to love and not be loved

i asked my boyfriend if he loves me. he said it was complicated. i asked him if he loves me. he said no. id say its amazing how u think u know someone but then they do something incredulous. its not amazing. in fact i would even venture to say its quite the opposite of amazing.  its god damn terrible.  i just spent the last 3 months falling head over heels in love with a guy only to find i have actually landed flat on my face. every touch, every smile, every word just sent shivers down my spine.  beginning to feel again, beginning to breathe again, beginning to believe again.  believe in the idea that maybe true love really exists, that maybe there is someone out there that i can have a connection with on a much deeper than physical level.  i was beginning to think that maybe i can love a man rather than tolerate him.  but thats just it. he tolerates me. no, wait..he says he looks for in a girlfriend a girl he can tolerate for long periods of time who isnt a total psycho.  fabulous, so im not a serial killer and im interesting enough to not be discarded.  in fact it was proclaimed that at the time we started dating he was actively searching for a girlfriend because he was lonely and wanted one.  great so im like a dog. i keep him company, i dont really bother him too much when im around, and we play sometimes.  you know i will go ahead and say it, this man gave me my very first O moment. no joke. in fact i would have to say the best sex of my life was after one of our talks.  i cant remember what we talked about exactly (i think it was how i thought i was more invested in the relationship than him and he told me how much he cared about me and how he wanted things to work).  me being young and addicted to disney fell for it right then and there.  i was a goner.  got swept up in the sweet words and the beautiful intertwining of two people in love.  or one person in love and the other person in tolerance.  i felt it.  i felt such a connection on a totally unfathomable level and expressed that through my body.  apparently he felt it too since he claimed it was the best sex he's ever had..or actually the best we've ever had. (its possible he's had better...whatever she's probably a slut).  And now, now when he smiles, when he touches me, when "make love" it isnt fucking love at all.  i feel nothing but sadness knowing that his kisses still give me goosebumps and my kisses give him...kisses. to love and not be loved.  worst feeling ever.  i dont want to be in love.  what have we been doing the last 3 months.  the trip up the coast. disneyland. wicked. countless late nights and random adventures.  talks of visiting ohio and talks of the future.  what future.  its been 3 fucking months and the guy "really cares about me."  i dont want a man who really cares about me..i have enough friends.  i want to be in love with someone who is also in love with me.  i cry.  everyday i fucking cry. i cry at work. i cry in the car. i cry in the shower.  ill just randomly well up for no reason at all other than i feel so heavy and yet empty inside.  like a bright burning fire has just been extinguished and all thats left is the smoke.  im such a bitch now.  even the littlest thing will set me off. how will he love me if im a bitch?  and yet how do i not be a bitch to my lover who doesnt love me?  another one of life's conundrums.  last year the fortune teller said id be married at 26.  i think he should change that to single for life.  i dont want to be with someone i can stand.  i want to be with someone whose love for me is the stuff of legend as i will love him too.  whatever. im over it.  no wonder my relationships dont last longer than 3 months. this is why im better at dating. no emotions, no relationship, no commitment, no pain.  i asked my boyfriend if he loves me. he said its complicated.  i asked my boyfriend if he loves me. he said no.

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles

ive started crying again. sitting in my car and crying. sometimes i wish i could get away from my own life. take up spear fishing and live in a hut in bora bora. my mom claims ive been under this much pressure before. i think i mustve been superwoman. i called my coworker out today saying that im tired of picking up his slack and doing everyones job. he told my other coworker he wanted to report it to my boss. what a doucher. i feel like my limbs have been tied to 4 horses pulling in opposing directions and im one bee sting away from being in pieces. i guess im just bitching and should woman up. im sure the insomnia will kick in soon. ive cried everyday this week. a couple times at work today i started to tear up and had to consciously focus on my breath to not start balling. i just want someone to wrap their arms around me and say "its ok, we'll get through this. ur amazing and awesome and u can do everything." too much to ask? thought so. ive been told i give the best pep talks. sucks that i also have to give myself one. and people ask why i feel like i hafta do everything. ill tell u why, its because when u say 'if i dont do i im sure someone else will." im the one fixing it.

my mirror

u know we see the world as past mistakes.  each one like a little spot or blemish or stain on our otherwise pristine record. just spent a couple hours today cleaning an apartment. every spot lifted, every fingerprint wiped away, ever dirty dish disappeared.  its almost as if i wasnt even there.  how easy it is to spray some windex on a surface and paper towel away all the mistakes, all the flaws.  there are many things i wish to clean off my record but i cant.  our lives only move in one direction..towards the end.  sure things can mend, heal, or even seem to dissolve all together but a single trigger can bring back floods of emotions and memories once thought long lost.

the other day i picked up a little lion figurine.  it was from my ex.  i found it while searching for contact lenses (which i did not find by the way..bugger).  i looked at this little lion and i felt absolutely nothing.  no anger, no remorse, no regret.  no love, no "what if", no nothing.  it was kind of disappointing.  i thought i would at least be angry seeing as every time i speak his name it still leaves a terrible taste in my mouth.  but no, and so, very anticlimactically, i threw it away.  just like that, just fucking threw it away.  u know my boyfriend keeps things from his past relationships or flings or what not.  i know lots of people that do.  in fact i think i still have the note my very first boyfriend wrote to ask me out on a date when i was 16.  still have the note and cd a good friend of me gave me telling me he loved me when we graduated high school.  i still have random cds from people i used to like or used to like me and everytime the song shows up on my playlist i smile.  never say anything or tell anyone im with that "this is the song that so and so gave me".  i simply smile.  brings me back to a younger time, a more innocent time, a time for love and romance and burned cds and dedicating songs.

like spots on a mirror we cant windex away.  memories, mistakes, opportunities lost, taken.  part of me really would like to just delete it all. start fresh, start new.  but every blunder, every turn, every action and choice ive made has made me who i am today.  so when i look in the mirror i dont see just a reflection of what i look like in that moment, but i see all the spots and scratches and blemishes ive made reflecting back at me.  and i smile.  one day i may throw away all those things and delete all those songs and wipe my mirror clean.  maybe one day ill stop crying about things my mother has told me or things my father didnt do.  maybe one day ill forgive those who have hurt me because ill recognize that they didnt know any better. maybe one day i can start with a clean slate.  maybe thats what love is.  someone coming up to u and saying "here let me clean that for u" and windexes the shit of ur mirror.  maybe he'll say "there, now thats the girl i want to remember because from here forward we will be adding our mistakes and water marks to the mirror.  but it will be our mirror, so we'll share the same spots."

maybe ill never be able to let it go and ill forever be cautious and careful.  what a horrible life that would be. to not ever be able to fully trust someone "just in case" they fuck u over in the end.  but hey, im only human.  if i trust someone with my life why not also my livelihood?  *sigh* i dunno im kind of going through a funk today.  i start work at the new hospitals tomorrow.  we'll see how that goes. i was just thinking where i might on my next birthday..i have a feeling itll be a LONG ASS way from today.

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles

the world is supposed to end this year right?

Welcome to 2012! Somehow i find myself still alive and celebrating another new year.  honestly im not sure how i do it.  one day at a time? one month at a time? one breath at a time?  i feel over the last few months i have grown as a person, as a woman. finding that delicate balance between work, play, girls, man.  not gonna lie sometimes i like to go back and read earlier blog posts.  i dont know whether im admiring my writing or if i just like to see the pain i went through.  kinda like itching a scar.  u know its healed but sometimes it still irritates u.  i guess all it takes to turn ur life around is a big smile and a carelessness that allows u to throw urself into the world with abandon and naivity.  everything that makes me happy right now i have come by on a total whim.  asking for a job without expecting there to even be one available, kicking my roommate/best friend out and finding a new one within 5 hours, going on a date and waiting 45 minutes simply because i wanted to see the damn Tim Burton exhibit (kindest regards go to my fascination of dark claymation movies).  hell even my mom is talking to me right now!  *sigh* i guess my writing is not nearly as good when im happy. its all light and fluffy and giggly and much less dark and ominous and beautiful. 

i just finished watching a movie about love.  not mushy love between two lovers but the love that forms a connection between friends, sisters, struggle, survival, death.  in ancient china women married for reasons beyond their control.  to men who didnt care about them, their feelings, their well being.  forced since childhood to the restrictions and limits set to them by society, these women seeked refuge within each other against a common enemy..the world.  and in many ways i think we all pine for that partner in crime who we know against all odds will always be on our side.  but its not all rainbows and sunshine.  the film captured the sadness and hopelessness of love.  the loyalty, the betrayal, the sacrifice.  i may have found someone who im almost certainly falling for (as us scorpios do) whom i may or may not love.  difficult to say really, the true test of love is in the pitfalls.  when the going gets tough, the loveless run away.  i would say that i can no longer handle another heartbreak.  that after stanford boy i thought i would never truly love again.  and the truth is, that there were only 2 other people ive ever said "i love u" to after him..surprisingly (or not) both situations were in utter tragedy.  But come to think of it I dont think I was actually in love.  I felt the pain and the suffering and the unquenchable thirst of wanting to be wanted and equated that to love. both boys did not truly love me back and actually both are total losers (not just by my own but by societal standards).  prbly why i was able to get over it so quickly.  conclusion: ladies if after dumping ur man u feel like a ginormously huge weight has been lifted off ur shoulders and u are now free to be happy...it was not love. u are as i was in love with the idea of being in love.  do not confuse this with actual emotion.  i feel like when i do love again (which im sensing will be soon..fml) it will creep up behind me and smack me in the back of head and BAM everything is sunshine and rainbows!  as i described once before many many years ago when i was a young impressionable teenager; being in love is like being in a permanent state of euphoria without the need for drugs and/or other supplements.  rarely will things bother u and when they do the love will be so great that it will be easy to let those things go.  im sure thats how the old people do it.  being pissed off about something their significant other did then remembering all the wonderful things they did followed by forgetting all the trivial matters that seem to cloud our daily judgement.

Goodnight cyberspace..i think im off to bed. im hoping the posts will be much happier from now on but ill throw in a sob story every now and then, just to keep my writing sharp ;)

PS: promise new year's resolutions reflection and proposition will be posted shortly

Live ur Life
Victoria Niles

I was 12

It's late at night, pitch black.  A storm is coming.  It smells like the clouds are about to cry.  A little girl is shivering, huddled underneath the ledge that keeps the garage door dry.  She's small enough to fit in the thin dry patch of concrete on the driveway right by the metal doors.  The walls of metal keeping the cars warm.  The storm grows, the rain falls, and lightening begins to strike.  She can hear the crack of thunder in the distance and see the flash of electricity on the ground, but she doesn't look up. The drops begin to slant as the wind lashes her face with tiny bullets of cold.  It smells like rain, like sadness, like loneliness. It smells like that taste of tears and snot and hatred.  The little girl is soaked, the ledge can no longer protect her.  She tries to break into the car parked on the driveway but can't remember the code.  She is scared, thinking she may die in this storm, in suburbia, in her own driveway.  Calmly she closes her eyes and pictures her father's hands as he unlocks the door for her, as he has done hundreds of times.  With a clap of thunder her eyes open and there is no one to open the door.  Reaching out she lets her fingers do the talking and hits five keys.  The doors unlock.  Climbing inside the back seat and closing the door behind her she locks the car. Wet, cold, unimaginably cold.  Not the kind of cold you can come back from, the kind that chills to the bone.  Cold that turns to night and freezes the soul.  As she curls up on the cloth seats she continues to sob.  She is alone.  Slowly, as the rain pounds on the roof of the car as if to crush her inside, the little girl drifts away into sleep.  A deep relieving slumber.  As the moments pass and she falls deeper she wonders if she'll ever wake up. If she even wants to wake up.  The comforting grasp of death welcomes her in away from the cold, out of the rain, into the eternal world of apathy.  Time passes, an indeterminate amount of time passes.  A knock on the window pulls her out of her dream.  She isn't dead, she is still forced to live this life.  Looking out the window she sees her dad.  It is late, much later than she has ever been up before.  It's like a completely different time, the twilight hours of the night.  He takes her inside the house and up to her room.  She changes into dry pjs and he tucks her into bed.  And like a prince in the night he disappears.   Blankets, so many blankets and yet still shivering.  She stares into the blackness of her eyes and dreams of the sweet release of death.  The sun shines, her mother opens the blinds, and the little girl wakes from the land of freedom to a 104 degree fever and an immediate need to vomit.  Her mother asks her if she knew what she had done wrong. She nods knowing that it will be the quickest way for her to avoid another tirade.  But honestly she doesn't remember why she was punished.  Just the cold and the wet and the loneliness and the charm of deep everlasting slumber.

Life ur Life,
Victoria Niles

2011 has been a horrid year

September twenty third of two thousand and eleven.  This year has officially blown.  I know that the best months have yet to happen (halloween, my birthday and christmas) but i have a distinct inkling that those are gonna suck too.  why...cause halloween this year will be worse than last year.  last year i was celebrating getting a new job, in vegas with a new bestie, and wearing the awesomest costumes ever.  this year i am 7 lbs heavier, bestie has a bf in san diego, and i am now mourning a job loss.  birthday this year, also probably gonna suck.  not getting along so great with 2 of my best friends, hopefully people will come to my bday party, well hopefully ill even have money to THROW a bday party since the bestie im supposed to have my party with hasnt even moved in yet.  Christmas...dont get me started on christmas...no family nearby, no presents (no money), probably wont even be able to afford a tree this year.

I officially ended my tumultuous 4 month escapade with he who was formally known as my boyfriend.  After 2 weeks of horrible (lets just be friends) drama I decided I had to move on.  It just wasnt sitting right with me being towed along and played like that, even though he said he didnt want to "mess me around" who even says that...how do u mess someone around. anyways after proclaiming my love one last time and him still rejecting me i said to hell with it and have since cut him off.  unfortunately i am now $3000 in the hole but hey, don't lend out money unless you don't expect to get it back right?  he says he'll get it back to me slowly but surely until he lands a gig.  1. yea right and 2. yea fucking right.  i am never seeing that money again and it has long been spent.  expensive mistake but now i know...i for sure do not like being a sugar momma.  in fact i find it rather repulsive and disgusting that a man that much older than me would ask me to pay for things, i mean seriously if i wanted a girlfriend i would be lesbian.  *sigh* anyways im losing my job.  Still in limbo, no idea if theyre laying me off or just reducing my hours to zero and keeping me on the payroll to make my life miserable.  Either way the cash river will be reduced to a trickle come Oct. 6 and officially stop flowing by Halloween.  This means I have one month to either land a Nuclear Medicine job in Los Angeles (which i have been trying to do for a year now) or im gonna start babysitting for a living. *double sigh*

Did i mention im sick? not the flu (thank God) just an annoying cough and feeling tired and shitty.  Also i had an allergic reaction to my peppermint chapstick...yea lips got all puffy and blistery and they hurt like HELL. but now im almost fully healed so thats good.  o and my contact has cut my eye again...wow im just in really horrendous physical condition.  so there's that

the one good thing happening in my life right now is i met a boy. he's smart and funny and easy to get along with and isnt a total psychomaniac.  and he aint too bad to look at if i say so myself.  although honestly, i dont know if im ready to get back into the dating game so to speak.  for a while now ive been wanting a relationship but after everything thats happened over this last year i think im ok with just NOT.  like something fun and casual and drama free.  though i totally fucked up last nite and ended up paying for our meal cause ex bf had me pay for everything and so by a horrible force of habit i reached for my wallet and threw my card on the table only to have it be super awkward so i was like "ill get it" and then it was more awkward....o well i used to be so good at dating...now i just suck. *sigh*

ok new concentration is finding a job.   somehow the cash money has to keep coming in so goal for month of october (once i stop traveling everywhere) is to set up as many tutoring/babysitting gigs as possible while still looking for nuc med jobs...also i dont want to work mobile anymore. stupid idea, stupid work environment, just stupid. so to all u peeps out there who actually read my blog (which is no one) please wish me luck, ill need every little bit of it i can get.

Live ur Life, (even if it sucks)
Victoria Niles

And I believed you.

I still recall the first time I met you.  You told me I was the most beautiful thing you had seen in a really long time.  And I believed you.  I remember our first 7 hour long phone conversation when you told me I was like a princess because of my generosity and kindness.  And I believed you.  I remember the first time you made me cry because you said I was wasting your time.  The first time you yelled at me and called me a slut.  The first time you told me you were fucking other girls cause I wasn't "that" hot. And I believed you.  I remember when you whispered in my ear that night that you wanted me to be your girlfriend and that you wanted to treat me like the princess I am.  That you would take care of me and I would never have to work again.  And I believed you.  When you told me "you just wait til you move down to LA, you'll see." Said everything would be better, that we would be better. And I believed you.  When you stopped picking up my phone calls because now that you could see me in person, you're like a spoiled child and didn't want to talk over the phone but wanted to physically see me.  When you said we were moving too fast and should take things slow. When you finally called me your girlfriend and I asked if you were sure and you said yes.  And I believed you.  When you told me you were being an ass because you just wanted some TLC and to spend time with me and not because you wanted some bitch to make you a sandwich. Every time you've said "I miss you" and if I would be more romantic then you would be too.  And I believed you.  The first time you said "I love you," the first time you took it back, the second time you said "I love you" and when you said I really meant something to you.  And I believed you.  That night you called me crying saying how important I was, how special, that you loved me so much and how you didn't want to fuck it up.  How you know what's best for us and to trust you, that after you got your life together you would give me all the time and attention I deserve and that you really want things to work out between us.  And I believed you.  Even when you told me I was weird, and creepy, and crazy.  You said you truly cared for me and that you're here for me no matter what.  After you've blown me off at least half a dozen times.  After you've kicked me out of your house (less than 24 hours before me moving to LA and not having anywhere to stay).  After countless nights of you so disgusted with my presence you refused to kiss me, hug me, or even touch me.  After all the times I've paid for EVERYTHING and you have still yet to take me on a first date (though you promised).  I still fucking believed you.  You told me the other day that you haven't hooked up with any girls since we've been "not together".  And I believed you.  You told me yesterday that you're happy I'm going to SD and that it'll be good for me and that you hope I have fun.  And I believed you.  When you said you loved me like a sister. And I believed you.

When you said of course there's a chance we'll get back together.  That you love me the same way I love you.  That you're trying to make some money for "us."  That you said you would kick your roommate out and we could live together.  All those times you said how romantic you can be and how much fun we'll have and to just wait and I'll see.  That you need "time" to think and that you "can't explain" why you're not into me, but you are, but you just can't have a girlfriend right now. And every single time you say "I love you."  I don't believe you anymore.  Because you said things would be better once I moved to LA.  You said that things would be better if we take it slow.  You said you would show me your generosity and love if I showed you mine. You said things would be better if I just gave you some time to get your life together.  And what, hope that if/when you do that you'll still want me?  And that if you want me you'll all of a sudden start treating me with the kind of love and respect I deserve and haven't been getting?  Can I even hope that you won't hate me enough to still give me my money back?  You say to trust you and wait and I'll see that you're right.  That I'll be proud to have believed in you, that I'll be glad to have invested money in you, that it'll all work out and we'll be great. And I don't believe you.

I still remember standing in the shower in my neon pink paisley bikini, crying because you were leaving.  And you looked at me and said "a year from now we could be in Aruba and this will all seem so silly and we won't even remember why we were fighting."  Well, it's been 4 months since we've met.  And for the first time I can honestly say.  I don't believe you.

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles