i love you boy, but i can't do this anymore

you know, they say that men and woman can't be friends.  thats theres always someone with an ulterior motive. my mom always says youre single until youre not and i always say an ex is an ex for a reason.  and yet with all this wonderful advice flowing my way i cant help but ignore all of it.  because the heart wants what the heart wants and what the heart wants most is to be loved.  love, its a sickness i tell u, a systemic disease that infects every part of your soul.  theres no cure, theres no antidote, for fucks sake theres not even a treatment to help cure the symptoms.  love is like a cold, u just have to wait it out til it goes away and until then ur fucking miserable.  like, in bed, down in the dumps, stuffy nose, achy throat, no appetite, no will to get up out of bed, just nothing.  u are down for the count and nobody wants to get near you for fear they may catch whatever horrible tempest of depression is welling up inside of u.  we broke up 2 months ago...almost to the day actually.  its been hard, really hard, much harder than i thought it would be and i am much weaker than i thought i was.  today i broke..just straight up snapped like a twig in two like popping the head off a barbie doll.  u see he invited me to his birthday party at disneyland (a birthday that btw when we were together he insisted on wanting to spend completely alone *cough cough* aka not with me) and i was really excited cause this was going to be the first time im seeing his friends since the break up.  i was like, if only i could get them on my side then maybe he'll see how wonderful i am and we can get back together.  he emailed all of us about the itinerary and told us to figure out carpool arrangements.  i asked him if i could carpool with him and he said his car was full.  HIS CAR WAS FULL. are u kidding, he didnt even ask me if i needed a ride he just assumed id magic my way over there by myself.  i snapped.  i told him that i was not cool that he basically alienate me from the group.  you see these are all his friends, his best friends and they all know each other (and most live together)...which means i have no one to carpool with. which means im driving down alone, attempting to find them in the maze that is disneyland, basically being ignored the whole day, then driving home alone.  happiest place on earth my ass.  so i said no, im not going, im not going to play the desperate ex card of someone who just cant get over u so im going to tag along with ur group saying "please pay attention to me!"  nope, just not gonna do it, i want to because i do desperately want you back but i just cant, as a woman, keep my dignity and beg for your attention.  you did this when we were together and its a big reason why i became so angry. u alienate me from you friends and from your life.  u dont want to include me but u feel like u have to.  he said when we broke up that he doesnt want me to feel demoted....im demoted...i mean if we were really friends and i was the one friend who didnt know your other friends you would go out of your way to make sure that i wasnt all awkward and to make the transition comfortable.  but no...im not ur friend, im not the girl u like, im not anyone..im ur pitiful sad sorry ex that everyone wishes would just go away already.  me...ME...u know some people have told me that im the strongest person they know, that ive overcome every obstacle in my path and that i have my shit together.  the truth is i have had no other choice.  am i going to kill myself, no but at the same time i cant live in misery like this forever.  i cant go to bed every night dreaming of man that will never be mine, and i cant walk through everyday loving a man who is more concerned with video games and weed than me.  what happened, what happened to us i ask myself almost every 5 seconds.  there was a time not too long ago that you looked at me with total adoration.  like i was the best thing since sliced bread and you could not go through ur day without talking to me...and now...now u cant even look at me. and the worst part is...i have no idea what i did or said to deserve this kind of treatment.  what did i do wrong...god please tell me what i did wrong so if i am ever lucky enough to find another man who adores me that i will not make the same mistake again.  how could u u not know, how could u not notice, i was happy.  i was happy before i met you i was esctatic i thought that my life wouldnt get better and i was content.  and then i met you and the world became brighter and my heart lighter and i didnt even realize that i could shine that brightly.  u brought that out in me..the light.  and then just as fast as u came u left even swifter.  and although my world is still beautiful and my light still bright it will never be as bright as it was when i was with you.  how am i supposed to go back to what i thought was fulfilling life without u in it.  i dont know...i dont know but all i know is all this torturing of me trying to convince you that you love me is exhausting and frankly quite stupid.  maybe u never loved me at all, maybe those looks of adoration i totally made up in my mind, maybe i was so blinded by my love for u that i didnt see u not caring for me at all.  i dont know what to do.  God help me, somebody help me, anybody help me...

2013

There's a new year coming around the corner which of course causes me to pause and reflect upon 2013. what a crazy crazy year.  Many things happened this year that I would like to remember, many that i would like to forget.  Let's start at the beginning shall we?

January: I started dating again.  My last, last ex and I broke up in October and I spent a good majority of the rest of 2012 trying to piece my life together again.  I also booked my flight to Europe.  I decided that 2013 was the year for getting shit done. In January I signed up for OK cupid and started dating again.  Nothing big at first, just a few dates like coffee or a walk with a few guys.  This number slowly dwindled down to two, J and K.  They were complete opposites.  One was sweet and caring, thoughtful, innocent, naive. The other was a total player and womanizer and honestly I'm not entirely sure why I dated him but there you have it.  A good boy and a bad boy.

February:  Good Boy K took me out for valentine's day to this bar/restaurant in lil tokyo.  it was actually quite lovely. Bad Boy J asked me to be his girlfriend, I said no.  Said I wasn't ready for a relationship blah blah blah. I don't really remember anything significant happening in February other than the progression of life.  Also obsessively reading books and planning my Europe trip.  and by planning I mean trying to decided between which awesome place and which stupendous place i wanted to see.

March:  O V why, why must you do this to yourself. This was the month that I dumped good boy k.  not sure why i did it.  i met his friends for the first time and they were all wonderful ppl.  just really good people for a really good boy.  i honestly think its cause the sex was bad.  or maybe it was because he was too innocent and pure for someone as fucked up as me to ruin.  but i guess i already did that..brava v brava. This was also the month the bad boy j went to thailand.  we skyped while he was over there and i thought i really liked him.  mind u this was after he decided he wanted to dump me cause i didnt give him enough blow jobs and i told him to go fuck himself and then he called me back a few days later saying sorry and that he really liked me.  why do i always fall for that shit.  anyway made a mistake, dumped good boy and stuck with bad boy..classic.

April:  hahahha this is the month that my last last ex and i started talking again.  he basically came to me said he was sorry for how things ended and that i was right and that we should be friends.  i was cautious at first but turns out he is one of my good friends.  guess when u spend that much time with someone its hard not to know them.  this was also the month right before europe..so i spent almost every waking and sleeping moment thinking about my adventures.  i was restless, excited, i could barely keep my composure at work.  i was just soo soo incredibly happy to be leaving the country it seemed that all other problems atm were just so trivial.

May: I went to Europe!!! yes for the whole month of may  I went to europe.  started with my sister's graduation which was epic.  dude private school campus is like freaking gorgeous.  im so proud of her and all the things she's accomplished, cannot wait til she finished her master's program and starts saving the world.  Then I flew to Barcelona.  It was cold and wet and beautiful.  I landed, got on a bus, found my hostel, map in hand and set off on the biggest adventure of my lifetime.   there were times i got horribly lost, thought i was gonna die, didn't have anywhere to sleep, traveled back in time, had a whirl wind romance, touched history, witnessed kindness beyond anything i can explain, and felt kissed by the world.  It was the most amazing experience and though I will travel in the future I will most likely never get to experience again.  After all, nothing is like your first.

June:  I came home all full of zest from my recent journey and everything was wonderful.  I was literally living on a life high and I felt like NOTHING was gonna get me down!! I soon started to lose interest in bad boy j cause, well, he's a bad boy and esp after a couchsurfer moved in with him for 2 months.  long story short her and i became friends, went clubbing together, she crashed at my place, took care of my turtles.  then he decided to fuck her.  so i dumped him, dumped her, was like fuck this shit and went back on ok cupid.  i swear that site is addicting.

July: on of my childhood friends got married!!! it was part of the fourth of july weekend that i spent in norcal, wedding, bbq-ing, shenanigans. It was awesome seeing all those old friends again and reconnecting.  i was still riding high from my eurotrip and recent shedding of horrible bad boy and i rekindled a weird kinda flame with a friend from high school.  anyways, turns how he was moving to michigan and so we decided to talk and skype while he was in france and stuff and we started talking like...a lot.  July 27, 2013 was also the first time I met my most recent ex, D.  I wasn't expecting much honestly but turns out he surprised me, he was magnificent.  and now i had a tough choice to make.

August:  I realize now that most of my blog is made up of me and my boys. Let's get one thing straight.  I have lots of exciting things that happen on a day to day basis with my friends and my adventures.  But these are with people that aren't going anywhere.  The boys in my life are the only ephemeral part.  Everything else, the friends, the family, the parties they all stay the same so there's not much to blog about. I know what to expect from them and they know what to expect from me.  And i love them and I will always love them and i hope they don't show up in this blog because that means something significant has changed in our relationship.  anyway august i started dating D.  I went on a vegas trip with my high school friend that turned into a giant fiasco that I will not get into the details of here but basically he hates me now.  I did not know that at the time so I was happily fallin in love with D.  We went everywhere, disnelyand, magic castle, the body exhibit, we had date after date.  he told me the most wonderful things.  that i was amazing, that he was smitten, that i was the most interesting girl he's ever dated.  so many wonderful things.  i though wow...my life is finally turning around. random eurotrip, great job, great condo, finally healthy again...AND a wonderful guy...well paint me pink and call me silly cause i was HAPPY.

September:  September was a lot like august.  it was a little hard because D decided that instead of taking 3 classes he wanted to take 5 and start a full time job.  great for him, he needed it, he would be wonderful at it, i warned him that i was worried our relationship would suffer...and it did.  no more dates, no more wonderful days spent in the sun, just tired. always tired. and i tried, i really did try to be ok with it...but seeing him made me so happy...and i began to feel like he didnt want to see me, which made me start to panic.

October:  HALLOWEEN!!! the kick off to a seemingly wonderful holiday season!  for halloween D and I met up with my friends from Norcal for ghost ship, my first rave.  it was awesome. and cold...sf is cold...i went as leeloo and he went as korbin dallas.  we were such a hit at the party it was fantastic.  he said "something clicked while we were in norcal."  not sure what he meant but im pretty sure it clicked off.  anyway friends from norcal also came down to go to mickey's halloween party with me.  D couldn't make it cause he had class. that should've been my first clue.  he would never turn down disneyland for class....he just didnt want to hang with me all night.  fine whatever, i had a blast.  we went as tigger, pooh, and eeyore.  it was awesome, i did my face all up in make up and one of the kids asked for my autograph though i couldnt give it to her.  so innocent, so happy, not knowing.  oct 31 halloween night socal friends and D and I went to weho.  D and i had our biggest fight yet.  he went home.  i was alone...and the rest is an all too familiar story.

November:  my birthday and turkey day.  november is a weird month for me.  many many times i have had wonderful birthdays and many many times i have had horrible ones.  this year on my birthday i found out that D, my seemingly perfect boyfriend, is a pothead.  i found out because he was in the middle of sorting out a drug deal for pot during my birthday dinner.  and maybe its not as bad as it sounds but thats what it sounded like to me.  a few days later i went to vegas because i was so upset over the fact that he didnt invite me to his friends birthday party even though it was a totally casual party that anyone couldve gone to.  that shouldve been my second clue.  hello v, if he doesnt want u around his friends he doesnt want u...doi.  anyway went to vegas, came home, had a fight about weather...literally weather...wtf...next day he came over to talk..he dumped me.  in a mad desperate scramble i switched my turkey day plans to hanging with my girlfriends instead of spending it with D because..well because he dumped me.

December:  this month is almost over..most of it involved a lot of drinking a lot of crying and a lot of me trying to get out of the house so as to prevent all the crying.  I feel lost right now.  I had so much fervor at the beginning of the year and i had that eurotrip to sustain my thirst for adventure.  now...well i dunno now all i want is my old life back . there were many things he said to me that i dare not repeat but that id like to forget.  id like to think he said them in anger and that he didnt mean it but im sure he did.  it makes me question all the happy times we had..were they real?  or was he just really annoyed?  i dunno. im sick right now, trying to get better before the new year.  taking it easy today, then cleaning and prepping tomorrow for the big night.  D and I are still talking, we're friends according to him.  everyday i still cry, though not for as long anymore.  im not sure how long we can stay friends, or how long itll take for me to pull out of this rut.  im already planning a million trips in 2014 to norcal, new york, boston and another big one im hoping in september.  im trying to grab a couple new licenses, maybe go back to school, and getting a new job at a better facility. 

im hoping this next year will be exciting.  im hoping i will learn more about myself and more about the people around me.  i have a pretty firm sense in who is there for me and who isnt and i know who to put my trust int.  i am hoping that in 2014 i will finally find love that will last because heart break is just exhausting.  a fortune teller once told me that 2013 would be chaos.  drinking and chaos.  he was right...i can only hope 2014 will be just as exciting...but hopefully without the whole broken heart thing...yea

has it ever come back?

its 2 in the afternoon and i havent moved from my bed.  im supposed to decorate the condo today and make it all christmasy.  i can tell you know.  i can tell that people are tired of hearing about it.  much like nobody wants to hear how in love you are all the time nobody wants to hear how in pain you are either.  and they all come around and try to distract me and talk about other things and for a moment, just for a moment i forget that im actually heart broken.  i may even crack a smile or laugh out loud or relax.  then i come home and for one night this week i am able to fall asleep and have a lovely dream about buffets.  then i wake up in the morning and it all comes flooding back to me.  this is the reality of my life.  everything looks great on paper.  everything is perfect.  everything is good and happy and bright and i really have nothing to complain about so gosh darn it V stop complaining.  its hard to get up in the mornings.  ive been late to work almost every single day for the last few weeks.  never more than 15 minutes and no one is there in the morning anyways so its not like i get in trouble.  but i used to love springing up in the morning, going to work, getting my day going and coming home and falling asleep in 5 minutes or less.  its hard to get up, hard to fall asleep, hard to get going.  i dont cry as much anymore but im fairly certain its cause my body has run out of tears since the stabbing pain in my chest hasnt really dissipated.  i watch romantic comedies all the time and i cry.  its a romantic comedy its supposed to be sweet and funny there's no reason for crying.  my girl friends say to forget him, my guy friends say to just give him time, i have no idea what im doing.  the truth is im only settling for friendship because i am at a complete loss as to what i actually am supposed to do.  numb. the last time i turned my heart off i became a total bitch.  sure i got a lot of ass and a lot of free dinners but any satisfying relationships?  i did what i was supposed to do.  i forgot about him and played the field.  i would play while i was in college then settle down once i got out of school and grad school and get married and have kids.  and i got with a guy, a very nice perfectly good guy, and forced him to settle down.  and when he left i really didnt know what to do.  suddenly my plans for a life of bliss fell apart.  then came the losers one right after the other. men that i dated cause they were hot, they were nice, they were close to me, whatever stupid reason i had.  i tried to force another relationship with a guy who was not right for me til that also came crashing down.

thats when i met you.  that feeling of being high on life, of being elated all the time.  waking up with a smile, falling asleep with a smile, what did you call it, smitten?  and then just like before, it all just ended.  where do i go from here.  im not 18 anymore, i dont have college to rebound.  im 26. im supposed to pick up the pieces and tell myself that i deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me, blah blah blah.  ok then i will.  ill keep telling myself that you made the mistake of leaving and i will be better for it and all those things that are supposed to help you get over a break up because if ur ever just sad about being dumped you're seen as a pathetic loser.  i dont want to be a pathetic loser . i dont want to be some desperate ex girlfriend who cant get over the fact that she lost someone who made her life so complete.  thats weak.  im strong, im the strongest, everyone looks to me because i have all my shit together and frankly im exhausted.  sure i have a good job, i can buy anything i want, i live in a nice place, i travel, i see my family and friends i have everything.  and yet in my heart and soul i feel like that 18 year old girl again driving home in the middle of the night in the pouring rain listening to green day's american idiot.  wondering how and why this could've ended.  ill admit at least you didn't sleep with me then break up with me then propose that we can still hook up when im in town.  so i guess thats what 8 years of growing up got me.  in all my years of dating ive finally figured out how to not date a man that just wants to sleep with me.  right? hahaha, that's hilarious.  i know nothing.  where do i go from here, what do i do. move on i guess.  move on to what.  someone that is nice that i form a connection with and eventually grow to love.  someone who will probably be a good father to my children.  or do i wait another 10 years hoping and praying that i meet another man a THIRD man in my life that makes me happy to be alive?  what are the odds of that.  and then ill be close to 40.  its hard to stay positive when so many negative things happen.  career, finances and stuff like that, i can control.  ive got that all in order and i like where its going.  love?  love is a fickle beast.  one moment its laying with you the next it's ripping the heart from your chest.  the one thing in the world i cant control.  whats that saying, if you love something let it go and if it comes back it's truly yours?  so tell me...anyone...has it ever come back?

your life looks so beautiful

I saw you today.  Well not in person, but i saw you online.  I knew i shouldn't have looked.  I knew it was going to hurt. I kept trying to resist the urge.  But the truth is, I looked.  I was weak.  I looked and I was right, it was awful.  There you are, smiling and snuggling up next to some girl.  I couldn't look away, I needed to know more.  And through tear filled eyes I dug deeper.  Why am I doing this, why am I torturing myself.  I reminded myself that you are this affectionate with everyone, even when we were together.  I reminded myself that you told me you still had feelings for me.  I reminded myself that what we have is special.  And then I remembered you saying that you developed crushes on a lot of girls that didn't develop into anything because you can actively put brakes on your emotions like that.  And then I remembered how special it felt to be that special girl, and how ordinary and disappointing it feels to be so very ordinary.  I'm just one of those girls that you had a crush on that you just decided to put the brakes on for.  I tried to remember that you said you wanted me in your life.  I tried. I try everyday, all the time.  But the truth is, your life looks so beautiful without me in it. My friend says you're just show boating, that you're going out and trying to have a good time to get over missing me.  But deep down in my heart, as much as I'm trying to keep it all together, I know that you're not show boating.  That you are truly happy, and that you are truly happy without me.  Why else would you end things, why else would you walk away.  I am trying so very hard to be positive, to imagine us back together.  I am praying every night that you'll wake up one morning missing me and realizing how wonderful of a girl i am and how happy you would be if i was in your life again.  My friend asked me isn't it hard to get over someone while you're still talking to them.  The truth is it's impossible. I'm such a believer in love and second chances and fate and all the crap because life and reality is too harsh and dark to accept.  But this is the reality of love isn't it.  It's never returned, it always hurts more than it heals, and there are no happy endings.  I see all those old couples and I think of how lucky they are to have it all figured out.  And then I see some alone, angry, dying.  They haven't figured it out and they never will.  I wonder how they felt at my age.  I wonder if I'm eerily peering into my own future. 

You look so happy without me.  How could I destroy that for you.  It's been a couple weeks and already your face is brighter, your smile bigger, your shoulders lighter.  And I want to believe it's because classes are ending and you have more free time but could it be because I'm not there to weigh you down?  You're so lovely, so beautiful, and I'm so dark.  People describe me as bubbily and spunky and a fire cracker.  It's all for show.  Deep down you're right.  I am a depressing person. I've see and heard things in my life that I can't let go.  I've felt things no little girl should feel and it's hard to not let that get to me.  And they say that one day I'll meet a man who will love and accept me for who I am.  love and acceptance are different than staying.  im tired of hoping and dreaming and wishing of this epic love connection that will never happen.  i thought i would never feel that way again until i met you.  i thought wow this is the man of my dreams. we used to ask each other where did you come from? as if we stepped out of a myth, a fairytale and into each others lives.  i guess the bigger question now is where did u go?  back to your old life.  back to your happy life. back to before you met me, before all the skyping and the obligations of being a good boyfriend.  back to the world of roommates and parties and family and warmth.  you went back to your fairytale and i went back to mine. yours is disney, mine is grimm.  yours is meant to encourage, mine is meant to heed a warning.  so many questions i want to ask u.  so many things i want to know.  but as my friend points out, these are all mute points.  does it matter if he's seeing other people.  does it matter if he likes other girls.  the point is he doesnt want to be with you.  it doesnt matter why or when or anything else.  what should i do.  should i continue to compete with all your friends and family for your affection for your attention.  am i just some girl you dated that one time way back when.  even now when i close my eyes i can feel your arms around me and i cry. i cry because i know that no matter how much i wish and hope and pray that you will never touch me like that again. and i see all my friends around me with their men and i smile because im happy for them.  and i cry because i can see them all figuring it out, and im still stuck at the starting line without a clue as to find true love and happiness. 

what am i doing here.  whats the next step.  time to dry your eyes sweetheart.  every moment im missing you i wonder if you ever think of me. if you too are sad.  if you too remember what it feels like to have my head on your chest and my hand on your back.  or if you just wake up every morning feeling better and better as i drift further and further out of your memory til you forget me all together.  the truth is i dont know if you miss me and i know you'll never tell.  time to dry your eyes sweetheart.  your life looks so beautiful without me in it.  mine...is a living nightmare. guess not much has changed.

if i had known

if i had known.  if i had known it was going to be our last night together i would've tried harder.  i would've made it sweeter, lighter, happier.  i would've smiled more, judged less.  i would've kissed you more deeply and loved you more passionately.  i would've insisted on not being too tired to make love. so many things i would've done if i had known.  but i guess that's when happens when good things come to end.  they just...end. no climax, no one last hoorah, no finale.  just emptiness and space.  and tomorrow morning ill wake up a different woman.  the sheets still smell like you. the roses you gave me are still on the living room table.  if i had known that would be the last time i hugged you i would've held you closer, held you tighter.  in my heart i want to wake up and pretend that all of this didn't happen.  that we were still in love.  were we?  who the fuck knows.  i just know this is not what i wanted.  waking up empty, cold, alone. again. thanksgiving. again. like seriously fuck this holiday, it's starting to remind me of all the things i'm not thankful for.  i find myself closing my eyes and imagining you coming back to me, saying that you still care about me and miss me and want me. saying that you still find me attractive, looking at me with those love sick eyes.  i wonder what my birthday present was. guess ill never know. i also know it's going to kill me every time i drive up to your building to tutor your neighbor.  and ill stare up at the window longingly like romeo did for juliet.  ill sit in my car and wait, hoping that maybe ill run into you on your way out. ill be wandering what crosses your mind when you see my car.  you asked me how you can miss someone when they've only been gone a few hours.  sweetie it's been 3 hours and i miss you more than i ever have before.  what happened to me, to us, what happened to falling in love, staying up late, never getting enough of each other.  what happened to love, to never giving up, to second chances.  what happened to a boy who likes a girl and became a man to win her heart.  what happened to walks to the grocery store, yogurtland, making dinners. what happened to all day sex-athons and snuggling.  god just what happened to us.  if i had known sweetie that this was the end, if i had any inkling this was coming.  i wouldn't have let you go.

forgotten

i have forgotten. forgotten what it feels like to be wanted, desired, to be interesting.  it wasn't til this moment that i realize i have forgotten what it's like to be asked what i wanted, how i felt, even when i was free.  there was a time i was asked weeks in advance when i would have time to spend a whole day with you because you wanted to see me so badly.  i have forgotten what's it like to not beg for a spare moment of yours.  every time i want to see you i have to ask because i have forgotten what it's like to be asked.  to be that girl who has it all.  you never ask anymore.  i can't even remember the last time you asked me for a moment of my time.  can't remember the last time you asked me when i was free so we could hang out because you wanted to see me.  i remember the last time you asked me to skype was so long ago i was in complete shock when i read it. what would happen if i didn't ask when you were free?  it's gotten so bad that even when i ask when you're free you tell me that you have to check and i find out later that you're really just filling your calendar with other people you want to see before you want to see me.  i learned this weekend that i have forgotten what good morning meant, forgotten what a surprise feels like versus an obligation, i have forgotten what two people wanting to be in the same place at the same time feels like.  and it felt so good.  and it makes me sad that we used to feel that way and that you don't anymore.  i don't know maybe you do but i don't feel that way from you anymore. i have forgotten the way you look at me.  i have forgotten what your smile sounds like. i have just simply forgotten.  is it my fault for forgetting or yours for not transmitting.  i guess i'll never know.  all i know is i miss you, i miss us, and i miss that feeling.  and i hate, i hate having forgotten.  but what i hate even more is being forgotten.  like screaming and shouting and jumping up and down and everyone notices but you.  you've forgotten what i sound like when i smile, my laughter, my joy.  i'd rather be rejected, neglected, insulted that forgotten.  it's like im so insignificant that i couldn't even be bothered to be actively negatively treated.  it just happens out of sheer annoyance and laziness.  it's like not being loved or hated or feared or liked.  it's like not being worthy of any emotions short of an empty space in your head that you are now filling with other things.  forgotten, what a terrible feeling.  that feeling of knowing if i was to walk away right now, that nothing in your life would change.  that one day you may wake up and notice that something was different, but not be able to put your finger on it, then fall back asleep acknowledging that it must not be that important.  i'm what's different, i'm what's missing, please don't fall back asleep.  remember me.  remember me.

JUST STOP!

I told off my HOA lady today.  She asked me where i got the code to get into my building. i told her that i got it from a neighbor.  she said i wasnt supposed to have it.  i told her that thats fine but instead of accusing me of doing something wrong (ie having the code) she couldve just told me.  she then emailed and left a voicemail apology saying that she did not mean at all to sound accusatory but that i mistook her tone via email.  she sounded sincerely apologetic and i felt bad because my tone was CLEARLY accusatory.  made me think of a conversation i had last night. how i take things and spin them for the negative.  why is it so hard for me to take things at face value.  hey, v, ever thought maybe she just really wanted to know where i got the code, where the leak was coming from?  nope..definitely she wanted to tell me i was wrong.  my mom has always said i was a very sensitive kid.  i would take things that she'd say and extrapolate them into the most monumental horrors imaginable.  i guess it was all those hours i spent in the garage "contemplating what i did wrong."  too much time solo causes someone to start having conversations in their own head.  which is not a good thing when youre actually having a conversation with another person because you start hearing their voice in your head instead of in your ears.  something's wrong with me. i was so sure of everything when i got back from europe.  i knew who i was, what i was doing, where i was going, and what i wanted.  im not totally lost now but i do feel like my confidence and security is slipping away.  ive never been good at it u know.  the whole love thing.  i dont get it.  i dont get how some people can stay so happy and so satisfied for so long.  im envious. envious with every fiber of my being to wonder what thats like.  i know how to make myself happy, but to get that from another person?  how? wont they leave? what if they stay? what if what you think theyre thinking isnt what theyre thinking? what if ur falling madly in love and hes falling madly out of it?  i cried at work this morning.  im not sure why, the conflict was taken care of.  but was it really?  i wanted to talk about feelings, but instead got totally dumped on for all the things i was doing wrong.  not the type of feelings i was talking about.  i wanted to talk about romantic feelings.  hearing how much he missed me and he thinks about me even when hes busy.  does he?  i dunno.  all i know is i need to pull away.  step back from the line v, ur not ready to cross it.  cause if u do and he doesnt...then its just u, there, all alone, on the other side of the line trying to figure out how to get back home.  step back v, he says ur pressuring him, step back, he says ur smothering him, step back, when u wanna text him, think.  when u wanna make him presents, think, how many have u made him this month?  when u wanna be sad when ur time together is over, think, is he sad?  no, he has other things to get done. he is not sad ur leaving and therefore neither should u.  ull see each other again..right? maybe just stop going over all together.  he says he doesnt invite u over on purpose.  take that as a hint...ur not supposed to go over.  stop inviting urself. just stop v JUST STOP.i feel this pain in my chest, like someone just squeezed my heart a little.  i know that feeling.  its the feeling of hopelessness.  clutching at ur soul like ur hand is the only thing keeping ur heart in ur chest.  hopelessly in love.  its sad really.  how many times has this happened sweetie, and u just cant learn.  nobody sees relationships like u do, love like u do, as this fantasy emotion thats neither real nor a dream.  such a strange uncontrollable feeling.  most kids experience this growing up, at least they have something to compare to.  i do not know if i have experienced true unconditional love...but i know ive experienced love and loss.  sad. to see such a beautiful girl cry.  but its time to get on ur feet v.  time to step up to the challenge just like u did when u thought u were going to die in europe.  time to figure out a plan when no one else is willing to cooperate or care for u.  time to get to the other side...but how, in this hour of need if i cant turn to whom i love then what?