is wrong.  i am better for him than her in every way. i am better for him than everyone in every way.  but he doesn't see. he doesn't care. doesn't see whats in front of him.  and so i cut the chord. its time now. time to float away. hopefully someone else will catch my string before i reach the atmosphere and drift so far away i have no choice but to explode and fall back to the ground. broken. torn. dead.

lunch break

I'm having another meltdown. as I'm writing in my car at work I'm crying. writing, crying, texting. It's crazy how low a human can get sometimes. I have a date tomorrow. I don't want to go. but I should. should get out of the house. should move forward with my life. I'm about to lose one of my best friends in the whole world. that one person you feel tethered to no matter how far away they may be. what happens when you cut the cord. I wonder if I'll just float away into oblivion. life is so short and yet somehow I wish it was shorter. everything I knew to be true everything I believed in is a lie. I believed that if I studied hard I'd have a great job with great people and it would make me happy. I studied and sacrificed so much and I still work with stupid people and am under appreciated. I believed that owning my own home would give me a safe haven. It's a Fucking nightmare. And because it's mine every time someone comes in and then hurts me I feel like I was raped. I thought being with your best friend would be the easiest romantic relationship I've ever had. It's by far the hardest. most confusing, most hurtful. I'm lost. v is lost in this world. No direction, no purpose, no people.  Just motions. if I could go back and do it all over again I'm not sure I would. if I had just died in kindergarten the only sadness Id know was getting sand in my eyes. back to work now.   lunch is over. I didn't eat. I'm hungry but couldn't bring myself to go to the cafeteria. kind of like the hunger pain. It'sthe only thing left I feel besides emptiness.

cant wait to spend it with you..fucker

" happy new year to you too! can't wait to spend it with you. xo! ps come back to my coast please!" from ex-girlfriend to best friend.  I read the words like there were on fire.  I immediately felt an overwhelming sense of shock and awe and before i knew it forgot how to breathe. as i read this facebook post over and over again the only thing i could think of was " i am a motherfucking idiot" could it be? could i be the other woman yet again? had he been vomiting all the same words to her as he was to me? telling her she was special, that she was perfect.  the whole time he's telling me that she's annoying and they fight all the time and he doesnt want to be with her. does he say that about me to her?  was that whole week just a fling to him? so he could get laid and his dick sucked while he was on the west coast? different hoes in different area codes.  my mind raced. he told me he only talked to her once since we started talking and that they didnt do anything. for the last 1.5 months since we hooked up over thanksgiving that i was the only girl he had even kissed. was i stupid to believe him? he's my best friend, my twin, he's never lied to me in our lives.  he told me he liked me since he was 12. was that a lie?  was EVERYTHING A TOTAL BULLSHIT CRAPSHOOT LIE! i dont know what to think. and the lack of oxygen reaching my brain was not helping. i start hyperventilating.  i get up and stagger to the bathroom and grab the sink handles. i think im going to vomit, or collapse, or both.  i start crying, i start screaming.  i was willing to be his friend. i thought he was confused. just a few days ago i said that i would be there for him in his time of need.  he played me. he played me good. maybe he did like me. then he stopped liking me after i hurt him in boston so many years ago. and he saw my weakness after my last break up as a perfect opportunity to swoop in and break me.  that is what i am. just broken.  what do you do when the man you're falling for stabs you in the back. what do you do when that man is also the one who is supposed to pick  you up.  you just fall, bleeding, hitting the ground hard and laying there getting colder and colder bleeding to fucking death.  i cant believe he played me.  he would say now that im jumping to conclusions. he leaves me no choice. he wont talk to me, wont pick up the phone, wont return my calls. if he wont tell me what is going on i have no choice but to conclude myself.  i pick up the phone to call him, still crying and it goes straight to voicemail. i call again...voicemail. i call my best girlfriend and she doesnt pick up. i cry. i scream. how is this happening to me? HOOOOWWW is this possible? how can someone you've known your whole life spew such nonsense only to take it all back the moment shit gets real.  well its real. reality is your best friends dont love you, dont trust anyone even your own family, and ill end up alone with a bunch of cats dying from being allergic to their hair.  i look at the facebook post again. "xo" fuck you bitch he hates you. or maybe he hates me too. "cant wait to spend it with you" what do you mean with you he spent both holidays and a whole week with me this month! fuck her, fuck him, fuck everyone. i am going to live in a hole in my apartment. i dont want to date. i dont want to get back out there. guys are assholes. cant even trust someone you grew up with as kids to not just follow his dick and say hey this is an opportunity to fuck my best friend that i cant pass up cause itd be a great story. my bros and i will laugh about this later when i got both these girls hearts on a string waiting for me. fuck you. im not waiting for shit. you can just cut my heart off that string. my heart belongs to no one. i dont have one left. im done giving, done caring, done loving. i check facebook again and it says he's eating dinner with his mom and one of his friends.  and while he's munching on bread and having merry conversation he has no idea the darkness ive descended into nor does he ask or care.  so go on, eat, drink, be merry. one of us has to, and i guess its too much to ask for it to be me.

twin

i contemplated calling you today. i woke up this morning and looked at my phone. no "good morning" text. no "have a great day!" nothing. just spam and work emails. oh the conundrum of adulthood. luckily i was too tired to be upset about it and just drove to work. not singing along to the radio, not dancing to "thrift shop" at work. i blasted the music so loud when i was opening this morning to drown out the sound of my own thoughts. what did i do wrong? like seriously? who knew being myself was such a major turn off? or maybe it was nothing i did. maybe it was something she did.  its possible i was totally being my usual charming self but she was being her unusual charming self and caught your attention? i dont know. i dont want to play this game. i guess this is punishment for all the games i played on men when i was younger. the senior scramble as they call it. get as many flings in as you can before you enter grown-upville and have to be a responsible committed individual retiring your player-ish ways less you be deemed an immature prick.  my friend is right. i must let you go find your way. there's so much going on in your life. i remember when i was in your shoes. the chaos, the confusion. being torn between what you love and what makes you comfortable. since what you love is often what scares the shit of you it makes sense to run..i know i did. ran all the way back home into a little hole under someones house, living on an old futon and donated furniture where the nights were always cold and the fridge always empty.  its scary out there. you're comfortable now.  being with someone whose been there for so long, being in a place you've been for so long. but your life is about to take a huge turn. i dont see that relationship lasting. i see it more of a security blanket. you know one day you'll have to let go. but in spite of all the tumultuous change of not knowing where you're going, what you'll be doing, or who you'll be doing it with you're reluctant to let go of that person whose always wanted you. who will always be there when you look back. 

but its time my love. you have to let go. maybe not for me, but for yourself.  how do you expect a plant to grow if you don't give it a bigger pot?  wherever you end up will be splendid. it'll be crazy and scary and at times totally depressing and you will miss the comforts of your old home, the people, the places, the girlfriend. you'll miss the security, the predictability.  and it hurts me to say this. it hurts me so unbelievably bad to admit that you're right to not know about us.  you're right to not know about anything right now.  just go with the flow and let the river take you wherever you'll be going.  and hopefully thats to me but theres a real possibility it wont.  and even though i can see us together in the future i cannot predict it.  its very possible that my life might take me even further away from yours (though i dont see how thats possible unless i leave the country...which i might.)  you know that saying, if you love something let it go and if it comes back to you its yours?  sad but true. you let me go 4 years ago. i vanished into thin air. that whole spring quarter/beginning of nuc med school was such a freaking mess i wouldve given anything to have been talking to you. but i fucked it up. when i needed you the most i pushed you away. im sorry for that as im sure you know since ive apologized a million times (and meant every one).  but im not going to leave you now. not when you need it the most.  the next few months will be a whirlwind. exciting but stressful. and what you need now is not some girl who is jealous of some other girl because some boy may not like her as much as some girl.  what you need is your best friend.  what you need is someone to call and bitch about that other girl, or that stupid project you had to finish. someone to tell when you finally land that interview or move to china or whatever! i will be that someone if you'll still have me.  im pretty sure im falling for you. pretty sure i have been for about 4 years now...ever since boston. but ive waited this long for you and you've waited even longer for me, i don't see why a little more time would hurt :)

Something happened yesterday I never expected to.  I can't say I didnt see it coming since i have a fairly descent intuition, but it hurt way more than i thought it would.  you know that feeling when you're on one of those rides...say dropzone...it brings you up, up, up and you get this excited anxiety that almost makes you wanna throwup if it weren't for your skin you'd go flying in every direction.  its a build, anticipation. and in the moment you linger at the top you can barely contain yourself. then, in an instant, the world just drops out from under you. there's a feeling in your stomach like a kind of weightlessness. and once you hit bottom you say "wow that was crazy." but was it really? I mean you knew what happened on the ride before you got in line. you knew what was gonna happen when you were on your way up, even right before the fall you knew it was coming. so why, tell me why does it always seem like such a Fucking surprise? is it possible to fall for someone you never see? is it possible to be too loving, too sweet, too kind. is it possible the woman he thought you were isn' who you actually are? I never thought my best friend would ever think of new like that. as less than satisfactory. I thought he like me since we were kids. is it possible I got so hyped up in his mind that I was rather disappointing once he had me? I don't know what I did, I'm not sure if I'd do anything differently. all I know is the person I talk to about these things isn't there anymore. the person who always had my back I feel just stabbed it. the person who thought I was wonderful, doesn't think so much anymore. I feel like a huge disappointment. like "yea I rode that ride and it wasn't as fun as it looked." maybe it wasn't meant to be. but tell me. who do you trust when you can't trust your friend. who do you love if not your best friend. who will be by your side of not your twin.

bring him to me, please.

ive been laying in bed all day today.  just been catching up on shows. the Stanford- UCLA game is on right now, thinking about streaming that.  then i thought about u. i thought about stanford boy. i thought about myself. im in a weird place. an empty place. im not happy but not sad. not in love but not out of either.  i dont really know what to do with myself anymore.  its been over a month since the break up and yet it feels like ages ago.  i have to make a conscious effort to remember a time when i saw you everyday.  when i try to remember a time when i was happy to see you everyday it feels like a lifetime ago.  ive started referring to you as my ex instead of by name.  strange.  the heart does strange things.  there was a time when i thought i couldnt live without you and here i am doing just that. moving on with my life. it helps that i am currently swamped with bills and therefore am heavily distracted. but ive also been talking to someone else.  its like i can go 6 months without having sex but my heart just cannot be alone.  i cling to people, my friends, my family.  im a people person. the thought of being alone with no one to talk to just terrifies me.  like id have to be put in a nuthouse if i just didnt see humans for more than a week.  and yet i feel bad talking to this other person.  i mean is it ok to like someone even though you just ended something with someone else but a few weeks ago?  has it really been that long?  this whole last month was such a blur and now after thanksgiving i dont even know where my head is at anymore.  my apartment is a mess. i find that my living space usually reflects the chaos of my life.  i feel like a mess therefore i live like a mess. all my clothes are clean but they are not in the closet where they should be.  all the dishes are in the washer but it hasnt been run.  my life has everything i would need, could need to make it perfect but i just cant seem to put them in their rightful place.  i dont know. i dont know what to do.  im just going through the motions everyday with no reason, no purpose.  i have no reason to be upset and yet i am.  i have every reason to be happy and yet im not. 

i think my life needs direction.  i just need someone to reach in and say "grab my hand, you're lost, we'll get you out of this."  any takers? any volunteers? am i doomed to circle this scattered space until one day it drives me mad. or i wake up and im 35 still living in the same place i am now doing the same job with the same people?  lord help me. bring me what i need. u know, bring him to me please.

starbucks

I went to starbucks yesterday.  i freakin cried at starbucks.  almost ordered a caramel macchiato til i realized it made me think of u and decided to go with a salty caramel mocha instead.  i wonder how many times i will have to go to starbucks to stop thinking about us frequenting the starbucks by your old place.  those were sweeter times i suppose.  i talked to my twin today.  made me feel better. thought maybe id go to bed without crying this time.  looks like i was wrong.  i took a melatonin, so maybe that'll kick in soon.  checked your fbook. saw that 5 years ago someone else you fucked used to call u the same thing i call u. somehow the tears stopped and i felt instantly less special.  i guess one day ill wake up and no longer feel the pang of emptiness in my life that you've left behind.  cant wait for that day to come cause mourning and healing blows.  i can still smell your cologne on my sheets.  i think thats what made me cry. to know ill never get to rest my head on your shoulder again. maybe i should wash the sheets.  im going to your place tomorrow to pick up my stuff. you wont be there. its probably better. itll finally be clean, just like i always wanted. too bad ill never get to enjoy it.  i realized most of the fond memories i have of us were at your old apartment.  that means before July...it's almost November.  I realized that all those feelings were real, still are for me, guess thats what makes this so tough.  i dont know if ill find another connection like the one i had with you. maybe i wont. maybe what i feel for u is unique, special.  maybe ill be lucky enough to form another unique and special connection with someone who will actually love me through thick and thin and never give up on me or us.  maybe one day ill wake up and realize you were right about us, just like you were right about us not moving in together.  all i know is right now i can't even buy starbucks. i miss you, i hate you, im slowly getting over you even though i dont want to.  i know i deserve better but really all i want is for u to treat me better.  prbly wont happen.  no it wont happen.  im sorry we want the same thing but just cant seem to get it. i love u.