break ups

i didn't cry as much this time as i normally do.  i dont know if thats a good thing or a bad thing.  i dont know if maybe i saw it coming or maybe im so depressed with everything else that's happening in my life that this is just one more turd to the shit pile.  i dont know if maybe im just getting better at being dumped.  i have a routine.  i call off sick the next day and watch nothing but romantic comedies as i eat butter pecan ice cream and order in chinese take out.  usually involves drinking a couple bottles of wine my best red-headed friend and talking about how stupid my ex is and how he'll be so sorry he left me.  is that sad?  that ive been dumped so many times that it has become routine.  am i destined to fail at every relationship ill ever have just like my mother?  she is so insufferable her own children hate her.  the true definition of dying alone.  no friends, no family, no lovers, just empty never ending infinite darkness and nothingess.  she even told me to not be surprised if my best friend betrayed me in the future.  that i should expect and plan for it to happen.  i mean is that my fate?  to be so cynical that mistrust and disloyalty become not only routine but expected?

ill hand it to this last one though, at least he didn't dump me between thanksgiving and my birthday again.  worst time of the year for me, too many bad break ups.  i want to cry.  i want to eat ice cream.  but i cant.  mom's still here and so are the painters and the delivery people and the installers and contractors.  there's still work to do and things to finish and none of that will get done while im crying.  u know whats worse?  is that it is so obvious that i am crying and my mom just gives no shits. not even a rhetorical "are you ok?"  just the "i called you but you didnt pick up there are decisions you need to make about the door why haven't you made them oh my god you are so dramatic im so glad im leaving tomorrow"  me too mom, in fact i wish you'd leave today but then i have no one to be home for the range installer. almost makes me want to live without a stove. i would have my boyfriend to help but i dont have that anymore.

i did see this coming, we have been fighting a lot, and just recently agreed to take some space which i have now learned = death of relationship. he says ive changed.  he says his friends say ive changed.  what do they know about me.  did they even try to get to know me.  of course ive changed.  i just undertook the biggest project of my life outside of college.  its a miracle no one died. but yes, lets see if they stay the same when they get challenged with something.  who knows, maybe i would revert back to my normal self after this is all over. i guess they'll never find out because they never gave me a chance. i want to do laundry i want to go to the grocery store i want to get back to my normal life.  but i cant.

is it bad to drink wine and cough syrup? cause im also sick and i pulled an intercostal muscle so dealing with that sharp agonizing pain.  do i move on?  do i move forward? do i tell myself that im going to work on myself and finish up my projects and then go on vacation and be alone for a while?  he's leaving the country you know.  why do all my ex's leave countries?  for an indefinite amount of time too.  like they date me, realize how immature they are, then leave the country to find themselves...none have returned so far.  all having too much fun being all over the world fucking all random girls and drinking all night. he's taking a sabatical.  i want one.  but my job has a policy about unpaid vacation time. we don't get any.  so i have to finish all my projects, (remodel, timeshare rental) then save up enough money and vacation time to leave again. he says he still loves me.  but he cant keep stringing me along while he figures his shit out.  makes sense, i have learned in the 28 years being here that love is not what makes the relationship last.  (to be frank, im not sure what does)  3 times ive been dumped in this apartment. now that the remodel is finished, being dumped will be one of my first memories.  this remodel has cost me my sanity, my money, my time, and my relationship.  but hey, at least i have my home to keep me warm at night.

He Can't Hear Me

I'm in love with a man who can't hear me.  Maybe it's on purpose, maybe it's through no fault of his own.  Whatever the reason, he can't hear me.  Can't hear me when I'm happy or sad or crying or mad.  He can't hear my life shattering into a billion pieces.  He can't hear the sound of me gasping for air and splashing about as I slowly drown in my own ambitions.  He can't hear me when I'm calling for help, when I need a hug, when I need a friend.  He can't hear me.

I suppose I shouldn't complain.  There are millions, no billions, of people in this world who have it way worse than me.  No running water, no clean food, genocide, oppression, slavery. I should feel #blessed to be in America, the land of the over indulged and entitled  millennials.  I should be thankful that I have a boyfriend who loves me at all, regardless of how inappropriate he is with other women.  I should be grateful that I even have a roof over my head...had a roof over my head.  I should be hopeful that even in my darkest hour I still had food to put on my plate most days and I never got anything worse than shingles and a couple tumors.  I guess it's the idea of I should be happy that my life isn't as bad as some people's.  The truth is, I think all those things are bad.  Yes, some of them are worse than others.  But should we really be happy with our lives just because it's not as shitty as it possibly could be?  Should someone be happy to have a mother that beats them because at least they're not orphaned and living on the street?

I have been homeless now for 9 weeks.  Tomorrow starts week 10.  I have in fact been crashing in my boyfriend's room for over 2 months, with everyday the space getting smaller and smaller and smaller.  I can feel the air being sucked out of my lungs and the light being drained from my soul.  There are many reasons for this.  Or should I say, theories.  1. we moved in together too soon.  2. we are both stressed out with unrelated issues.  3. we have communication problems.  4. we're from very different cultures.  5. he's just bad at relationships and so am i.  6. these are all fucking excuses and the real reason this relationship isn't working is because it isn't working.

Pause.  Am I really doing this right now.  Am I really letting the love of my life go.  Is he even the love of my life or was I so desperate to date someone who wasn't a total loser I picked the first winner I could find even though he may not even be in the same race as me.  Will this all hit me in a month that I really love the guy and that I just ruined my own life because of "irreparable differences."  The truth is I don't know what to do.  My mother always told me not to make big decisions when you're emotional.  Well I'm fucking emotional every god damned day of the week.  So how long do I keep putting off these major decisions?

I can't breathe, I can't think, I can't move.  Everyday I wake up and go through the motions and everyday I pray that nothing more horrible will happen the next day.  Inevitably I wake up the next day and more shit hits the fan so I don't know why I keep praying, it is obviously not working.  I am grateful I get to shit in a toilet, and that I no longer get beaten everyday.  I am grateful that if one day these heart palpitations actually cause harm there is accessible healthcare not too far away.  I am grateful that I have a man that can't hear me, because at least I have one at all....right?

I need to sit down

Hello Interwebs, it has been a while hasn't it.  I just read over some of my old blog posts and I realized that most of them are about boys and sadness.  I guess I use this place as an outlet to get my feelings off my chest when I feel like no one is listening.  Today isn't necessarily about a boy though, it's about many things.  I kind of feel like I'm losing my self worth and identity.  This year I decided to remodel my condo.  I have been wanting to do this for some time and I have finally pulled the trigger.  I started pinteresting like crazy in January, started interviewing contractors in March, broke ground in June, and here we are in August. It's been a long arduous journey and somewhere along the way I lost it.  I lost what make me, me.  I used to see myself as strong, independent, talented, creative, loving, generous, ambitious, beautiful.  Things that used to define me like my awesome roof that I put over my own head, my stellar work performance, my smoothness with the boys, all of it just gone.  I feel right now like I'm operating at about 50%.  So I wouldn't say that's clinical depression level but I'm definitely not optimal. I was dieting last year but quickly gave up on that as the remodel took over every nook and cranny of my brain.  I'm sad to report I'm a soft 135 lbs, which is sad considering my boyfriends is 150lbs.  Realistically when I'm actually working out and in shape and eating right I sit around 120 to 125lbs.  I'm now a size 6, so that's a bust.  Goodbye are the days of the 2's and 4's and 0's are just a dream.  I got in trouble today at work for being late.  I actually was on time but had to stand in the hallway on the phone because my contractor just told me that he won't have my custom door built by next Friday when he has to leave for another job.  So we're gonna put in some other door which is not what I want and then he'll fix me a door when he gets back in 2 months.  I've had nothing but issues for the last few weeks.  Everyday it's the sink, the floor, the HOA, the turtles, the boyfriend, the job, the everything.  For fuck's sake the only thing that's held together these last few months has been my car, Gavin *knocks on wood*.  Honestly, I don't know what to do.  When people ask me what's wrong, my response is just "everything."  Then they ask what they can do to help, and I say "nothing really, I can't even help it myself." 

Sometimes you just get problems in life that you can do nothing about.  You tackle each one day by day and as the problems grow and the trouble arises and all your plans fall to ashes you start to lose belief in yourself.  You start to lose that sparkle, your edge, that drive to achieve this amazing goal you have set for yourself.  It is at these points that people turn to friends or family for support and encouragement.  We all know my mother is not one for this.  She could give negative fucks about encouragement.  She is about making sure you know every single mistake you made ever in your entire life and why you are such a loser for making said mistakes because nobody makes mistakes, just you.  So I haven't really been talking to her much for lack of will to be yelled at.  My best friends right now are buys with their own shit.  One just went through a serious break up and the other just went through a serious career altering epic plunge and is desperately trying to get her life back together.  I don't want to burden them with my problems because they have enough shit to deal with.  My boyfriend is trying to be supportive, I think, but he's not super good at it.  He also is hypercritical and enjoys pointing out my flaws.  Like fuck, I get it, I fucked up, can we not dwell on that at the moment? Like fucking let me fix this and when it is fixed then we think about what happened and how we can do it better next time.  So I do feel utterly alone and helpless most days.  I have to remind myself that I am strong and that I can accomplish anything I put my mind to, but realistically these are just words.  "Fake it til you make it." 

I'm running out of steam and stamina.  8 months now I've been thinking of this remodel.  8 months of should I go with the bay waves grey or the Saturday mist grey.  8 months of if I move this wall here and put this over there will I burst a pipeline or a drain.  8 months of why is my turtle tank always dirty no matter what I do.  8 months of can I really afford a $3600 AC system and does it matter if it's affordable if it is necessary.  8 months of living at Lowe's and Home Depot.  8 months of kitchen design and bathroom design and what fucking tiles do I want as a backsplash.  8 months of how high should the wainscoting be and what about the decorative ribbon and the bullnose and the edging and the countertop and the drawer handles and the vanity that won't fit and the tub without the curved door.  8 months of how is this fucking closet going to work and why aren't these the doors I ordered.  I'm tired, so tired, and I feel like no one understands.  People get tired with a couple decisions.  I deal with decisions all day at work, life dependent decision.  Then I go to Lowe's and deal with more decisions.  Then I come home and have to come up with dinner and plans and even more fucking decisions.  My brain cannot make anymore decisions.  I am done.  I am sorry love of my life, but I am done.  My work decisions are important to keep my job.  My remodel decisions are important to make sure my home is livable again.  I can't make any more decisions about our relationship.  I feel bad, but it needs to be done.  I need you to take the driver's seat.  I need you to be captain of the team because your co-captain is motherfucking out on sick leave.  I am no longer fit for duty.  I know you're dealing with a lot at work and your property and you have just as many decisions to make.  I hope for the both of us that you are stronger than me and bigger than me because I can't be at the helm anymore.  I need to go sit down.
 

I weighed myself this morning for the first time in years.  I knew I gained a little weight because my clothes were much tighter than I remember them being.  Not to the point where I have to buy a new wardrobe but definitely at the point where my clothes do not look like they did when I bought them.  141.6lbs.  WHAT.  I remember the last time I weighed this much was in 2010.  July of 2010 I graduated Nuclear Medicine School and must've gained 20-30lbs during the program.  I was so sick of how everything didn't fit that I went on a crazy diet, started running, and focused..focused on dropping those stupid stubborn pounds of me being a stressed out lazy ass.  I am currently a stressed out (not lazy) but extremely busy ass.  So I'm thinking I literally don't have time at the moment to work out.  And people say you can find 30 minutes everyday and I literally can't...I barely have time to sleep.  SOOO I took a look at my current diet.

Breakfast: Latte, eggs, bacon (or maybe a donut)
Lunch: Pasta, rice, something inevitably carby, soda
After work snack: spaghetteo's, bao, sometimes vegetables
Dinner: Pasta, ramen, dumplings, juice
(sometimes) Second Dinner: More pasta, rice balls, dessert

I have ice cream at least once a week, I constantly eat within 3 hours of my bed time.  And i don't drink water cause that stuff is disgusting.

So obviously my diet is atrocious.  Gotta change stuff.  So every week I'm going to change something about my diet to improve my quality of eating. 

Week 1: DON'T DRINK YOUR CALORIES...this means switch coffee to green tea/yerba mate and no more soda...not one drop of the fizzy goodness

i love you boy, but i can't do this anymore

you know, they say that men and woman can't be friends.  thats theres always someone with an ulterior motive. my mom always says youre single until youre not and i always say an ex is an ex for a reason.  and yet with all this wonderful advice flowing my way i cant help but ignore all of it.  because the heart wants what the heart wants and what the heart wants most is to be loved.  love, its a sickness i tell u, a systemic disease that infects every part of your soul.  theres no cure, theres no antidote, for fucks sake theres not even a treatment to help cure the symptoms.  love is like a cold, u just have to wait it out til it goes away and until then ur fucking miserable.  like, in bed, down in the dumps, stuffy nose, achy throat, no appetite, no will to get up out of bed, just nothing.  u are down for the count and nobody wants to get near you for fear they may catch whatever horrible tempest of depression is welling up inside of u.  we broke up 2 months ago...almost to the day actually.  its been hard, really hard, much harder than i thought it would be and i am much weaker than i thought i was.  today i broke..just straight up snapped like a twig in two like popping the head off a barbie doll.  u see he invited me to his birthday party at disneyland (a birthday that btw when we were together he insisted on wanting to spend completely alone *cough cough* aka not with me) and i was really excited cause this was going to be the first time im seeing his friends since the break up.  i was like, if only i could get them on my side then maybe he'll see how wonderful i am and we can get back together.  he emailed all of us about the itinerary and told us to figure out carpool arrangements.  i asked him if i could carpool with him and he said his car was full.  HIS CAR WAS FULL. are u kidding, he didnt even ask me if i needed a ride he just assumed id magic my way over there by myself.  i snapped.  i told him that i was not cool that he basically alienate me from the group.  you see these are all his friends, his best friends and they all know each other (and most live together)...which means i have no one to carpool with. which means im driving down alone, attempting to find them in the maze that is disneyland, basically being ignored the whole day, then driving home alone.  happiest place on earth my ass.  so i said no, im not going, im not going to play the desperate ex card of someone who just cant get over u so im going to tag along with ur group saying "please pay attention to me!"  nope, just not gonna do it, i want to because i do desperately want you back but i just cant, as a woman, keep my dignity and beg for your attention.  you did this when we were together and its a big reason why i became so angry. u alienate me from you friends and from your life.  u dont want to include me but u feel like u have to.  he said when we broke up that he doesnt want me to feel demoted....im demoted...i mean if we were really friends and i was the one friend who didnt know your other friends you would go out of your way to make sure that i wasnt all awkward and to make the transition comfortable.  but no...im not ur friend, im not the girl u like, im not anyone..im ur pitiful sad sorry ex that everyone wishes would just go away already.  me...ME...u know some people have told me that im the strongest person they know, that ive overcome every obstacle in my path and that i have my shit together.  the truth is i have had no other choice.  am i going to kill myself, no but at the same time i cant live in misery like this forever.  i cant go to bed every night dreaming of man that will never be mine, and i cant walk through everyday loving a man who is more concerned with video games and weed than me.  what happened, what happened to us i ask myself almost every 5 seconds.  there was a time not too long ago that you looked at me with total adoration.  like i was the best thing since sliced bread and you could not go through ur day without talking to me...and now...now u cant even look at me. and the worst part is...i have no idea what i did or said to deserve this kind of treatment.  what did i do wrong...god please tell me what i did wrong so if i am ever lucky enough to find another man who adores me that i will not make the same mistake again.  how could u u not know, how could u not notice, i was happy.  i was happy before i met you i was esctatic i thought that my life wouldnt get better and i was content.  and then i met you and the world became brighter and my heart lighter and i didnt even realize that i could shine that brightly.  u brought that out in me..the light.  and then just as fast as u came u left even swifter.  and although my world is still beautiful and my light still bright it will never be as bright as it was when i was with you.  how am i supposed to go back to what i thought was fulfilling life without u in it.  i dont know...i dont know but all i know is all this torturing of me trying to convince you that you love me is exhausting and frankly quite stupid.  maybe u never loved me at all, maybe those looks of adoration i totally made up in my mind, maybe i was so blinded by my love for u that i didnt see u not caring for me at all.  i dont know what to do.  God help me, somebody help me, anybody help me...

2013

There's a new year coming around the corner which of course causes me to pause and reflect upon 2013. what a crazy crazy year.  Many things happened this year that I would like to remember, many that i would like to forget.  Let's start at the beginning shall we?

January: I started dating again.  My last, last ex and I broke up in October and I spent a good majority of the rest of 2012 trying to piece my life together again.  I also booked my flight to Europe.  I decided that 2013 was the year for getting shit done. In January I signed up for OK cupid and started dating again.  Nothing big at first, just a few dates like coffee or a walk with a few guys.  This number slowly dwindled down to two, J and K.  They were complete opposites.  One was sweet and caring, thoughtful, innocent, naive. The other was a total player and womanizer and honestly I'm not entirely sure why I dated him but there you have it.  A good boy and a bad boy.

February:  Good Boy K took me out for valentine's day to this bar/restaurant in lil tokyo.  it was actually quite lovely. Bad Boy J asked me to be his girlfriend, I said no.  Said I wasn't ready for a relationship blah blah blah. I don't really remember anything significant happening in February other than the progression of life.  Also obsessively reading books and planning my Europe trip.  and by planning I mean trying to decided between which awesome place and which stupendous place i wanted to see.

March:  O V why, why must you do this to yourself. This was the month that I dumped good boy k.  not sure why i did it.  i met his friends for the first time and they were all wonderful ppl.  just really good people for a really good boy.  i honestly think its cause the sex was bad.  or maybe it was because he was too innocent and pure for someone as fucked up as me to ruin.  but i guess i already did that..brava v brava. This was also the month the bad boy j went to thailand.  we skyped while he was over there and i thought i really liked him.  mind u this was after he decided he wanted to dump me cause i didnt give him enough blow jobs and i told him to go fuck himself and then he called me back a few days later saying sorry and that he really liked me.  why do i always fall for that shit.  anyway made a mistake, dumped good boy and stuck with bad boy..classic.

April:  hahahha this is the month that my last last ex and i started talking again.  he basically came to me said he was sorry for how things ended and that i was right and that we should be friends.  i was cautious at first but turns out he is one of my good friends.  guess when u spend that much time with someone its hard not to know them.  this was also the month right before europe..so i spent almost every waking and sleeping moment thinking about my adventures.  i was restless, excited, i could barely keep my composure at work.  i was just soo soo incredibly happy to be leaving the country it seemed that all other problems atm were just so trivial.

May: I went to Europe!!! yes for the whole month of may  I went to europe.  started with my sister's graduation which was epic.  dude private school campus is like freaking gorgeous.  im so proud of her and all the things she's accomplished, cannot wait til she finished her master's program and starts saving the world.  Then I flew to Barcelona.  It was cold and wet and beautiful.  I landed, got on a bus, found my hostel, map in hand and set off on the biggest adventure of my lifetime.   there were times i got horribly lost, thought i was gonna die, didn't have anywhere to sleep, traveled back in time, had a whirl wind romance, touched history, witnessed kindness beyond anything i can explain, and felt kissed by the world.  It was the most amazing experience and though I will travel in the future I will most likely never get to experience again.  After all, nothing is like your first.

June:  I came home all full of zest from my recent journey and everything was wonderful.  I was literally living on a life high and I felt like NOTHING was gonna get me down!! I soon started to lose interest in bad boy j cause, well, he's a bad boy and esp after a couchsurfer moved in with him for 2 months.  long story short her and i became friends, went clubbing together, she crashed at my place, took care of my turtles.  then he decided to fuck her.  so i dumped him, dumped her, was like fuck this shit and went back on ok cupid.  i swear that site is addicting.

July: on of my childhood friends got married!!! it was part of the fourth of july weekend that i spent in norcal, wedding, bbq-ing, shenanigans. It was awesome seeing all those old friends again and reconnecting.  i was still riding high from my eurotrip and recent shedding of horrible bad boy and i rekindled a weird kinda flame with a friend from high school.  anyways, turns how he was moving to michigan and so we decided to talk and skype while he was in france and stuff and we started talking like...a lot.  July 27, 2013 was also the first time I met my most recent ex, D.  I wasn't expecting much honestly but turns out he surprised me, he was magnificent.  and now i had a tough choice to make.

August:  I realize now that most of my blog is made up of me and my boys. Let's get one thing straight.  I have lots of exciting things that happen on a day to day basis with my friends and my adventures.  But these are with people that aren't going anywhere.  The boys in my life are the only ephemeral part.  Everything else, the friends, the family, the parties they all stay the same so there's not much to blog about. I know what to expect from them and they know what to expect from me.  And i love them and I will always love them and i hope they don't show up in this blog because that means something significant has changed in our relationship.  anyway august i started dating D.  I went on a vegas trip with my high school friend that turned into a giant fiasco that I will not get into the details of here but basically he hates me now.  I did not know that at the time so I was happily fallin in love with D.  We went everywhere, disnelyand, magic castle, the body exhibit, we had date after date.  he told me the most wonderful things.  that i was amazing, that he was smitten, that i was the most interesting girl he's ever dated.  so many wonderful things.  i though wow...my life is finally turning around. random eurotrip, great job, great condo, finally healthy again...AND a wonderful guy...well paint me pink and call me silly cause i was HAPPY.

September:  September was a lot like august.  it was a little hard because D decided that instead of taking 3 classes he wanted to take 5 and start a full time job.  great for him, he needed it, he would be wonderful at it, i warned him that i was worried our relationship would suffer...and it did.  no more dates, no more wonderful days spent in the sun, just tired. always tired. and i tried, i really did try to be ok with it...but seeing him made me so happy...and i began to feel like he didnt want to see me, which made me start to panic.

October:  HALLOWEEN!!! the kick off to a seemingly wonderful holiday season!  for halloween D and I met up with my friends from Norcal for ghost ship, my first rave.  it was awesome. and cold...sf is cold...i went as leeloo and he went as korbin dallas.  we were such a hit at the party it was fantastic.  he said "something clicked while we were in norcal."  not sure what he meant but im pretty sure it clicked off.  anyway friends from norcal also came down to go to mickey's halloween party with me.  D couldn't make it cause he had class. that should've been my first clue.  he would never turn down disneyland for class....he just didnt want to hang with me all night.  fine whatever, i had a blast.  we went as tigger, pooh, and eeyore.  it was awesome, i did my face all up in make up and one of the kids asked for my autograph though i couldnt give it to her.  so innocent, so happy, not knowing.  oct 31 halloween night socal friends and D and I went to weho.  D and i had our biggest fight yet.  he went home.  i was alone...and the rest is an all too familiar story.

November:  my birthday and turkey day.  november is a weird month for me.  many many times i have had wonderful birthdays and many many times i have had horrible ones.  this year on my birthday i found out that D, my seemingly perfect boyfriend, is a pothead.  i found out because he was in the middle of sorting out a drug deal for pot during my birthday dinner.  and maybe its not as bad as it sounds but thats what it sounded like to me.  a few days later i went to vegas because i was so upset over the fact that he didnt invite me to his friends birthday party even though it was a totally casual party that anyone couldve gone to.  that shouldve been my second clue.  hello v, if he doesnt want u around his friends he doesnt want u...doi.  anyway went to vegas, came home, had a fight about weather...literally weather...wtf...next day he came over to talk..he dumped me.  in a mad desperate scramble i switched my turkey day plans to hanging with my girlfriends instead of spending it with D because..well because he dumped me.

December:  this month is almost over..most of it involved a lot of drinking a lot of crying and a lot of me trying to get out of the house so as to prevent all the crying.  I feel lost right now.  I had so much fervor at the beginning of the year and i had that eurotrip to sustain my thirst for adventure.  now...well i dunno now all i want is my old life back . there were many things he said to me that i dare not repeat but that id like to forget.  id like to think he said them in anger and that he didnt mean it but im sure he did.  it makes me question all the happy times we had..were they real?  or was he just really annoyed?  i dunno. im sick right now, trying to get better before the new year.  taking it easy today, then cleaning and prepping tomorrow for the big night.  D and I are still talking, we're friends according to him.  everyday i still cry, though not for as long anymore.  im not sure how long we can stay friends, or how long itll take for me to pull out of this rut.  im already planning a million trips in 2014 to norcal, new york, boston and another big one im hoping in september.  im trying to grab a couple new licenses, maybe go back to school, and getting a new job at a better facility. 

im hoping this next year will be exciting.  im hoping i will learn more about myself and more about the people around me.  i have a pretty firm sense in who is there for me and who isnt and i know who to put my trust int.  i am hoping that in 2014 i will finally find love that will last because heart break is just exhausting.  a fortune teller once told me that 2013 would be chaos.  drinking and chaos.  he was right...i can only hope 2014 will be just as exciting...but hopefully without the whole broken heart thing...yea

has it ever come back?

its 2 in the afternoon and i havent moved from my bed.  im supposed to decorate the condo today and make it all christmasy.  i can tell you know.  i can tell that people are tired of hearing about it.  much like nobody wants to hear how in love you are all the time nobody wants to hear how in pain you are either.  and they all come around and try to distract me and talk about other things and for a moment, just for a moment i forget that im actually heart broken.  i may even crack a smile or laugh out loud or relax.  then i come home and for one night this week i am able to fall asleep and have a lovely dream about buffets.  then i wake up in the morning and it all comes flooding back to me.  this is the reality of my life.  everything looks great on paper.  everything is perfect.  everything is good and happy and bright and i really have nothing to complain about so gosh darn it V stop complaining.  its hard to get up in the mornings.  ive been late to work almost every single day for the last few weeks.  never more than 15 minutes and no one is there in the morning anyways so its not like i get in trouble.  but i used to love springing up in the morning, going to work, getting my day going and coming home and falling asleep in 5 minutes or less.  its hard to get up, hard to fall asleep, hard to get going.  i dont cry as much anymore but im fairly certain its cause my body has run out of tears since the stabbing pain in my chest hasnt really dissipated.  i watch romantic comedies all the time and i cry.  its a romantic comedy its supposed to be sweet and funny there's no reason for crying.  my girl friends say to forget him, my guy friends say to just give him time, i have no idea what im doing.  the truth is im only settling for friendship because i am at a complete loss as to what i actually am supposed to do.  numb. the last time i turned my heart off i became a total bitch.  sure i got a lot of ass and a lot of free dinners but any satisfying relationships?  i did what i was supposed to do.  i forgot about him and played the field.  i would play while i was in college then settle down once i got out of school and grad school and get married and have kids.  and i got with a guy, a very nice perfectly good guy, and forced him to settle down.  and when he left i really didnt know what to do.  suddenly my plans for a life of bliss fell apart.  then came the losers one right after the other. men that i dated cause they were hot, they were nice, they were close to me, whatever stupid reason i had.  i tried to force another relationship with a guy who was not right for me til that also came crashing down.

thats when i met you.  that feeling of being high on life, of being elated all the time.  waking up with a smile, falling asleep with a smile, what did you call it, smitten?  and then just like before, it all just ended.  where do i go from here.  im not 18 anymore, i dont have college to rebound.  im 26. im supposed to pick up the pieces and tell myself that i deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me, blah blah blah.  ok then i will.  ill keep telling myself that you made the mistake of leaving and i will be better for it and all those things that are supposed to help you get over a break up because if ur ever just sad about being dumped you're seen as a pathetic loser.  i dont want to be a pathetic loser . i dont want to be some desperate ex girlfriend who cant get over the fact that she lost someone who made her life so complete.  thats weak.  im strong, im the strongest, everyone looks to me because i have all my shit together and frankly im exhausted.  sure i have a good job, i can buy anything i want, i live in a nice place, i travel, i see my family and friends i have everything.  and yet in my heart and soul i feel like that 18 year old girl again driving home in the middle of the night in the pouring rain listening to green day's american idiot.  wondering how and why this could've ended.  ill admit at least you didn't sleep with me then break up with me then propose that we can still hook up when im in town.  so i guess thats what 8 years of growing up got me.  in all my years of dating ive finally figured out how to not date a man that just wants to sleep with me.  right? hahaha, that's hilarious.  i know nothing.  where do i go from here, what do i do. move on i guess.  move on to what.  someone that is nice that i form a connection with and eventually grow to love.  someone who will probably be a good father to my children.  or do i wait another 10 years hoping and praying that i meet another man a THIRD man in my life that makes me happy to be alive?  what are the odds of that.  and then ill be close to 40.  its hard to stay positive when so many negative things happen.  career, finances and stuff like that, i can control.  ive got that all in order and i like where its going.  love?  love is a fickle beast.  one moment its laying with you the next it's ripping the heart from your chest.  the one thing in the world i cant control.  whats that saying, if you love something let it go and if it comes back it's truly yours?  so tell me...anyone...has it ever come back?