ive started crying again. sitting in my car and crying. sometimes i wish i could get away from my own life. take up spear fishing and live in a hut in bora bora. my mom claims ive been under this much pressure before. i think i mustve been superwoman. i called my coworker out today saying that im tired of picking up his slack and doing everyones job. he told my other coworker he wanted to report it to my boss. what a doucher. i feel like my limbs have been tied to 4 horses pulling in opposing directions and im one bee sting away from being in pieces. i guess im just bitching and should woman up. im sure the insomnia will kick in soon. ive cried everyday this week. a couple times at work today i started to tear up and had to consciously focus on my breath to not start balling. i just want someone to wrap their arms around me and say "its ok, we'll get through this. ur amazing and awesome and u can do everything." too much to ask? thought so. ive been told i give the best pep talks. sucks that i also have to give myself one. and people ask why i feel like i hafta do everything. ill tell u why, its because when u say 'if i dont do i im sure someone else will." im the one fixing it.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
my mirror
u know we see the world as past mistakes. each one like a little spot or blemish or stain on our otherwise pristine record. just spent a couple hours today cleaning an apartment. every spot lifted, every fingerprint wiped away, ever dirty dish disappeared. its almost as if i wasnt even there. how easy it is to spray some windex on a surface and paper towel away all the mistakes, all the flaws. there are many things i wish to clean off my record but i cant. our lives only move in one direction..towards the end. sure things can mend, heal, or even seem to dissolve all together but a single trigger can bring back floods of emotions and memories once thought long lost.
the other day i picked up a little lion figurine. it was from my ex. i found it while searching for contact lenses (which i did not find by the way..bugger). i looked at this little lion and i felt absolutely nothing. no anger, no remorse, no regret. no love, no "what if", no nothing. it was kind of disappointing. i thought i would at least be angry seeing as every time i speak his name it still leaves a terrible taste in my mouth. but no, and so, very anticlimactically, i threw it away. just like that, just fucking threw it away. u know my boyfriend keeps things from his past relationships or flings or what not. i know lots of people that do. in fact i think i still have the note my very first boyfriend wrote to ask me out on a date when i was 16. still have the note and cd a good friend of me gave me telling me he loved me when we graduated high school. i still have random cds from people i used to like or used to like me and everytime the song shows up on my playlist i smile. never say anything or tell anyone im with that "this is the song that so and so gave me". i simply smile. brings me back to a younger time, a more innocent time, a time for love and romance and burned cds and dedicating songs.
like spots on a mirror we cant windex away. memories, mistakes, opportunities lost, taken. part of me really would like to just delete it all. start fresh, start new. but every blunder, every turn, every action and choice ive made has made me who i am today. so when i look in the mirror i dont see just a reflection of what i look like in that moment, but i see all the spots and scratches and blemishes ive made reflecting back at me. and i smile. one day i may throw away all those things and delete all those songs and wipe my mirror clean. maybe one day ill stop crying about things my mother has told me or things my father didnt do. maybe one day ill forgive those who have hurt me because ill recognize that they didnt know any better. maybe one day i can start with a clean slate. maybe thats what love is. someone coming up to u and saying "here let me clean that for u" and windexes the shit of ur mirror. maybe he'll say "there, now thats the girl i want to remember because from here forward we will be adding our mistakes and water marks to the mirror. but it will be our mirror, so we'll share the same spots."
maybe ill never be able to let it go and ill forever be cautious and careful. what a horrible life that would be. to not ever be able to fully trust someone "just in case" they fuck u over in the end. but hey, im only human. if i trust someone with my life why not also my livelihood? *sigh* i dunno im kind of going through a funk today. i start work at the new hospitals tomorrow. we'll see how that goes. i was just thinking where i might on my next birthday..i have a feeling itll be a LONG ASS way from today.
Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles
the other day i picked up a little lion figurine. it was from my ex. i found it while searching for contact lenses (which i did not find by the way..bugger). i looked at this little lion and i felt absolutely nothing. no anger, no remorse, no regret. no love, no "what if", no nothing. it was kind of disappointing. i thought i would at least be angry seeing as every time i speak his name it still leaves a terrible taste in my mouth. but no, and so, very anticlimactically, i threw it away. just like that, just fucking threw it away. u know my boyfriend keeps things from his past relationships or flings or what not. i know lots of people that do. in fact i think i still have the note my very first boyfriend wrote to ask me out on a date when i was 16. still have the note and cd a good friend of me gave me telling me he loved me when we graduated high school. i still have random cds from people i used to like or used to like me and everytime the song shows up on my playlist i smile. never say anything or tell anyone im with that "this is the song that so and so gave me". i simply smile. brings me back to a younger time, a more innocent time, a time for love and romance and burned cds and dedicating songs.
like spots on a mirror we cant windex away. memories, mistakes, opportunities lost, taken. part of me really would like to just delete it all. start fresh, start new. but every blunder, every turn, every action and choice ive made has made me who i am today. so when i look in the mirror i dont see just a reflection of what i look like in that moment, but i see all the spots and scratches and blemishes ive made reflecting back at me. and i smile. one day i may throw away all those things and delete all those songs and wipe my mirror clean. maybe one day ill stop crying about things my mother has told me or things my father didnt do. maybe one day ill forgive those who have hurt me because ill recognize that they didnt know any better. maybe one day i can start with a clean slate. maybe thats what love is. someone coming up to u and saying "here let me clean that for u" and windexes the shit of ur mirror. maybe he'll say "there, now thats the girl i want to remember because from here forward we will be adding our mistakes and water marks to the mirror. but it will be our mirror, so we'll share the same spots."
maybe ill never be able to let it go and ill forever be cautious and careful. what a horrible life that would be. to not ever be able to fully trust someone "just in case" they fuck u over in the end. but hey, im only human. if i trust someone with my life why not also my livelihood? *sigh* i dunno im kind of going through a funk today. i start work at the new hospitals tomorrow. we'll see how that goes. i was just thinking where i might on my next birthday..i have a feeling itll be a LONG ASS way from today.
Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
the world is supposed to end this year right?
Welcome to 2012! Somehow i find myself still alive and celebrating another new year. honestly im not sure how i do it. one day at a time? one month at a time? one breath at a time? i feel over the last few months i have grown as a person, as a woman. finding that delicate balance between work, play, girls, man. not gonna lie sometimes i like to go back and read earlier blog posts. i dont know whether im admiring my writing or if i just like to see the pain i went through. kinda like itching a scar. u know its healed but sometimes it still irritates u. i guess all it takes to turn ur life around is a big smile and a carelessness that allows u to throw urself into the world with abandon and naivity. everything that makes me happy right now i have come by on a total whim. asking for a job without expecting there to even be one available, kicking my roommate/best friend out and finding a new one within 5 hours, going on a date and waiting 45 minutes simply because i wanted to see the damn Tim Burton exhibit (kindest regards go to my fascination of dark claymation movies). hell even my mom is talking to me right now! *sigh* i guess my writing is not nearly as good when im happy. its all light and fluffy and giggly and much less dark and ominous and beautiful.
i just finished watching a movie about love. not mushy love between two lovers but the love that forms a connection between friends, sisters, struggle, survival, death. in ancient china women married for reasons beyond their control. to men who didnt care about them, their feelings, their well being. forced since childhood to the restrictions and limits set to them by society, these women seeked refuge within each other against a common enemy..the world. and in many ways i think we all pine for that partner in crime who we know against all odds will always be on our side. but its not all rainbows and sunshine. the film captured the sadness and hopelessness of love. the loyalty, the betrayal, the sacrifice. i may have found someone who im almost certainly falling for (as us scorpios do) whom i may or may not love. difficult to say really, the true test of love is in the pitfalls. when the going gets tough, the loveless run away. i would say that i can no longer handle another heartbreak. that after stanford boy i thought i would never truly love again. and the truth is, that there were only 2 other people ive ever said "i love u" to after him..surprisingly (or not) both situations were in utter tragedy. But come to think of it I dont think I was actually in love. I felt the pain and the suffering and the unquenchable thirst of wanting to be wanted and equated that to love. both boys did not truly love me back and actually both are total losers (not just by my own but by societal standards). prbly why i was able to get over it so quickly. conclusion: ladies if after dumping ur man u feel like a ginormously huge weight has been lifted off ur shoulders and u are now free to be happy...it was not love. u are as i was in love with the idea of being in love. do not confuse this with actual emotion. i feel like when i do love again (which im sensing will be soon..fml) it will creep up behind me and smack me in the back of head and BAM everything is sunshine and rainbows! as i described once before many many years ago when i was a young impressionable teenager; being in love is like being in a permanent state of euphoria without the need for drugs and/or other supplements. rarely will things bother u and when they do the love will be so great that it will be easy to let those things go. im sure thats how the old people do it. being pissed off about something their significant other did then remembering all the wonderful things they did followed by forgetting all the trivial matters that seem to cloud our daily judgement.
Goodnight cyberspace..i think im off to bed. im hoping the posts will be much happier from now on but ill throw in a sob story every now and then, just to keep my writing sharp ;)
PS: promise new year's resolutions reflection and proposition will be posted shortly
Live ur Life
Victoria Niles
i just finished watching a movie about love. not mushy love between two lovers but the love that forms a connection between friends, sisters, struggle, survival, death. in ancient china women married for reasons beyond their control. to men who didnt care about them, their feelings, their well being. forced since childhood to the restrictions and limits set to them by society, these women seeked refuge within each other against a common enemy..the world. and in many ways i think we all pine for that partner in crime who we know against all odds will always be on our side. but its not all rainbows and sunshine. the film captured the sadness and hopelessness of love. the loyalty, the betrayal, the sacrifice. i may have found someone who im almost certainly falling for (as us scorpios do) whom i may or may not love. difficult to say really, the true test of love is in the pitfalls. when the going gets tough, the loveless run away. i would say that i can no longer handle another heartbreak. that after stanford boy i thought i would never truly love again. and the truth is, that there were only 2 other people ive ever said "i love u" to after him..surprisingly (or not) both situations were in utter tragedy. But come to think of it I dont think I was actually in love. I felt the pain and the suffering and the unquenchable thirst of wanting to be wanted and equated that to love. both boys did not truly love me back and actually both are total losers (not just by my own but by societal standards). prbly why i was able to get over it so quickly. conclusion: ladies if after dumping ur man u feel like a ginormously huge weight has been lifted off ur shoulders and u are now free to be happy...it was not love. u are as i was in love with the idea of being in love. do not confuse this with actual emotion. i feel like when i do love again (which im sensing will be soon..fml) it will creep up behind me and smack me in the back of head and BAM everything is sunshine and rainbows! as i described once before many many years ago when i was a young impressionable teenager; being in love is like being in a permanent state of euphoria without the need for drugs and/or other supplements. rarely will things bother u and when they do the love will be so great that it will be easy to let those things go. im sure thats how the old people do it. being pissed off about something their significant other did then remembering all the wonderful things they did followed by forgetting all the trivial matters that seem to cloud our daily judgement.
Goodnight cyberspace..i think im off to bed. im hoping the posts will be much happier from now on but ill throw in a sob story every now and then, just to keep my writing sharp ;)
PS: promise new year's resolutions reflection and proposition will be posted shortly
Live ur Life
Victoria Niles
Friday, December 23, 2011
I was 12
It's late at night, pitch black. A storm is coming. It smells like the clouds are about to cry. A little girl is shivering, huddled underneath the ledge that keeps the garage door dry. She's small enough to fit in the thin dry patch of concrete on the driveway right by the metal doors. The walls of metal keeping the cars warm. The storm grows, the rain falls, and lightening begins to strike. She can hear the crack of thunder in the distance and see the flash of electricity on the ground, but she doesn't look up. The drops begin to slant as the wind lashes her face with tiny bullets of cold. It smells like rain, like sadness, like loneliness. It smells like that taste of tears and snot and hatred. The little girl is soaked, the ledge can no longer protect her. She tries to break into the car parked on the driveway but can't remember the code. She is scared, thinking she may die in this storm, in suburbia, in her own driveway. Calmly she closes her eyes and pictures her father's hands as he unlocks the door for her, as he has done hundreds of times. With a clap of thunder her eyes open and there is no one to open the door. Reaching out she lets her fingers do the talking and hits five keys. The doors unlock. Climbing inside the back seat and closing the door behind her she locks the car. Wet, cold, unimaginably cold. Not the kind of cold you can come back from, the kind that chills to the bone. Cold that turns to night and freezes the soul. As she curls up on the cloth seats she continues to sob. She is alone. Slowly, as the rain pounds on the roof of the car as if to crush her inside, the little girl drifts away into sleep. A deep relieving slumber. As the moments pass and she falls deeper she wonders if she'll ever wake up. If she even wants to wake up. The comforting grasp of death welcomes her in away from the cold, out of the rain, into the eternal world of apathy. Time passes, an indeterminate amount of time passes. A knock on the window pulls her out of her dream. She isn't dead, she is still forced to live this life. Looking out the window she sees her dad. It is late, much later than she has ever been up before. It's like a completely different time, the twilight hours of the night. He takes her inside the house and up to her room. She changes into dry pjs and he tucks her into bed. And like a prince in the night he disappears. Blankets, so many blankets and yet still shivering. She stares into the blackness of her eyes and dreams of the sweet release of death. The sun shines, her mother opens the blinds, and the little girl wakes from the land of freedom to a 104 degree fever and an immediate need to vomit. Her mother asks her if she knew what she had done wrong. She nods knowing that it will be the quickest way for her to avoid another tirade. But honestly she doesn't remember why she was punished. Just the cold and the wet and the loneliness and the charm of deep everlasting slumber.
Life ur Life,
Victoria Niles
Life ur Life,
Victoria Niles
Friday, September 23, 2011
2011 has been a horrid year
September twenty third of two thousand and eleven. This year has officially blown. I know that the best months have yet to happen (halloween, my birthday and christmas) but i have a distinct inkling that those are gonna suck too. why...cause halloween this year will be worse than last year. last year i was celebrating getting a new job, in vegas with a new bestie, and wearing the awesomest costumes ever. this year i am 7 lbs heavier, bestie has a bf in san diego, and i am now mourning a job loss. birthday this year, also probably gonna suck. not getting along so great with 2 of my best friends, hopefully people will come to my bday party, well hopefully ill even have money to THROW a bday party since the bestie im supposed to have my party with hasnt even moved in yet. Christmas...dont get me started on christmas...no family nearby, no presents (no money), probably wont even be able to afford a tree this year.
I officially ended my tumultuous 4 month escapade with he who was formally known as my boyfriend. After 2 weeks of horrible (lets just be friends) drama I decided I had to move on. It just wasnt sitting right with me being towed along and played like that, even though he said he didnt want to "mess me around" who even says that...how do u mess someone around. anyways after proclaiming my love one last time and him still rejecting me i said to hell with it and have since cut him off. unfortunately i am now $3000 in the hole but hey, don't lend out money unless you don't expect to get it back right? he says he'll get it back to me slowly but surely until he lands a gig. 1. yea right and 2. yea fucking right. i am never seeing that money again and it has long been spent. expensive mistake but now i know...i for sure do not like being a sugar momma. in fact i find it rather repulsive and disgusting that a man that much older than me would ask me to pay for things, i mean seriously if i wanted a girlfriend i would be lesbian. *sigh* anyways im losing my job. Still in limbo, no idea if theyre laying me off or just reducing my hours to zero and keeping me on the payroll to make my life miserable. Either way the cash river will be reduced to a trickle come Oct. 6 and officially stop flowing by Halloween. This means I have one month to either land a Nuclear Medicine job in Los Angeles (which i have been trying to do for a year now) or im gonna start babysitting for a living. *double sigh*
Did i mention im sick? not the flu (thank God) just an annoying cough and feeling tired and shitty. Also i had an allergic reaction to my peppermint chapstick...yea lips got all puffy and blistery and they hurt like HELL. but now im almost fully healed so thats good. o and my contact has cut my eye again...wow im just in really horrendous physical condition. so there's that
the one good thing happening in my life right now is i met a boy. he's smart and funny and easy to get along with and isnt a total psychomaniac. and he aint too bad to look at if i say so myself. although honestly, i dont know if im ready to get back into the dating game so to speak. for a while now ive been wanting a relationship but after everything thats happened over this last year i think im ok with just NOT. like something fun and casual and drama free. though i totally fucked up last nite and ended up paying for our meal cause ex bf had me pay for everything and so by a horrible force of habit i reached for my wallet and threw my card on the table only to have it be super awkward so i was like "ill get it" and then it was more awkward....o well i used to be so good at dating...now i just suck. *sigh*
ok new concentration is finding a job. somehow the cash money has to keep coming in so goal for month of october (once i stop traveling everywhere) is to set up as many tutoring/babysitting gigs as possible while still looking for nuc med jobs...also i dont want to work mobile anymore. stupid idea, stupid work environment, just stupid. so to all u peeps out there who actually read my blog (which is no one) please wish me luck, ill need every little bit of it i can get.
Live ur Life, (even if it sucks)
Victoria Niles
I officially ended my tumultuous 4 month escapade with he who was formally known as my boyfriend. After 2 weeks of horrible (lets just be friends) drama I decided I had to move on. It just wasnt sitting right with me being towed along and played like that, even though he said he didnt want to "mess me around" who even says that...how do u mess someone around. anyways after proclaiming my love one last time and him still rejecting me i said to hell with it and have since cut him off. unfortunately i am now $3000 in the hole but hey, don't lend out money unless you don't expect to get it back right? he says he'll get it back to me slowly but surely until he lands a gig. 1. yea right and 2. yea fucking right. i am never seeing that money again and it has long been spent. expensive mistake but now i know...i for sure do not like being a sugar momma. in fact i find it rather repulsive and disgusting that a man that much older than me would ask me to pay for things, i mean seriously if i wanted a girlfriend i would be lesbian. *sigh* anyways im losing my job. Still in limbo, no idea if theyre laying me off or just reducing my hours to zero and keeping me on the payroll to make my life miserable. Either way the cash river will be reduced to a trickle come Oct. 6 and officially stop flowing by Halloween. This means I have one month to either land a Nuclear Medicine job in Los Angeles (which i have been trying to do for a year now) or im gonna start babysitting for a living. *double sigh*
Did i mention im sick? not the flu (thank God) just an annoying cough and feeling tired and shitty. Also i had an allergic reaction to my peppermint chapstick...yea lips got all puffy and blistery and they hurt like HELL. but now im almost fully healed so thats good. o and my contact has cut my eye again...wow im just in really horrendous physical condition. so there's that
the one good thing happening in my life right now is i met a boy. he's smart and funny and easy to get along with and isnt a total psychomaniac. and he aint too bad to look at if i say so myself. although honestly, i dont know if im ready to get back into the dating game so to speak. for a while now ive been wanting a relationship but after everything thats happened over this last year i think im ok with just NOT. like something fun and casual and drama free. though i totally fucked up last nite and ended up paying for our meal cause ex bf had me pay for everything and so by a horrible force of habit i reached for my wallet and threw my card on the table only to have it be super awkward so i was like "ill get it" and then it was more awkward....o well i used to be so good at dating...now i just suck. *sigh*
ok new concentration is finding a job. somehow the cash money has to keep coming in so goal for month of october (once i stop traveling everywhere) is to set up as many tutoring/babysitting gigs as possible while still looking for nuc med jobs...also i dont want to work mobile anymore. stupid idea, stupid work environment, just stupid. so to all u peeps out there who actually read my blog (which is no one) please wish me luck, ill need every little bit of it i can get.
Live ur Life, (even if it sucks)
Victoria Niles
Saturday, September 3, 2011
And I believed you.
I still recall the first time I met you. You told me I was the most beautiful thing you had seen in a really long time. And I believed you. I remember our first 7 hour long phone conversation when you told me I was like a princess because of my generosity and kindness. And I believed you. I remember the first time you made me cry because you said I was wasting your time. The first time you yelled at me and called me a slut. The first time you told me you were fucking other girls cause I wasn't "that" hot. And I believed you. I remember when you whispered in my ear that night that you wanted me to be your girlfriend and that you wanted to treat me like the princess I am. That you would take care of me and I would never have to work again. And I believed you. When you told me "you just wait til you move down to LA, you'll see." Said everything would be better, that we would be better. And I believed you. When you stopped picking up my phone calls because now that you could see me in person, you're like a spoiled child and didn't want to talk over the phone but wanted to physically see me. When you said we were moving too fast and should take things slow. When you finally called me your girlfriend and I asked if you were sure and you said yes. And I believed you. When you told me you were being an ass because you just wanted some TLC and to spend time with me and not because you wanted some bitch to make you a sandwich. Every time you've said "I miss you" and if I would be more romantic then you would be too. And I believed you. The first time you said "I love you," the first time you took it back, the second time you said "I love you" and when you said I really meant something to you. And I believed you. That night you called me crying saying how important I was, how special, that you loved me so much and how you didn't want to fuck it up. How you know what's best for us and to trust you, that after you got your life together you would give me all the time and attention I deserve and that you really want things to work out between us. And I believed you. Even when you told me I was weird, and creepy, and crazy. You said you truly cared for me and that you're here for me no matter what. After you've blown me off at least half a dozen times. After you've kicked me out of your house (less than 24 hours before me moving to LA and not having anywhere to stay). After countless nights of you so disgusted with my presence you refused to kiss me, hug me, or even touch me. After all the times I've paid for EVERYTHING and you have still yet to take me on a first date (though you promised). I still fucking believed you. You told me the other day that you haven't hooked up with any girls since we've been "not together". And I believed you. You told me yesterday that you're happy I'm going to SD and that it'll be good for me and that you hope I have fun. And I believed you. When you said you loved me like a sister. And I believed you.
When you said of course there's a chance we'll get back together. That you love me the same way I love you. That you're trying to make some money for "us." That you said you would kick your roommate out and we could live together. All those times you said how romantic you can be and how much fun we'll have and to just wait and I'll see. That you need "time" to think and that you "can't explain" why you're not into me, but you are, but you just can't have a girlfriend right now. And every single time you say "I love you." I don't believe you anymore. Because you said things would be better once I moved to LA. You said that things would be better if we take it slow. You said you would show me your generosity and love if I showed you mine. You said things would be better if I just gave you some time to get your life together. And what, hope that if/when you do that you'll still want me? And that if you want me you'll all of a sudden start treating me with the kind of love and respect I deserve and haven't been getting? Can I even hope that you won't hate me enough to still give me my money back? You say to trust you and wait and I'll see that you're right. That I'll be proud to have believed in you, that I'll be glad to have invested money in you, that it'll all work out and we'll be great. And I don't believe you.
I still remember standing in the shower in my neon pink paisley bikini, crying because you were leaving. And you looked at me and said "a year from now we could be in Aruba and this will all seem so silly and we won't even remember why we were fighting." Well, it's been 4 months since we've met. And for the first time I can honestly say. I don't believe you.
Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles
When you said of course there's a chance we'll get back together. That you love me the same way I love you. That you're trying to make some money for "us." That you said you would kick your roommate out and we could live together. All those times you said how romantic you can be and how much fun we'll have and to just wait and I'll see. That you need "time" to think and that you "can't explain" why you're not into me, but you are, but you just can't have a girlfriend right now. And every single time you say "I love you." I don't believe you anymore. Because you said things would be better once I moved to LA. You said that things would be better if we take it slow. You said you would show me your generosity and love if I showed you mine. You said things would be better if I just gave you some time to get your life together. And what, hope that if/when you do that you'll still want me? And that if you want me you'll all of a sudden start treating me with the kind of love and respect I deserve and haven't been getting? Can I even hope that you won't hate me enough to still give me my money back? You say to trust you and wait and I'll see that you're right. That I'll be proud to have believed in you, that I'll be glad to have invested money in you, that it'll all work out and we'll be great. And I don't believe you.
I still remember standing in the shower in my neon pink paisley bikini, crying because you were leaving. And you looked at me and said "a year from now we could be in Aruba and this will all seem so silly and we won't even remember why we were fighting." Well, it's been 4 months since we've met. And for the first time I can honestly say. I don't believe you.
Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles
Monday, August 29, 2011
my name is victoria niles and i am a lovaholic
Is this life? is this really what the universe entails for us? a life of suffering, of give and take, push and pull. moments of joy followed by moments of great sorrow. people die who deserve to live and people live who dont even deserve the sweet relief of death. my family are barely my friends and my friends are my only family. everything is so messed up im as confused as i was when i was a little girl. when i asked myself if this is really what life is do i want to be a part of it? everyday crying, everyday struggling and fighting for something better...only to find that "something better" is really nothing at all. i want love and peace and satisfaction in knowing that i have touched people and made their lives a little better. its almost martyrdom. like i feel the need to be in pain in order to make people happy. but what about me, doesn't anyone care if im happy. when am i gonna meet someone who will put me first, who values my happiness, who will bring a smile to my face. love is such a peculiar emotion. its portrayed as sweet, enveloping, warm, gentle yet passionate. but love is also portrayed as tragic, depressing, to be almost worse than death. i have felt the rays of love. i have felt that connection with someone who changes your life forever. footprints that can never be erased no matter how hard u try to forget them. they say its better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all. i dont know who "they" are but clearly they have not had the honor to have loved and lost. because anyone who tells u "im glad i loved him and he broke my heart, it was a great experience" is high off their ass...and i would like whatever it is that theyre taking. coming off love is like going through withdrawal. except theres no set time when the drugs are out of ur system. it just lingers and lingers and lingers until either you move on...or u dont. u want to move on just to end the suffering and the pain and so u can get through a workday without everyone at the hospital thinking ur mother just died. but on that same note u dont want to move on because that would mean losing any sort of connection you have/had with that person to begin with. remember when it was happy, when it was good, when the love covered you in a warm blanket like a towel fresh out of the drier. remember when nothing was wrong, and everything was fabulous because u were in love and all you need is love! remember when it hurt. remember the icy cold sting of rejection. remember when u realized that apparently u need a lot more than just love. that disney rose-colored tint is gone and all thats left is harsh reality. i remember when two people being together wasnt about money, or status, or societal pressure. u liked someone because u liked them. it didnt matter who they were, what they were. remember when we didnt see looks or color or economical niche. we just hung out with the people who made us happy, no pressure, no titles, no need to second guess their ulterior motives because the simple fact was they didnt have one.
i have loved and recently lost. he says he still loves me but im hard pressed to believe him. i feel that icy cold sting of rejection. i feel the need to crawl into a small dark space and cry until the hurt stops. i feel disappointed in love for letting me down. i feel betrayed by society for making me feel like true love can happen in an instant and last forever. i feel i dont want to be in a relationship, or get married, or be in love ever again because honestly i highly doubt it will be as awesome as i think it will be. i see couples who are in their 80's that have been together since high school and it makes me want to stab myself in the face and cry. thats like 70 years of being in love. can u imagine! no wonder theyre still alive and kickin! when i ask them whats their secret they tell me "i just couldnt imagine my life without him" followed by a "ur a sweet girl and very pretty. im sure ull be snatched up in a jiffy" and i have nothing to say so i smile. partially cause they used the word jiffy and also because i dont want to tell them that i highly doubt ill be "snatched up" anytime soon since apparently im not as awesome as i try to be.
*sigh* i REALLY thought i got it right this time. Really thought i had actually found that one person worth fighting for, waiting for, dying for. really thought he felt the same way about me. really thought we were gonna work and through all the pain it would bring us closer together. i even thought i found someone to love and accept me for who i am, just the way i am. as if i was good enough. just vivian. and i thought that our love would be enough to get us through anything. but i was wrong. he thinks im crazy, aggressive. he thinks i need to see a therapist (as if thatll fix anything) he says he loves me but cant deal with "situations like this" i would like to point out i was upset at him correcting me all the time and finally couldnt take it anymore so i lashed out at him. apparently this is an unforgivable offense and he thinks us being friends is the best thing for us. newsflash love of my life, we can and never will be "just friends" its too late. far too late. i do have a bad temper and when i lash out i can make grown men cry. its a defense mechanism i learned as a child. big bark, no bite. i have a high tolerance for bullshit but i cant do it anymore. he makes me so mad with his "it hurts me too" really, does it really, does it make u wanna crawl in a hole and die.im hurt im wounded i dont know what to do.
u know ppl tell me that everything will work out in the end. please tell me the end is near.
Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles
i have loved and recently lost. he says he still loves me but im hard pressed to believe him. i feel that icy cold sting of rejection. i feel the need to crawl into a small dark space and cry until the hurt stops. i feel disappointed in love for letting me down. i feel betrayed by society for making me feel like true love can happen in an instant and last forever. i feel i dont want to be in a relationship, or get married, or be in love ever again because honestly i highly doubt it will be as awesome as i think it will be. i see couples who are in their 80's that have been together since high school and it makes me want to stab myself in the face and cry. thats like 70 years of being in love. can u imagine! no wonder theyre still alive and kickin! when i ask them whats their secret they tell me "i just couldnt imagine my life without him" followed by a "ur a sweet girl and very pretty. im sure ull be snatched up in a jiffy" and i have nothing to say so i smile. partially cause they used the word jiffy and also because i dont want to tell them that i highly doubt ill be "snatched up" anytime soon since apparently im not as awesome as i try to be.
*sigh* i REALLY thought i got it right this time. Really thought i had actually found that one person worth fighting for, waiting for, dying for. really thought he felt the same way about me. really thought we were gonna work and through all the pain it would bring us closer together. i even thought i found someone to love and accept me for who i am, just the way i am. as if i was good enough. just vivian. and i thought that our love would be enough to get us through anything. but i was wrong. he thinks im crazy, aggressive. he thinks i need to see a therapist (as if thatll fix anything) he says he loves me but cant deal with "situations like this" i would like to point out i was upset at him correcting me all the time and finally couldnt take it anymore so i lashed out at him. apparently this is an unforgivable offense and he thinks us being friends is the best thing for us. newsflash love of my life, we can and never will be "just friends" its too late. far too late. i do have a bad temper and when i lash out i can make grown men cry. its a defense mechanism i learned as a child. big bark, no bite. i have a high tolerance for bullshit but i cant do it anymore. he makes me so mad with his "it hurts me too" really, does it really, does it make u wanna crawl in a hole and die.im hurt im wounded i dont know what to do.
u know ppl tell me that everything will work out in the end. please tell me the end is near.
Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles
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