its time

its amazing all that money can bring. clothes, shoes, hanbags, trips of a lifetime and sometimes even companionship. when everything is dark it brings the light, and when times are hard it brings relief. money seems like the answer to all life's problems. to be able to have the whole world at your fingertips, to do what u want, buy what u want, and go wherever u want. these are all the joys that i thought money would bring me...and yet no amount of high heels or sun filled vacations can fill this void in my life.
i find myself sitting still alone in my car in the dark. the familiar taste of tears on my tongue and the smell of sadness, no despair, fill my nostrils forcing its way into my brain bringing back floods of memories and feelings i thought were long gone. money would get me my own space, money would get me the friends i never had, money would make my mother proud, money would make me someone ppl would want to be around. if only i had a great job and an awesome degree, then people would startpaying attention to me. if only i could walk around with a title and a paycheck then the stench of failure would wash away. that feeling of worthlessness, hopelessness, almost self loathing. why cant i be prettier, sweeter, smarter. why is my smile never white enough, my hair never blonde enough, my height never tall enough, and my weight just never enough.
despite the job and the money, im still living under my mother's iron fist. still when i look up, the people i love are not there, still when i wake up i feel suffocated by my expectations and being unable to meet them. somehow its like i never grew up, never progressed. i jumped the nest so excited to finally stretch my wings and fly away, away to a new land of possibilities, freedom, and utter ecstasy. i open my eyes and instead im plummeting head first toward the earth. the ground is approaching quickly, and with each passing day i feel the pressure of my impending doom looming before me. it wont be long now before the floor and i become bffs. time to catch some air viv, before its too late.

bikers outside starbucks

I would like to start this post out with a few observations i had this morning.
1. waking up at 7:30am was surprisingly easier than i thought it would be considering i had to get my oil changed before mom got home or she'd chop my head off (death seems like a good motivator)
2. there is nothing that makes me giggle more inside than seeing an old biker gang (i mean american chopper style with leather chaps and vests with tassels and all) in  front of a livermore starbucks ... hehe
3. i really do love my bangs and they're easier to maintain than previously imagined.  guess i was just going to all the wrong ppl before beautiful nancy gave me my life-changing hair
4. i have a feeling what my "poor work performance" is gonna be next month, somehow boss lady is gonna find out how much i actually surf the internet while im at work...im sure this is a fire-able offense but im hoping she'll think im too sweet to fire?

Just applied to a job at the VA in loma linda.  wouldn't that be nice.  the government doesn't pay well, but they sure give u nice benefits and excellent job security....YAY we'll see, should apply to some more today too.

mom comes back tomorrow evening.  im not sure how much longer i can live like this.  i think i figured out why i have to take a vacation every month.  it gives me something to look forward to.  dont get me wrong its not that im not happy with my life here (i used to be but then i did something about it...WHAT) i have recently acquired some great friends who i can now confidently slide from the acquaintence to i would love to hang out with u anytime just tell me when and where.  also reconnected with some old ones (though someone seems to be too busy to see me! ahem..seany).  work is going well, i finally feel somewhat integrated into the department....seems like they like me enough and ive worked enough day shifts that ppl are comfortable with me now (including boss lady...who actually is a lot nicer to me that i initially assumed..shame on me for jumping to conclusions).  i have actually started saving (feels good to see that number go up in ur savings account...slowly...but increasing never the less).  mom and i are quarreling about once a month (which is a RECORD) i mean seriously think about...we can go 30 freakin days without killing each other...its never been this good and im sooooo happy it is, suppose i dont have to rethink her wedding invitation afterall. 

and now that the weather is warming up, my days seem a lot brighter (literally and figuratively) so why then, i must ask, am i still not satisfied?  Am i such an overachiever that i can never just be content with what i have?  what a horrible way to live...i think?  i was talking to neilda the other day (one of the ab fab members of the dream team and for sure gonna be one of my bridesmaids even against her will) and we were talking about how much we missed the dream team being together and missed each other and just missed us.  the team has fallen apart (aside from me, neilda, and erin) and we're in 3 different cities lol.  and u know the more i think about it the more i realize why college was so much fun.  work hard play hard...but not even just that it was all about progression.  everyday i learned something new, about myself, about my friends, about my major. everyday i had ample supply to quench my thirst for knowledge.  every week was about getting to the next, passing each midterm was another check off my list, every class was another accomplishment, and when i finally got to walk in june i felt like i had conquered the proverbial world and i was ready to solve bigger problems.  i mean if i can get my bachelors why not fix world hunger!  and now, as content and fulfilling my life is now i cant help but to feel there is a hole in my soul where there never was before.  i have a thirst for knowledge, a thirst for adventure, a thirst for LIFE that i cannot quench, and everyday i assure myself that i have it good and that im blessed and that someone in the universe really likes me because honestly i couldve turned out a lot worse (like 6 feet under for instance).  so how do i quench this thirst?  where is my fountain of youth?  the endless supply of mother nature's sweet libation that will forever make me feel as young and alive as the most dynamic parts of my childhood, young adulthood? 

and so ladies and gentlemen, im perfectly fine with my cpk style margarita pizza, but after ive had the real stuff, the stuff that feeds your soul, i am striving to go back to figurative italy to have just one more bite of sheer and utter bliss.

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles

Miami, Vegas, LA, Catalina...boys can suck it!

Hola folks, long time no talk!  The sun has finally decided to come out to play after weeks (literally weeks) of nonstop rain/wind/gloom/ugliness and im praying to the sun god right now.  Lot has happened since we last spoke.  I suppose we should start from the beginning...

Dates: so after a few first dates last last last weekend, its safe to say that i am no longer seeing any of these guys.  one of them was super sweet and nice but honestly no real connection. i texted him after i got back from miami with no response so im guessing he feels the same way. another guy i had great fun with and we clicked really well and i thought he was hella into me until this weekend when i decided to ignore my calls for 3 days even though we planned on hanging out.  here's my rule guy...if ur too busy to hang thats fine, just tell me that ur too busy to hang...my biggest pet peeve in the world is flakers, it is better to call and cancel than to not call and hope ive just forgotten about u.  because honestly i dont forget easily, so more likely than not i remembered that we're supposed to hang out and am more pissed at you for ignoring me than i would be if u cancelled.  so good job fucker cause if u ever wanna see me again u better have an amazing explanation for being such a douche.  last guy i also texted when i got back from miami and we exchanged a few msgs but it seems the trail has run cold...hhmm, im sure we'll encounter each other later seeing as we share friends but i feel like we've simply last interest?

Next thing i'd like to point out is my awesomely amazing vacation i have planned for april.  vegas for girlfriend's bday for 3 days, LA for 3 days to say hi to other girlies, and sailing for 3 days with boy. um hello be jealous!  im so freakin excited its kind of disgusting.  ive been wanting to go back to vegas ever since i went for halloween, its about time i put in another LA trip, miss those girlies...and um on a boat for 3 days with the only boy who doesn't seem to have screwed anything up just yet....im impressed lol

That being said, let's touch on miami.  1 week of utter bliss.  given vacationing with guys (albeit gay or not) is very different than traveling with girls.  for one, ive discovered that munchkin does not understand that i cant get ready in 10 min.  its called shower, blow-dry, curl, make-up, lotion, heels, etc etc etc.  towards the end of vacation he started giving me more time to get ready but uh...lets just say the hair/make up was not up to my standards for the nights we went out (luckily i was perfectly fine with not getting any ass so no harm done).  pretty much it was beach by day, party by night, with a little shopping and a lot of rock climbing thrown in between.  could not have planned (or not planned) it better myself.  Thanks munchkin for showing me around and playing fantastic host!  i even got a tan!  not very much though since i slathered myself in sunscreen for fear of developing melanoma but thats ok a healthy glow is way more attractive than dry leathery skin anyways.

Overall the month of March has been rather succesful, productive, and a little crazy.  now i am shopping for an amazing monkini swimsuite for REHAB in vegas (crazy pool party at the hard rock) and anything else i may wear in vegas/catalina....and if the sun keeps shining like this i am very much looking forward to the month of april (even though the fortune teller says i will suffer heartbreak...whatevs dude, nothing a little liquor cant solve).

Lastly i would like to point out i have succesfully been celibut since jan...we're going into 3.5 months now ppl go me!

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles

starbucks and boys and vacation, o my!

so starbucks is running this promotion today, tmrw and sat from 2-5pm if u buy a drink u get a free little treat....amazing, i will be at starbucks all 3 days lol.  that being said some interesting developments have occurred over the last few days. 

1. i  think one of my guys is a little too into me
2. i think another one of my guys is not into me at all
3. i think one of them thinks we're together (which makes me feel bad cause he really is a fantastic guy but i really am not feeling the relationship with him right now)
4. and yet another one has invited me away with him for a weekend...although i could be mistaken cause there could be a bunch of people going and im just delusional and under the impression itll be a nice romantic weekend for the 2 of us...yea gonna have to "probe" as one of my guy friends has put it or "ask him what u need to pack" as my mother would put it

aside from all that my package finally came from modcloth and i am thoroughly excited to be wearing both garments this weekend.  i would take the dress with me to miami except its black and white and has capped sleeves and miami just does not feel like a sleeved dress kind of environment to me lol...but who knows maybe ill bring it anyways ya never know.

officially i am at 126lbs...this also on the record means i have 6 lbs to go to be at my target weight....seeing as dieting alone is no longer working (pretty sure my body's natural weight is around 125) im going to have to start working out.  some people may think this is too skinny...im gonna argue and say that at 120lbs and 5' 4" i will have a bmi of 20 or 21 (can't remember) which is ideal for someone in shape. so there ya go folks...vivian is healthy right now but i could be IDEAL...how fantastic does that sound...also then i could say im at my college weight again and how many folks can say that post graduation.

mom comes home tuesday...gotta say i actually miss that woman...we've been getting along splendidly since i started making money and contributing to the household...all of a sudden im not an annoying parasite and its become more of a symbiotic relationship...yay!

this is a short one cause i have some flights to book and tix to buy...my pto better keep up with me cause i aint stopping any time soon!

Live ur Life (as fabulously as you can),
Victoria Niles

I believe today (a random Tuesday afternoon mind you) is a perfect time to update you and myself on my new year's resolutions.  in no apparent order (because let's be honest nobody remembers anything i say anyways including myself) we shall address each one and note the progress.

1. the first one i remember is reading a book each month...i did not read a book in febuary but considering i read 3 in january i think i should have a little leeway here.  however i am about to fly across the country next week so i believe reading a book is completely in order (maybs ill hit up border's big close-out sale and see if i can snag something awesome).

2. do not raise my voice at my mother.   alas i actually have been able to keep this one.  we had one fight last month when i really thought i was going to have to rip her head off but i kept my cool (sort of) and did not resort to yelling..just repeating my point over and over again in a stern and forceful tone...baby steps.  things between us have smoothed out a bit and considering how long we've been living together i say we have made leaps and bounds of improvement in our relationship..may the healing continue

3. do not have sex with a man unless we've been DATING for at least 2 months....strangely enough i have yet to break this one as well...that is not for lack of opportunity but saying no is surprisingly easier than i thought it would be.  here's the deal...i dont know if u know but I know that im an amazing catch with much more to offer a man than my feminine wiles.  therefore, it is a good weeding process for me to make him wait because it filters out the guys who do not care what else i have to offer other than my body...which is fine but they can go stick their dicks in someone else's vagina because i am so much more than just a hole to bang.  that being said...vivian has 3 dates this weekend...don't ask me how it happened and no im not leading anyone on (first dates, we're just talking!) but i can see how this will quickly head for a downward spiral...just like senior year at ucla...i had to move to fix that problem *sigh* well we'll see what happens!

4. i will not let a boy make me cry this year.  unfortunately this is not true.  though he has not directly made me cry (as in by anything he has said or done) it did bring tears to my eyes when i realized i may have been taken advantage of.  boys u need to know, when  u do things for a girl like take her out to breakfast after sex or inviting her over to watch a movie and then actually freakin watching the movie...we take these things to mean u actually have feelings for us.  so please dont "be nice" or "considerate"  be HONEST.  if u dont like us then dont do things to pretend show us that u care because then we both know that it was just a random hook up and not to get our hopes up because you dont give a crap about us anyway.  that being said everytime i think of this boy it makes me smile...then it makes me sad because i dont think he feels the same way about me as i have about him for YEARS...and i was drunk and dumb and succumbed to the temptation of falling for him all over again...and until i know exactly how he feels about me i'll never really be able to get over it.  then again part of me doesnt want to know because im afraid i wont like the answer.  boy if ur reading this do me a favor and just tell me how u feel cause im going crazy over here.

5. I will get my abs back...so just fyi i have been dieting for the last week and have successfully dropped about 3lbs.  this week will involve more intense dieting and hopefully another 3 lbs will go bye bye.  post miami viv will have to start some sort of work out schedule to get rid of the last 5 lbs (whether it involves running or something) because i no longer think dieting alone will help..great


6. I will break even by 3/31 and save 70% of every paycheck starting 4/1. i am happy to say i have totally paid my mom back in full, broke even and have just started saving 30/70. and im a WHOLE MONTH EARLY! go viv...ur amazing, we'll see if ur saving habits can carry through miami

7. I will find a job in la or nyc, officially i have applied to 5 jobs and am applying to a couple more today...i really need to pick up the slack on this cause 5-8 jobs in 2 months is absolutely not enough.

8. I will save 1 day a week to myself. ok so ive been kinda dropping the ball on this one..the weekend is pretty much booked everyday from fri night through monday morning cause im hanging with friends...and the last couple weeks i have been working full days everyday.  but soon i will have a week of vaca so yay!

9. I will visit la at least 2 more times this year. i am planning an la trip in april....so socalers...watch out!
10. I will not give into the temptation of drink. haha so funny story about this one...i have not drank when i felt like i could use a drink...thats not to say i havent been clubbing and drinking a ton while out haha...however i have not been sloppy drunk since ive made this decision so baby steps..props to me

There you have it...now we're all officially caught up.  another recap will probably happen in a few months but next weeks posting will probably be about the dates this weekend and SPRING BREAK!
 
Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles

hello world! true to form i have yet again neglected my bloggingness for the last 3 weeks HOWEVER that is not to say that life has not been absolutely interesting. let me catch up

feb week 1- i have just returned from nyc and am officially off probation! this means im totally a legit worker at SDMC and they can't just fire me cause i suck i have to really f up totally. yay! validation! credibility! legitness! in addition to my awesomeness, feb 3 was the official lunar new year...and its the year of the rabbit this year, go 87! so at this point im in full belief that 2011 will be my year and that i am totally gonna rock all that shit...also im not sure if i mentioned this before but boy from la has proposed that we go on a trip to the motherland together (or mother-island).  i am not sure if he's being serious or not, and either way im not sure how i feel about it anyways. i REALLY like this guy...however trips are things reserved for couples...right?

feb week 2- this whole week was pretty much gearing up for the crazy weekend pre v-day.  feb 12 i babysat the twins ALL DAY and lets just say they were not happy campers.  there was some nonsense about necklaces and not being able to share things and so and so is crying because so and so hit them and blah blah blah.  what i learned from this saturday is that i have a surprisingly high tolerance for children's insufferable behavior. good/bad?  feb 13 i tutored all day. thats right folks, 2 three year olds on saturday, and 5 teenagers on sunday....GO VIV.  after tutoring i proceed to drive 1.25 hrs across the bay to leave my car at the hospital where my friends picks me up and we join his friends at rubyskye in the city.  yay clubbing (electronica music so not really my scene but hafta admit it was good).  got back to the car around 3:30am and crashed for a couple hours in a sleeping bag in the back of the stang.  v-day, i went to work the 7am shift at the hospital. lets just say it was a fairly full day of hung overness, a million patients, and no lunch...move on.

feb week 3- i text boy from la on vday saying happy vday and then followed up the next day with an "im disappointed i received no reply" to which i pick up a phone call from him saying he's been meaning to call but got busy (just in case u read this boy....ITS OK i wasn't expecting u to call so don't feel bad for not, just wishful thinking).  I then hear that he is coming to the Bay Area at the end of feb....thinking i had a month to get my bikini bod ready for miami i now realize bikini bod must be ready when he gets here...in 2 weeks. fml  friday night i go clubbing with guys from east bay to the city.  boy i had been kinda fooling around with came too and it was the first time i had seen him since my bday, the last time we hooked up.  we talked briefly (while intoxicated) about the issue and decided there wasnt one and moved on....yay no drama!  then oddly enough i chose not to hook up with him (i actually think this is the first time i said no since we started actually hooking up)...go me?  on saturday mom and i hit up the chinese new year festival in sf and cause we couldn't get an appointment with the fortune teller had to go back again on sunday.  sat night went to hang out with people i went clubbing with at rubyskye last weekend.  fun fun times, always have a great time hanging with those people and im convinced i fit in much better with them than the other group of guys i hang with.  lemme tell u what the fortune teller said...

prospects for 2011.
feb- lazy, relaxed, lucky (ok so far...pretty true)
march- travel, falling in love with a married man, and some other stuff i cant remember (i am going to miami)
april- heartbreak, poor work performance possibly leading to my being fired....awesome
may- forced to look for a new job (prbly due to my recent release), new boy (always a new boy)
june- month of romance, happiness, and good job performance (at least i won't be unemployed long)
july- heartbreak, turmoil, and some other stuff i again can't remember
august- actually...cant remember what he said for aug...prbly another boy
sept- travel to see my grandma in hk...i dont know why, havent seen the lady in like 4 years...
oct, nov, dec can't remember (it's all written somewhere so i'll look it up later)

when i asked him if 2012 would be any better he looked at his sheet and just said....NO NO NO NO NO....2012 ALL CHAOS! when i asked him if i'd have a bf he said...o yes definitely have a bf...definitely he will betray you and break your heart.  he then proceeds to tell me, but after 2012 all smooth sailing, you will get married and have children and your husband will take care of u and u will live happily ever after.....o and he predicts ill marry a foreigner (not chinese), most likely a caucasian....

OK GUY SERIOUSLY!!!!!! i may not even live to 2013 at this rate let alone happily ever never! he told me there are too many boys in my life and that i fall in love really easily and that i drink too much and that i never really liked studying i just like to socialize.  even though that's totally true, what am i supposed to do go live in a nunnery? *sigh* fabulous...i was really hoping id be over all the boy and job bullshit for a while BUT i guess the worst has just begun....absolutely fabulous.

well fine universe...f me over then, break my heart, fire me from my job, force me to move when im not ready....BRING IT ON! cause u know what, there ain't nothin uve thrown at me that i have not totally gotten through better on the other side for...so the gauntlet has been thrown and i pick it up to accept ur challenge.

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles

Eating Wax

True to form i have neglected my blogging duties for 2 weeks now.  not for lack of good reason, i have been relatively busy and yet not really busy at all...i believe the word for that is bored. as far as resolutions go i have already broken 1 and almost killed myself in an attempt to not break another.  im sure those who know me can guess which ones. i have a most hilarious story for this week's entry that will completely sum up how i feel about myself.


last night i was having a dream (like i do almost every night which i blame on an overactive imagination and a refusal to grow up) when i decided to eat a neutral, brown colored gummy life saver.  dont ask me where this candy came from or why there wasnt more but there is good reason they never produced this color cause it tasted awful.  not even just bad it was bland, like eating rubber.  well you know how in a dream you go through the motions but your senses are sometimes dulled.  as i continued to eat this life saver and chew and chew and chew and all the while coming to the conclusion that this really tasted awful, i began to reject my dream so much that the disgust in my taste actually woke me up.  as i began to wake up i realized that i was indeed chewing something and that it indeed tasted worse than in my dream.  about 2 seconds later i realized i was chewing on one of my wax ear plugs that i had put in prior to going to bed since i sleep in the living room and it is impossible to get a good night's sleep without the aid of audio blocking devices.  i sprung out of bed ran to the bathroom, spit it out and rinsed out my mouth.  in utter horror i proceeded to go back to sleep but once i awoke again went through the rest of my day still able to taste and feel the waxy chewed up bits of grossness lingering in my mouth.

needless to say i was traumatized by this event and told my mother.  when she asked why i subconsciously ate one of my ear plugs i told her "because i am so unhappy with my life right now that i have decided eating wax would be a tangible equivalent to how i feel."  so there you have it folks, 2011, the year of the rabbit...MY YEAR is as predicted sucking horribly.  according to mother this is the year for me to lay low since i will be having rather rotten luck.  holy snot it's been 5 days....360 to go, lord have mercy.

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles