Growin up is hard

I envy you Peter, the boy who never grows up.  To play all day, and dream and imagine, and fly around with the freedom of the air.  Where your biggest worry in the world is fighting pirates, partying with indians and rescuing princesses.  How I wish I could stop time and live everyday like the biggest adventure of my life only to wake up the next morning to something even better.  But then I stop and think...how many times can you relive the greatest day of your life before it is just another day.  If every morning I were to wake up, fly into the sky and sword fight with Captain Hook would I get bored of it?  So often I spend my time reminiscing of the past, dwelling on those slivers of sunshine in my childhood, teenage, and college years pining for a time-turner to even relive that moment for just another moment.  But you know what I learned today.  Time stops for no man...or wo-man.  Why is it when we were kids life was so much more grand?  I mean pre-school? BEST TIME EVER! everyday was spent with your best friend, fights were resolved with "I feel ___ when you ___ I want___"  you got to eat what you want when you want (or at least 6 times a day).  we got scheduled nap time in the middle of school...like they scheduled a time for us to sleep! and learning was fun.  i learned to count with cards and toy pigs.  its also how i picked up math so fast ;)  The key to being happy as an adult is to see the happiness in your world as you did when you were a child.  So many societal/parental/communal pressures are put on us these days it's no wonder we're all un-freakin-happy.  School became about grades and percentages and kids have killed themselves over their inability to score 104% regardless of how much they've learned.  Sports became about whose winning versus whose playing.  Boys and girls were no longer friends unless there was "some ulterior motive."  I was told today by someone very special to me that I am too much drama.  I never really considered myself a fan of the dramatics but I have noticed that drama tends to follow me around.  You wanna know why?  It's cause I'm so god damn concerned about being the best adult I can be I've lost site of what used to make me happy.  You know I rarely smile now.  I mean sure I'll plaster one on but to genuinely smile is such a rare occasion for me I've almost forgotten what it feels like.  The warmth from the center of your heart that spreads through your whole body.  Smiling with your entire face, your ears, eyes, mouth, so big to the point where your cheeks hurt.  That feeling of pure and utter joy that makes you forget about world hunger and cancer and your rent.  All the problems in the universe melt away because in that moment, whatever just happened, is so emotionally bright that it lights up every corner of the dark spaces of your mind that you can't help but to not think of anything else.  Lord I miss that so much.

But you know what, having a reliable lease doesn't make me happy.  Making a shit ton of money doesn't make me happy.  Being able to pay all my bills on time and have some left over to spend and even more to save doesn't make me happy.  The thought of buying my first property doesn't make me happy.  The thought of fixing all my problems with my boyfriend DOESN'T make me happy.  Having my mother's approval doesn't make me freakin happy.  All the things that are stressing me out right now in my life aren't things I should be stressing about because even if they were perfect it wouldn't make me happy.  You know what does give me that warm fuzzy feeling?  Dancing with my friends in our pjs in our room makes me happy.  Watching gossip girl on monday night with other viewers who squeal at every "omg" moment like i do.  Cooking with my friends and reveling in our ability to make such a mess and such crappy looking food that tastes like it was made with love.  Snuggling with my boyfriend on the couch, feeling his arms around me and not needing a blanket because his warmth is enough to fill my soul.  Laying on the carpet in an amazing open space with high ceilings that makes me feel like my world goes on forever.  These things make me happy.  And it is these things i should concentrate and focus on and the only things in my life that should stress me out is when i don't have these things.  but they're so easy to get and that's the beautiful thing.  my friends are my friends because they want to make mac and cheese and watch america's got talent with me.  my boyfriend is my boyfriend because he wants to wrap his arms around me and protect me from the cold. my apartment is MY apartment because it provides a positive energy space that i would love to come home to.

and so it is the happiness i need to keep in my life and the things that wont make me happy i should not worry about...easier said than done right?

60 days

So it has been practically 2 months since I've last written and lots has changed.  I could lie and say I've been busy so I haven't been able to write...or I could lie and say I'm emotionally damaged so i couldn't write. honestly i think im depressed.  the other day i was hanging with a new friend and she said something that made me laugh so hard my sides started to hurt.  i had forgotten what it felt like to laugh, to smile, to socialize without faking it...any of it.  There was a brief moment of light in all the darkness, and every ray of metaphorical sunshine that penetrated the gray cloud that seems to follow me i  soaked up like an addict.  i tried to only think of the sun and forget about the sadness.  but there's only so long you can ignore the raindrops on your face.  In the last month I have drank myself to vomitting, broke out with shingles, pushed through a staph infection, found an apartment, started a new job, broke up with my mother, got dumped by my boyfriend...twice, turned down going out at least 4 times, and gained about 5lbs.  The rays of sun: moved to LA, got to hug my best friends, fell in love, sang karaoke, saw harry potter, had my boyfriend tell me he loves me. 

I'm sitting at my friend's place now typing this blog entry because my boyfriend does not want to see me.  He says it's because I never seem to want to take care of him.  Just typing that brings tears to my eyes.  I'm not a naturally affectionate person.  I don't really love people and when I do I don't know how to show it.  I don't hug people when they're sad, I don't say I love you out loud, I don't know how to bake or cook warm delicious food to make someone feel full and satisfied, I'm not cute or sweet or gentle or even kind.  The sun doesn't shine out of my ass.  I am abrasive, brutally honest, intolerant, aggressive and impatient (except with children).  I push people to fulfill their potential and I don't settle for anything less than what I believe they can achieve.  I give pep talks like a football coach, not a guidance counselor.  I am the master of tough love.  I am supportive in that I help people with things that they need.  If their financially unsettled I'll fill their fridge or take them to dinner.  If they need a drink I'll buy them one.  If they have a problem, I will try to fix it.  In many ways I show affection like a man, but I want to be treated like a woman.  I want flowers and romantic words.  I want someone to hold me when I'm sad, rejoice in my happiness.  I want someone sweet and kind and gentle.  someone who will treat me like i have feelings and that those feelings get hurt.  In fact I guess you can say I'm looking for a man who can love me in a way i cant love myself..or anyone else for that matter.  My current boyfriend says I don't care.  But he doesn't know how much I care.  I care so much it hurts me every moment I'm not with me.  I care so much that everytime I can't give him what he wants i feel like cutting myself.  I care so much I don't know even know what to do at this point other than cry and hope to the cosmic powers in the universe that somehow he knows just how much i love him.  I love him so much that the thought of us not living happily ever after brings tears to my eyes.  and i cry often these days. 

i imagine this life for us where we're both hopelessly in love and just spend every waking moment saying so.  i imagine us going dancing, jetsetting all over the world, discovering new places and having amazing adventures together.  i imagine us getting married and growing old together, how beautiful our kids would be and how they would be so grossed out by how much their parents love each other.  i imagine all these wonderful moments where we look into each other's eyes and just smile and the warmth that will travel through my body filling every crevice in my soul until i glow like the sun.  but thats just my imagination i feel in my heart. i know it won't happen, and i keep trying to push that thought from my mind but i just know.  i was meant to fall in love with him.  i was meant to be with him. and he was meant to break me heart. we weren't meant to be together forever.  i guess passion like that doesn't last very long no matter how much you will it to.

Semi-annual New Year's Resolution update

1. I will get my abs back...so help me god I will look amazing damn it!
ok so i have successfully not lost or gained any weight since jan lol...though goal this summer is to work out 3 times a week on mon, wed, fri...since i had class this morning, first workout will be friday...and i will look amazing for swim suit season

2. I will swear to celibacy (before u freak out and think im a reformed sinner let me clarify).  I will ONLY have sex with a guy if and only if we are actually dating.  Dating is qualified as 2 months of continual contact, dates, and actual feelings for each other.  SOOO for all you users out there (and deep down you know who you are) sorry but these legs are CLOSED.
so this has worked sort of.  currently dating a guy (slept with him after about a month) but he lives in LA so that means we "hang out" but only via phone...except for the one week he was up here...long story short it has been a tumultuous adventure that im hoping will end with us falling in love and living happily ever after...mostly cause im already starting to fall for him and im gonna have some serious egg on my face if this doesnt work out....*sigh* why can we all just get along come on now

3.  I will break even by 3/31 and save 70% of every paycheck starting 4/1. lord help me
Actually doing really well with this one, i have only had to "break into my savings" once this year for like $300 bucks...thats nothing! now that ive saved enough the new goal will be to invest the money into stocks and work on buying a new laptop cause this thing is a piece of doo doo

4. I will find a job in la or nyc...i will be picky and i will not settle for anything less than im worth.
ok job hunt is not going well at all...however i read a book about finding jobs in los angeles and have my work cut out for me...for the summer im going to be establishing direct contact with the heads of department for every facility i want to work in regardless of job availability...get them to know who i am so that when a job does become available they cant say theyve never heard of me.

5. I will save 1 day a week to myself.  That means no friends, no family, no nobody.  Just vivian, the sunshine, a cup of java and maybe a trip to the mall.
ok this was working up until last month lol. with all my vacations and babysitting on saturdays and ap testing i havent had a day to myself in a while...but i scheduled them this summer to be saturday and i dont have tutoring anymore so maybe ill get the whole weekend off! *GASP*

6.  I will start reading for pleasure again.  I miss it, so in an effort to culture myself I will read 1 book a month for the rest of the year.
The only month i have missed so far is may (im still about 50 pages from the end of my book) its only cause ive been busy! but i swear im gonna finish that and reading for june will be Picture of Dorian Gray which i heard is scary, depressing, and fabulous...im so excited!

7.  I will visit la at least 2 more times this year.  Friends are as important as family and should be treated as such, especially since yall are so darn close.
well i just went to la haha...so that is twice that ive been there this year so far and im going again next weekend so that hits my quota! and lets be honest ill probably be down there for july 4 but we'll see.

8.  I will not...REPEAT WILL NOT..let a boy make me cry this year.  I am totally awesome and as Aneea would say should never compromise myself.
ok i totally f-ed this one up. i have definitely let a boy make me cry this year. its so easy to pretend you dont care until you do and then all of a sudden the tables are turned and ur doing everything in ur power to not f up which of course is making u f up more...ugh i have not felt this helpless since the last time i got my heart crushed, i guess the only time ive gotten my heart crushed..what a traumatic event...not gonna let it slow me down, gotta tell this guy exactly what i want and how i feel and he can take it or leave it but at least i can say that i gave it everything i got.

9.  I will not give into the temptation of drink.  Everytime I think to myself "wow I could use a drink" I will put my glass down.  Drinking should be for pleasure not for relief. (although I fully believe I have lots to drink for)
have been GREAT i repeat FANTASTIC with this one.  have yet to throw up this year, yet to drink due to sorrow, and really have not been that drunk in any situation (except at rehab in vegas but lets be honest no one was sad at that pool party haha) i like this rule i think i may keep it forever.

10.  And lastly, I will not raise my voice at my mother this year.  That's right, you heard it hear first.  Knowing me this will be by far the hardest "resolution" for me to keep, but possibly the most important.  Fact: I love my mother.  Fact: She is a crazy bitch.  Fact: My mother loves me.  Fact: I will treat her like someone who loves me, not a crazy bitch (even though she is one...let's just reiterate that)
ok fact...mom is a crazy bitch who deserves to be yelled at.  ive only raised my voice a couple times but have never actually full on yelled at her..usually by the time i get that mad i just leave the apartment (which i have done several times) or she kicks me out....basically she told me the other day that she hates me so much and that i need to move out cause she cant live "like this" when i told her to specify she just stated "like this" yea...time to get out of dodge cause living with her has put a permanent cloud over my head and ice in my heart.

please give me strength to fall

i was once asked, "how do u miss someone uve never hung out with?" have u ever met a person who instantaneously impessed u. whether it be with their smile, their demeanor, their words. one moment ur perfectly satisfied that there are no more interesting ppl in the world other than the ones u already know and then out of nowhere comes an indvidual who seems most intrigueing. and as u begin to talk all of a sudden u feel like their filling spaces of ur soul. spaces until then, u were convinced no longer existed (or simply ones u didnt know existed at all).  now normally when u miss someone its because u miss the time u spent together or the  fun things u used to do. but when u miss someone uve never hung out with its the strangest feeling. its like ur life is perfectly fine the way it is and then u realize ur missing something u never knew was there. i suppose thats what ppl mean when they say u find someone and u wonder how u ever lived without them. in short i met a man a little bit ago who has for lack of a better phrase, turned my world upside down. never have i met an individual so infuriating and yet irresistably charming. and i find myself asking why...why am i so into this guy if sometimes he makes me so upset. those who know me know that not that many ppl throw me off kilter. i have confidence in myself and know just how awesome i am. (not to sound too cocky). and i figured it out,ppl normally dont frusrate me because honestly i dont really care for their approval. whats frustrating is ive become so intoxicated with the desire for this guy that i find myself doing everything in my power to ensure his affection. its ctually changing who i am and now i fear in my endeavor ive actually screwed my chances of winning him over. ive been asking the cosmos to give me the strength to fall in love again, and here i am at the edge of a cliff with the potential of falling into eternal bliss and happiness and a golden freakin lake of love and something is holding me back. i am so terrified of stepping off into the abyss only to discover theres nothing but dirt at the bottom.  i am scared to death that im gonna fall in love with him and he is going to decide that i wasnt what he wanted, or worse that he could do better. ive had bfs in the past but i was always in control of my emotions. the one time i decided t let go i was dropped on my ass and it has taken me years to emotionally fully recover. and i honestly dont think i could be betrayed like that again and live to see another day.
in short i really really want to fall into ur arms but i am scared shitless u wont be there to catch me. so please be patient with me and please will someone please give me a push. i am falling for u, i just need the courage and reassurance to let go. <3

its time

its amazing all that money can bring. clothes, shoes, hanbags, trips of a lifetime and sometimes even companionship. when everything is dark it brings the light, and when times are hard it brings relief. money seems like the answer to all life's problems. to be able to have the whole world at your fingertips, to do what u want, buy what u want, and go wherever u want. these are all the joys that i thought money would bring me...and yet no amount of high heels or sun filled vacations can fill this void in my life.
i find myself sitting still alone in my car in the dark. the familiar taste of tears on my tongue and the smell of sadness, no despair, fill my nostrils forcing its way into my brain bringing back floods of memories and feelings i thought were long gone. money would get me my own space, money would get me the friends i never had, money would make my mother proud, money would make me someone ppl would want to be around. if only i had a great job and an awesome degree, then people would startpaying attention to me. if only i could walk around with a title and a paycheck then the stench of failure would wash away. that feeling of worthlessness, hopelessness, almost self loathing. why cant i be prettier, sweeter, smarter. why is my smile never white enough, my hair never blonde enough, my height never tall enough, and my weight just never enough.
despite the job and the money, im still living under my mother's iron fist. still when i look up, the people i love are not there, still when i wake up i feel suffocated by my expectations and being unable to meet them. somehow its like i never grew up, never progressed. i jumped the nest so excited to finally stretch my wings and fly away, away to a new land of possibilities, freedom, and utter ecstasy. i open my eyes and instead im plummeting head first toward the earth. the ground is approaching quickly, and with each passing day i feel the pressure of my impending doom looming before me. it wont be long now before the floor and i become bffs. time to catch some air viv, before its too late.

bikers outside starbucks

I would like to start this post out with a few observations i had this morning.
1. waking up at 7:30am was surprisingly easier than i thought it would be considering i had to get my oil changed before mom got home or she'd chop my head off (death seems like a good motivator)
2. there is nothing that makes me giggle more inside than seeing an old biker gang (i mean american chopper style with leather chaps and vests with tassels and all) in  front of a livermore starbucks ... hehe
3. i really do love my bangs and they're easier to maintain than previously imagined.  guess i was just going to all the wrong ppl before beautiful nancy gave me my life-changing hair
4. i have a feeling what my "poor work performance" is gonna be next month, somehow boss lady is gonna find out how much i actually surf the internet while im at work...im sure this is a fire-able offense but im hoping she'll think im too sweet to fire?

Just applied to a job at the VA in loma linda.  wouldn't that be nice.  the government doesn't pay well, but they sure give u nice benefits and excellent job security....YAY we'll see, should apply to some more today too.

mom comes back tomorrow evening.  im not sure how much longer i can live like this.  i think i figured out why i have to take a vacation every month.  it gives me something to look forward to.  dont get me wrong its not that im not happy with my life here (i used to be but then i did something about it...WHAT) i have recently acquired some great friends who i can now confidently slide from the acquaintence to i would love to hang out with u anytime just tell me when and where.  also reconnected with some old ones (though someone seems to be too busy to see me! ahem..seany).  work is going well, i finally feel somewhat integrated into the department....seems like they like me enough and ive worked enough day shifts that ppl are comfortable with me now (including boss lady...who actually is a lot nicer to me that i initially assumed..shame on me for jumping to conclusions).  i have actually started saving (feels good to see that number go up in ur savings account...slowly...but increasing never the less).  mom and i are quarreling about once a month (which is a RECORD) i mean seriously think about...we can go 30 freakin days without killing each other...its never been this good and im sooooo happy it is, suppose i dont have to rethink her wedding invitation afterall. 

and now that the weather is warming up, my days seem a lot brighter (literally and figuratively) so why then, i must ask, am i still not satisfied?  Am i such an overachiever that i can never just be content with what i have?  what a horrible way to live...i think?  i was talking to neilda the other day (one of the ab fab members of the dream team and for sure gonna be one of my bridesmaids even against her will) and we were talking about how much we missed the dream team being together and missed each other and just missed us.  the team has fallen apart (aside from me, neilda, and erin) and we're in 3 different cities lol.  and u know the more i think about it the more i realize why college was so much fun.  work hard play hard...but not even just that it was all about progression.  everyday i learned something new, about myself, about my friends, about my major. everyday i had ample supply to quench my thirst for knowledge.  every week was about getting to the next, passing each midterm was another check off my list, every class was another accomplishment, and when i finally got to walk in june i felt like i had conquered the proverbial world and i was ready to solve bigger problems.  i mean if i can get my bachelors why not fix world hunger!  and now, as content and fulfilling my life is now i cant help but to feel there is a hole in my soul where there never was before.  i have a thirst for knowledge, a thirst for adventure, a thirst for LIFE that i cannot quench, and everyday i assure myself that i have it good and that im blessed and that someone in the universe really likes me because honestly i couldve turned out a lot worse (like 6 feet under for instance).  so how do i quench this thirst?  where is my fountain of youth?  the endless supply of mother nature's sweet libation that will forever make me feel as young and alive as the most dynamic parts of my childhood, young adulthood? 

and so ladies and gentlemen, im perfectly fine with my cpk style margarita pizza, but after ive had the real stuff, the stuff that feeds your soul, i am striving to go back to figurative italy to have just one more bite of sheer and utter bliss.

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles

Miami, Vegas, LA, Catalina...boys can suck it!

Hola folks, long time no talk!  The sun has finally decided to come out to play after weeks (literally weeks) of nonstop rain/wind/gloom/ugliness and im praying to the sun god right now.  Lot has happened since we last spoke.  I suppose we should start from the beginning...

Dates: so after a few first dates last last last weekend, its safe to say that i am no longer seeing any of these guys.  one of them was super sweet and nice but honestly no real connection. i texted him after i got back from miami with no response so im guessing he feels the same way. another guy i had great fun with and we clicked really well and i thought he was hella into me until this weekend when i decided to ignore my calls for 3 days even though we planned on hanging out.  here's my rule guy...if ur too busy to hang thats fine, just tell me that ur too busy to hang...my biggest pet peeve in the world is flakers, it is better to call and cancel than to not call and hope ive just forgotten about u.  because honestly i dont forget easily, so more likely than not i remembered that we're supposed to hang out and am more pissed at you for ignoring me than i would be if u cancelled.  so good job fucker cause if u ever wanna see me again u better have an amazing explanation for being such a douche.  last guy i also texted when i got back from miami and we exchanged a few msgs but it seems the trail has run cold...hhmm, im sure we'll encounter each other later seeing as we share friends but i feel like we've simply last interest?

Next thing i'd like to point out is my awesomely amazing vacation i have planned for april.  vegas for girlfriend's bday for 3 days, LA for 3 days to say hi to other girlies, and sailing for 3 days with boy. um hello be jealous!  im so freakin excited its kind of disgusting.  ive been wanting to go back to vegas ever since i went for halloween, its about time i put in another LA trip, miss those girlies...and um on a boat for 3 days with the only boy who doesn't seem to have screwed anything up just yet....im impressed lol

That being said, let's touch on miami.  1 week of utter bliss.  given vacationing with guys (albeit gay or not) is very different than traveling with girls.  for one, ive discovered that munchkin does not understand that i cant get ready in 10 min.  its called shower, blow-dry, curl, make-up, lotion, heels, etc etc etc.  towards the end of vacation he started giving me more time to get ready but uh...lets just say the hair/make up was not up to my standards for the nights we went out (luckily i was perfectly fine with not getting any ass so no harm done).  pretty much it was beach by day, party by night, with a little shopping and a lot of rock climbing thrown in between.  could not have planned (or not planned) it better myself.  Thanks munchkin for showing me around and playing fantastic host!  i even got a tan!  not very much though since i slathered myself in sunscreen for fear of developing melanoma but thats ok a healthy glow is way more attractive than dry leathery skin anyways.

Overall the month of March has been rather succesful, productive, and a little crazy.  now i am shopping for an amazing monkini swimsuite for REHAB in vegas (crazy pool party at the hard rock) and anything else i may wear in vegas/catalina....and if the sun keeps shining like this i am very much looking forward to the month of april (even though the fortune teller says i will suffer heartbreak...whatevs dude, nothing a little liquor cant solve).

Lastly i would like to point out i have succesfully been celibut since jan...we're going into 3.5 months now ppl go me!

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles