twin

i contemplated calling you today. i woke up this morning and looked at my phone. no "good morning" text. no "have a great day!" nothing. just spam and work emails. oh the conundrum of adulthood. luckily i was too tired to be upset about it and just drove to work. not singing along to the radio, not dancing to "thrift shop" at work. i blasted the music so loud when i was opening this morning to drown out the sound of my own thoughts. what did i do wrong? like seriously? who knew being myself was such a major turn off? or maybe it was nothing i did. maybe it was something she did.  its possible i was totally being my usual charming self but she was being her unusual charming self and caught your attention? i dont know. i dont want to play this game. i guess this is punishment for all the games i played on men when i was younger. the senior scramble as they call it. get as many flings in as you can before you enter grown-upville and have to be a responsible committed individual retiring your player-ish ways less you be deemed an immature prick.  my friend is right. i must let you go find your way. there's so much going on in your life. i remember when i was in your shoes. the chaos, the confusion. being torn between what you love and what makes you comfortable. since what you love is often what scares the shit of you it makes sense to run..i know i did. ran all the way back home into a little hole under someones house, living on an old futon and donated furniture where the nights were always cold and the fridge always empty.  its scary out there. you're comfortable now.  being with someone whose been there for so long, being in a place you've been for so long. but your life is about to take a huge turn. i dont see that relationship lasting. i see it more of a security blanket. you know one day you'll have to let go. but in spite of all the tumultuous change of not knowing where you're going, what you'll be doing, or who you'll be doing it with you're reluctant to let go of that person whose always wanted you. who will always be there when you look back. 

but its time my love. you have to let go. maybe not for me, but for yourself.  how do you expect a plant to grow if you don't give it a bigger pot?  wherever you end up will be splendid. it'll be crazy and scary and at times totally depressing and you will miss the comforts of your old home, the people, the places, the girlfriend. you'll miss the security, the predictability.  and it hurts me to say this. it hurts me so unbelievably bad to admit that you're right to not know about us.  you're right to not know about anything right now.  just go with the flow and let the river take you wherever you'll be going.  and hopefully thats to me but theres a real possibility it wont.  and even though i can see us together in the future i cannot predict it.  its very possible that my life might take me even further away from yours (though i dont see how thats possible unless i leave the country...which i might.)  you know that saying, if you love something let it go and if it comes back to you its yours?  sad but true. you let me go 4 years ago. i vanished into thin air. that whole spring quarter/beginning of nuc med school was such a freaking mess i wouldve given anything to have been talking to you. but i fucked it up. when i needed you the most i pushed you away. im sorry for that as im sure you know since ive apologized a million times (and meant every one).  but im not going to leave you now. not when you need it the most.  the next few months will be a whirlwind. exciting but stressful. and what you need now is not some girl who is jealous of some other girl because some boy may not like her as much as some girl.  what you need is your best friend.  what you need is someone to call and bitch about that other girl, or that stupid project you had to finish. someone to tell when you finally land that interview or move to china or whatever! i will be that someone if you'll still have me.  im pretty sure im falling for you. pretty sure i have been for about 4 years now...ever since boston. but ive waited this long for you and you've waited even longer for me, i don't see why a little more time would hurt :)

Something happened yesterday I never expected to.  I can't say I didnt see it coming since i have a fairly descent intuition, but it hurt way more than i thought it would.  you know that feeling when you're on one of those rides...say dropzone...it brings you up, up, up and you get this excited anxiety that almost makes you wanna throwup if it weren't for your skin you'd go flying in every direction.  its a build, anticipation. and in the moment you linger at the top you can barely contain yourself. then, in an instant, the world just drops out from under you. there's a feeling in your stomach like a kind of weightlessness. and once you hit bottom you say "wow that was crazy." but was it really? I mean you knew what happened on the ride before you got in line. you knew what was gonna happen when you were on your way up, even right before the fall you knew it was coming. so why, tell me why does it always seem like such a Fucking surprise? is it possible to fall for someone you never see? is it possible to be too loving, too sweet, too kind. is it possible the woman he thought you were isn' who you actually are? I never thought my best friend would ever think of new like that. as less than satisfactory. I thought he like me since we were kids. is it possible I got so hyped up in his mind that I was rather disappointing once he had me? I don't know what I did, I'm not sure if I'd do anything differently. all I know is the person I talk to about these things isn't there anymore. the person who always had my back I feel just stabbed it. the person who thought I was wonderful, doesn't think so much anymore. I feel like a huge disappointment. like "yea I rode that ride and it wasn't as fun as it looked." maybe it wasn't meant to be. but tell me. who do you trust when you can't trust your friend. who do you love if not your best friend. who will be by your side of not your twin.

bring him to me, please.

ive been laying in bed all day today.  just been catching up on shows. the Stanford- UCLA game is on right now, thinking about streaming that.  then i thought about u. i thought about stanford boy. i thought about myself. im in a weird place. an empty place. im not happy but not sad. not in love but not out of either.  i dont really know what to do with myself anymore.  its been over a month since the break up and yet it feels like ages ago.  i have to make a conscious effort to remember a time when i saw you everyday.  when i try to remember a time when i was happy to see you everyday it feels like a lifetime ago.  ive started referring to you as my ex instead of by name.  strange.  the heart does strange things.  there was a time when i thought i couldnt live without you and here i am doing just that. moving on with my life. it helps that i am currently swamped with bills and therefore am heavily distracted. but ive also been talking to someone else.  its like i can go 6 months without having sex but my heart just cannot be alone.  i cling to people, my friends, my family.  im a people person. the thought of being alone with no one to talk to just terrifies me.  like id have to be put in a nuthouse if i just didnt see humans for more than a week.  and yet i feel bad talking to this other person.  i mean is it ok to like someone even though you just ended something with someone else but a few weeks ago?  has it really been that long?  this whole last month was such a blur and now after thanksgiving i dont even know where my head is at anymore.  my apartment is a mess. i find that my living space usually reflects the chaos of my life.  i feel like a mess therefore i live like a mess. all my clothes are clean but they are not in the closet where they should be.  all the dishes are in the washer but it hasnt been run.  my life has everything i would need, could need to make it perfect but i just cant seem to put them in their rightful place.  i dont know. i dont know what to do.  im just going through the motions everyday with no reason, no purpose.  i have no reason to be upset and yet i am.  i have every reason to be happy and yet im not. 

i think my life needs direction.  i just need someone to reach in and say "grab my hand, you're lost, we'll get you out of this."  any takers? any volunteers? am i doomed to circle this scattered space until one day it drives me mad. or i wake up and im 35 still living in the same place i am now doing the same job with the same people?  lord help me. bring me what i need. u know, bring him to me please.

starbucks

I went to starbucks yesterday.  i freakin cried at starbucks.  almost ordered a caramel macchiato til i realized it made me think of u and decided to go with a salty caramel mocha instead.  i wonder how many times i will have to go to starbucks to stop thinking about us frequenting the starbucks by your old place.  those were sweeter times i suppose.  i talked to my twin today.  made me feel better. thought maybe id go to bed without crying this time.  looks like i was wrong.  i took a melatonin, so maybe that'll kick in soon.  checked your fbook. saw that 5 years ago someone else you fucked used to call u the same thing i call u. somehow the tears stopped and i felt instantly less special.  i guess one day ill wake up and no longer feel the pang of emptiness in my life that you've left behind.  cant wait for that day to come cause mourning and healing blows.  i can still smell your cologne on my sheets.  i think thats what made me cry. to know ill never get to rest my head on your shoulder again. maybe i should wash the sheets.  im going to your place tomorrow to pick up my stuff. you wont be there. its probably better. itll finally be clean, just like i always wanted. too bad ill never get to enjoy it.  i realized most of the fond memories i have of us were at your old apartment.  that means before July...it's almost November.  I realized that all those feelings were real, still are for me, guess thats what makes this so tough.  i dont know if ill find another connection like the one i had with you. maybe i wont. maybe what i feel for u is unique, special.  maybe ill be lucky enough to form another unique and special connection with someone who will actually love me through thick and thin and never give up on me or us.  maybe one day ill wake up and realize you were right about us, just like you were right about us not moving in together.  all i know is right now i can't even buy starbucks. i miss you, i hate you, im slowly getting over you even though i dont want to.  i know i deserve better but really all i want is for u to treat me better.  prbly wont happen.  no it wont happen.  im sorry we want the same thing but just cant seem to get it. i love u.

my how time flies

October 12, 2011:
I'm going to meet a guy that I met online. Seems cute enough in pictures, I hope he's cute in person.  I hope we get along. I hope we don't run out of things to talk about.  God, I really hope he's cute.

October 13, 2011:
OMG he's so freaking hot! and he's nice, and interesting, and we oddly didn't run out of things to talk about.  in fact I'm going to text him right now to say I had a good time so he knows I thought he was awesome so we can go on a second date.

October 20, 2011:
Second date! Wonder what I'll wear.  He said he's coming to pick me up.  He's driving all the way from Hollywood cause he didn't realize how far LACMA was from me and didn't want me to have to drive far this time.  How sweet!  We went to the promenade.  He's letting me hold his arm, how chivalrous.  We had our first kiss by the fake moon on Santa Monica beach. He missed! it was awesome.  Stayed up til 4am just talking, didn't even try to have sex with me.  Best date of my life, and all we did was basically talk!

October 31, 2011:
What a freakin shit show!  too bad he doesnt remember even sleeping with me, lol. dressing up in costumes, drinking, dancing, partying...we're so silly and fun!

November 1, 2011:
he asked me to be his girlfriend! how is it that i got so lucky that the only man in los angeles who wants to settle down wants to settle down with me!

Birthday 2011:
he got me a freaking little mermaid ice cream cake and a dozen roses....most perfectest boyfriend ever! and he looked so good in his suite! swear to god nothing could have made that night any better!

Thanksgiving, 2011:
I miss my boyfriend because he is far away.  that's ok, he says ill get to go next year and every year after that.  imagine, a place to go to for the holidays every year. how fucking awesome.

Christmas, 2011:
I got him Wicked tickets. He says he's never seen wicked and I got him tickets and we will see it and it will be aweomse! He is getting me an ipod...i will lose it....so in hindsight maybe not the best gift lol.

New Year's Eve, 2011:
Drive up the coast to Norcal.  I've never taken a trip with a guy before and I have to say I need to do this more often.  we stayed in all these romantic little places all up the coast then went out for new years in the castro with norcal friends.  im falling in love. this guy is the best thing thats ever happened to me.  i cant wait to spend the rest of forever feeling punch drunk love.

Valentine's Day, 2012:
We missed our dinner reservations.  given it was my fault so i cant be mad, but it was still awesome.  he got me lettuce ( i think they were supposed to be flowers) so sweet! i love it when he gets me flowers, even if its just green heads of lettuce haha.  but we promised to make it up later!...we never did.

Happy 6 months!, 2012:
Went to Koi and then a show at the laugh factory.  Koi is DELICIOUS.  had the miso cod i believe, will never forget how delicious it was.  there are pictures! we are so cute. look at us smile.  we finally remembered to celebrate an anniversary! haha.  he claims that 6 months is a big deal.  its the longest relationship ive ever been in, so i believe him.

Vegas for Ang's bday, 2012:
its memorial day and we're spending it in vegas for my friend's bday.  originally only i was supposed to go because we fought and were "taking a break"  when i bought all my tickets.  but then a week later he said he missed me and loved me and we were off our break and on our way to vegas.  we had so much fun, we got a little too drunk, we fought on the first night.  i was cold and wanted to leave the club.  i dont remember what we fought about, but i think it was something about him not taking the lead.  we ended up leaving and going home and things were better.

my boyfriend's birthday, 2012:
 we're going on a trip to norcal! its also the twin's bday so its like a 2 in 1 trip!  ive made a surprise for him.  so excited.  i booked a junior suite at this super nice ass hotel in union square.  also bought lots of sexy lingerie.  he is going to be stoked!....he was totally stoked! the surprise totally worked, like he didn't even realize what was going on til we were in the room!  god im so good.  and he totally LOVED the lingerie, but then again, who wouldn't? hehe

August 19, 2012:
his best friend's wedding.  no, not the movie, we were in Connecticut.   i didnt think i was going to get to go to the wedding since we had been fighting because he wasnt booking the tickets.  i guess we had been fighting a lot because at this point we had broken up twice.  but in the end i still went.  it was the most romantic time i have ever spent with anyone. wedding's are fabulous! everyone is punch drunk love and in such a great mood.  i thought wow, i really could do this forever.

October 17, 2012:
I am not going to his house for thanksgiving.  apparently the tickets are too expensive.  i dont believe him.  we argue.  we argued over something that i cannot recall.  i think maybe it had to do with us argueing over the weekend.  i dont remember.  i am pissed, he didnt tell me earlier about thanksgiving after i already asked for the time off.  im convinced he doesnt love me anymore.  he convinces me otherwise saying hes still crazy about me and that we will try to make it work.

October 18, 2012:
I am still hurt about thanksgiving.  so hurt in fact that i tell him he needs to fix it or we're done.  in hindsight not the best wording because he really didnt fix it and we really are done.  he is mad. i am mad. nothing gets solved.

October 19, 2012:
he says its not fair for me to make him pick between him and his family. i told him that is not wht i meant and that i would never do such a thing.  he says good because he would always pick his family anyways.  yes i know but it still makes me feel shitty when you say it.  i say just come to disneyland and we will pretend the whole thing didnt happen and that we will talk about it later.

October 20, 2012, 5:01AM:
i've decided to call in sick for work.  he tells me he doesnt love me anymore.  tells me he doesnt have those same feelings he had when we first met.  doenst feel like he is the same person. he doesnt like the person he is now around me.  he says he doesnt love me anymore.  says that he's given me countless chances.  i tell him how his family's rejecting me for thanksgiving really hurt my feelings.  i was trying to stay calm this weekend.  i was trying to think rationally.  i thought maybe if he knew how i felt he might be more understanding.  he tells me he doesnt love me and all i can think about is him hugging me tonight.  his hand on the small of my back. his lips on mine.  and despite everything im saying and everything hes not all i can hear is that he doesnt love me.  and all i can feel is the absence of his hugs. and the absence of his hand on my back.  my how we have come full circle.  this time last year we were falling in love.  now we're falling out of it.  or rather, he doesnt love me and i wanna curl up into a ball and die.  we've been fighting for a while.  i guess i should've known this was coming.  but i didn't.  it hurt. im hurt. i should've been prepared but i wasn't.  part of me is still thinking that maybe a few days from now he'll miss me and call me and say we'll give it another shot.  but i know he won't. why would he, he doesnt love me anymore. i know what you'll say.  you'll say that i can do better, that i will bounce back, that im young, that ill figure it out.  and maybe ur right.  but right now i just want him back.  he asked me why i cant let him go.  i told him i loved him and i dont just leave people.  he said he wasn't going to change his mind.  i told him it was mean of him to ask me to pour my heart out even more if he wasnt going to at least consider it.

October 20, 2012, 5:09AM:
im now going to drink a bottle of pomegranate wine.  i am going to watch the movie he's just not that into you, which inevitably will make me hope that maybe he is into me.  maybe itll work out.  maybe we can get that loving feeling back.  that we could live forever in that state of bliss and happiness and joy.  but even though in my head i hope and i dream and i wish, in my heart i know that it wont come true. sad isn't it.  that a year ago  i wanted to spend the rest of my life with this guy.  and a year later he doesnt want to spend another moment with me.

somewhere between expectations and poop

I wonder what it feels like, depression.  Some describe it as a dark cloud forever hanging over their heads.  Some say its a coldness that cant be heated.  How would you know if you're depressed?  Technically it's a chemical imbalance in the brain that cause someone to overproduce certain hormones that others only have when they're sad.  So tell me, how do you know when you're sad and when you're depressed?  Is it reversible?  Curable? Or merely treatable?  I think I am generally a sad, tormented individual.  People sometime describe me as bubbly, energetic, fun and fierce.  I guess I am all those things...sometimes.  But people who really know me know that I am familiar to sadness.  I can honestly say I've been through more in my life than most will in theirs and less than least will in theirs.  I guess you would say my life has been hard but it could've been much harder.  I once met a boy who grew up in Nigeria in a little village with no running water.  He was beaten everyday at school and forced to pick up the poop of his classmates and throw them into the bushes to dispose of them.  He went to school everyday, even when it took him far away from his family.  He was one of the few who went to high school from his village and from there came to America to attend college.  Learning all my pre-med courses were hard enough being a native English speaker.  I could not imagine having to learn o-chem in say...Swahili.  He is now getting his MD/PhD and will soon be a doctor.  My life could've been harder...I could've been beaten everyday at school instead of everyday at home.  And I wonder, if I could have not gone home to be beaten would I still have returned?  What kept this boy coming back to his place of torture every fucking day for YEARS?!  I don't think I'll ever know.  On the other end you have a boy who comes from a life of privilege.  A loving family, a gorgeous home, great schooling, really every opportunity in the world.  What I would give to have opportunities like his.  Probably my first born kid, since I know I'd be able to buy him back later.  And yet he too said he was depressed.  For a long time he didn't want to be around anymore.  Hidden in his shell, hoping to recede into the background. Tired of being picked on, being tormented.  Tired of being told to pay attention to things he found painfully boring.  Living under constant pressure and expectations to be a certain way and do certain things and for what?  Himself?  Society?  Maybe even his parents?  Me, I'm somewhere in the middle of those two. Somewhere in the middle of living up to expectations and picking up poop.  All I know is right now I'm motherfucking upset.  I don't know how long this sadness will last.  Usually I stay sad until something or someone comes along to make me happy. I have many things in my life that could be happy. I just bought a place and now that the turmoil of buying a place is over I can have fun decorating it.  I just had my surgery to cut out part of my cervix so maybe the next time I go in for a pap it'll be the first normal pap I've had in over a year!  Maybe my love and I will make it to our first year anniversary and I can finally feel what it's like to be with someone you love through all the good and bad for an unseemingly long amount of time.  Or maybe furnishing the place will be exhausting and tortuous. Maybe my next pap will come back worse than before and I will have to go in for more extensive surgery.  Maybe my boyfriend and I will break up tomorrow like we almost did tonight because he cant stand my sadness anymore and I can't force myself to be happy anymore.  Maybe by 2013 my whole life will seem completely no longer worth living. Maybe it'll be something to live for.  I don't know what's going to happen.  I don't know.  I just want to be happy.  I want to be with someone who can make me happy for the rest of my life.  To be hopelessly in love is like being on an endless high without the side effects of being a druggie.  To love and be loved for all eternity.  Now THAT is a line worth waiting in.

wtf

Alone. Somehow it always come down to this doesn't it?  I thought being nice to others would mean they will be nice to you in return, right? Wrong. one hundred percent mother fucking wrong.  being nice to other people means you're being nice to them.  it means you're a sucker. which is fine, sometimes making another person smile is well worth the effort.  but dont even expect them to be nice to you in return.  karma's a bitch and she's only there to see you fall flat on your face.  Somehow my life now parallels my life 6 years ago.  losing my boyfriend, my mother, my grades slipping, in and out of the hospital..its all coming back to me now, the horror of the world.  i went in for surgery this morning, had some pre-cancer cells in my cervix i just HAD to get rid of.  and when i woke up guess who was there to greet me. mi madre tells me we are goin to the dmv...10 minutes after i woke up from surgery i directed my mother to the dmv so we could replace my license plates.  then we went to ihop to talk about how much money i owed her.  then we went home and thank god she passed out for 3 hours cause she is sick too.  momentary peace, the calm before the storm. when she woke up she asked me what else is there to do on our list today.  what else? how about sleep and rest since i just fucking HAD SURGERY! nope, we steam cleaned the carpet instead. then proceeded to clean the kitchen.  then as if i wasnt exhausted enough already my boyfriend fucking comes over to "see me" which really translates into "my body is here but my mind is not. i am busy writing up business cards."  finally my mom leaves and i ask him why we dont do anything fun anymore. he says that hes busy. im busy too doesnt mean i dont enjoy romance.  but apparently when hes busy im the first person he decides can wait.  we argue. i cry.  loneliness. i tell him it really hurts my feelings when i say that i need him and he has other things hed rather be doing.  he says that he understands and that he will try to be there for me,  then i say that i need him tonight because im having a particularly rough day. he says he needs to go home and do laundry because he has no clean underwear.  i lost. i lost the battle for my boyfriend to dirty boxer briefs.  he asks if i want to see him tomorrow. what if you're busy. what if im not.  well i guess if you're not busy and you have nothing else to do and you're bored of being alone then you can fit me into your schedule huh!  bullshit. i want to be with someone who wants to move shit around during their day just so they can see me.  not someone who has me on reserve as his "well if theres nothing else to do..."  we used to be in love.  we used to be that sickeningly cute couple that other people would throw up at because we were so damn cute.  we used to go to comedy shows and dinner dates, dress up for each other and go out.  we used to cook dinner and come up with random foods we wanted to try. and now?  now he'd rather be doing laundry...he'd rather be smoking weed...he'd rather be doing anything else than spend the night falling asleep with me in his arms.  i guess its me and you pillow. as it was so many years ago.  me, my pillow, and alcohol....LOTS of alcohol.  i drank a lot, fucked a lot, and serial dated my way through college.  i wonder how im going to get over abandonment, heart break, and hating my life this time.  i hope it doesnt involve more fucking cause im pretty sure thats how i got the HPV that caused my cervical pre-cancer bull in the first place.  great so everytime i have my heart broken i get cancer?  ...this is gonna be a short life indeed.