" happy new year to you too! can't wait to spend it with you. xo! ps come back to my coast please!" from ex-girlfriend to best friend. I read the words like there were on fire. I immediately felt an overwhelming sense of shock and awe and before i knew it forgot how to breathe. as i read this facebook post over and over again the only thing i could think of was " i am a motherfucking idiot" could it be? could i be the other woman yet again? had he been vomiting all the same words to her as he was to me? telling her she was special, that she was perfect. the whole time he's telling me that she's annoying and they fight all the time and he doesnt want to be with her. does he say that about me to her? was that whole week just a fling to him? so he could get laid and his dick sucked while he was on the west coast? different hoes in different area codes. my mind raced. he told me he only talked to her once since we started talking and that they didnt do anything. for the last 1.5 months since we hooked up over thanksgiving that i was the only girl he had even kissed. was i stupid to believe him? he's my best friend, my twin, he's never lied to me in our lives. he told me he liked me since he was 12. was that a lie? was EVERYTHING A TOTAL BULLSHIT CRAPSHOOT LIE! i dont know what to think. and the lack of oxygen reaching my brain was not helping. i start hyperventilating. i get up and stagger to the bathroom and grab the sink handles. i think im going to vomit, or collapse, or both. i start crying, i start screaming. i was willing to be his friend. i thought he was confused. just a few days ago i said that i would be there for him in his time of need. he played me. he played me good. maybe he did like me. then he stopped liking me after i hurt him in boston so many years ago. and he saw my weakness after my last break up as a perfect opportunity to swoop in and break me. that is what i am. just broken. what do you do when the man you're falling for stabs you in the back. what do you do when that man is also the one who is supposed to pick you up. you just fall, bleeding, hitting the ground hard and laying there getting colder and colder bleeding to fucking death. i cant believe he played me. he would say now that im jumping to conclusions. he leaves me no choice. he wont talk to me, wont pick up the phone, wont return my calls. if he wont tell me what is going on i have no choice but to conclude myself. i pick up the phone to call him, still crying and it goes straight to voicemail. i call again...voicemail. i call my best girlfriend and she doesnt pick up. i cry. i scream. how is this happening to me? HOOOOWWW is this possible? how can someone you've known your whole life spew such nonsense only to take it all back the moment shit gets real. well its real. reality is your best friends dont love you, dont trust anyone even your own family, and ill end up alone with a bunch of cats dying from being allergic to their hair. i look at the facebook post again. "xo" fuck you bitch he hates you. or maybe he hates me too. "cant wait to spend it with you" what do you mean with you he spent both holidays and a whole week with me this month! fuck her, fuck him, fuck everyone. i am going to live in a hole in my apartment. i dont want to date. i dont want to get back out there. guys are assholes. cant even trust someone you grew up with as kids to not just follow his dick and say hey this is an opportunity to fuck my best friend that i cant pass up cause itd be a great story. my bros and i will laugh about this later when i got both these girls hearts on a string waiting for me. fuck you. im not waiting for shit. you can just cut my heart off that string. my heart belongs to no one. i dont have one left. im done giving, done caring, done loving. i check facebook again and it says he's eating dinner with his mom and one of his friends. and while he's munching on bread and having merry conversation he has no idea the darkness ive descended into nor does he ask or care. so go on, eat, drink, be merry. one of us has to, and i guess its too much to ask for it to be me.