Semi-annual New Year's Resolution update

1. I will get my abs back...so help me god I will look amazing damn it!
ok so i have successfully not lost or gained any weight since jan lol...though goal this summer is to work out 3 times a week on mon, wed, fri...since i had class this morning, first workout will be friday...and i will look amazing for swim suit season

2. I will swear to celibacy (before u freak out and think im a reformed sinner let me clarify).  I will ONLY have sex with a guy if and only if we are actually dating.  Dating is qualified as 2 months of continual contact, dates, and actual feelings for each other.  SOOO for all you users out there (and deep down you know who you are) sorry but these legs are CLOSED.
so this has worked sort of.  currently dating a guy (slept with him after about a month) but he lives in LA so that means we "hang out" but only via phone...except for the one week he was up here...long story short it has been a tumultuous adventure that im hoping will end with us falling in love and living happily ever after...mostly cause im already starting to fall for him and im gonna have some serious egg on my face if this doesnt work out....*sigh* why can we all just get along come on now

3.  I will break even by 3/31 and save 70% of every paycheck starting 4/1. lord help me
Actually doing really well with this one, i have only had to "break into my savings" once this year for like $300 bucks...thats nothing! now that ive saved enough the new goal will be to invest the money into stocks and work on buying a new laptop cause this thing is a piece of doo doo

4. I will find a job in la or nyc...i will be picky and i will not settle for anything less than im worth.
ok job hunt is not going well at all...however i read a book about finding jobs in los angeles and have my work cut out for me...for the summer im going to be establishing direct contact with the heads of department for every facility i want to work in regardless of job availability...get them to know who i am so that when a job does become available they cant say theyve never heard of me.

5. I will save 1 day a week to myself.  That means no friends, no family, no nobody.  Just vivian, the sunshine, a cup of java and maybe a trip to the mall.
ok this was working up until last month lol. with all my vacations and babysitting on saturdays and ap testing i havent had a day to myself in a while...but i scheduled them this summer to be saturday and i dont have tutoring anymore so maybe ill get the whole weekend off! *GASP*

6.  I will start reading for pleasure again.  I miss it, so in an effort to culture myself I will read 1 book a month for the rest of the year.
The only month i have missed so far is may (im still about 50 pages from the end of my book) its only cause ive been busy! but i swear im gonna finish that and reading for june will be Picture of Dorian Gray which i heard is scary, depressing, and fabulous...im so excited!

7.  I will visit la at least 2 more times this year.  Friends are as important as family and should be treated as such, especially since yall are so darn close.
well i just went to la haha...so that is twice that ive been there this year so far and im going again next weekend so that hits my quota! and lets be honest ill probably be down there for july 4 but we'll see.

8.  I will not...REPEAT WILL NOT..let a boy make me cry this year.  I am totally awesome and as Aneea would say should never compromise myself.
ok i totally f-ed this one up. i have definitely let a boy make me cry this year. its so easy to pretend you dont care until you do and then all of a sudden the tables are turned and ur doing everything in ur power to not f up which of course is making u f up more...ugh i have not felt this helpless since the last time i got my heart crushed, i guess the only time ive gotten my heart crushed..what a traumatic event...not gonna let it slow me down, gotta tell this guy exactly what i want and how i feel and he can take it or leave it but at least i can say that i gave it everything i got.

9.  I will not give into the temptation of drink.  Everytime I think to myself "wow I could use a drink" I will put my glass down.  Drinking should be for pleasure not for relief. (although I fully believe I have lots to drink for)
have been GREAT i repeat FANTASTIC with this one.  have yet to throw up this year, yet to drink due to sorrow, and really have not been that drunk in any situation (except at rehab in vegas but lets be honest no one was sad at that pool party haha) i like this rule i think i may keep it forever.

10.  And lastly, I will not raise my voice at my mother this year.  That's right, you heard it hear first.  Knowing me this will be by far the hardest "resolution" for me to keep, but possibly the most important.  Fact: I love my mother.  Fact: She is a crazy bitch.  Fact: My mother loves me.  Fact: I will treat her like someone who loves me, not a crazy bitch (even though she is one...let's just reiterate that)
ok fact...mom is a crazy bitch who deserves to be yelled at.  ive only raised my voice a couple times but have never actually full on yelled at her..usually by the time i get that mad i just leave the apartment (which i have done several times) or she kicks me out....basically she told me the other day that she hates me so much and that i need to move out cause she cant live "like this" when i told her to specify she just stated "like this" yea...time to get out of dodge cause living with her has put a permanent cloud over my head and ice in my heart.

please give me strength to fall

i was once asked, "how do u miss someone uve never hung out with?" have u ever met a person who instantaneously impessed u. whether it be with their smile, their demeanor, their words. one moment ur perfectly satisfied that there are no more interesting ppl in the world other than the ones u already know and then out of nowhere comes an indvidual who seems most intrigueing. and as u begin to talk all of a sudden u feel like their filling spaces of ur soul. spaces until then, u were convinced no longer existed (or simply ones u didnt know existed at all).  now normally when u miss someone its because u miss the time u spent together or the  fun things u used to do. but when u miss someone uve never hung out with its the strangest feeling. its like ur life is perfectly fine the way it is and then u realize ur missing something u never knew was there. i suppose thats what ppl mean when they say u find someone and u wonder how u ever lived without them. in short i met a man a little bit ago who has for lack of a better phrase, turned my world upside down. never have i met an individual so infuriating and yet irresistably charming. and i find myself asking why...why am i so into this guy if sometimes he makes me so upset. those who know me know that not that many ppl throw me off kilter. i have confidence in myself and know just how awesome i am. (not to sound too cocky). and i figured it out,ppl normally dont frusrate me because honestly i dont really care for their approval. whats frustrating is ive become so intoxicated with the desire for this guy that i find myself doing everything in my power to ensure his affection. its ctually changing who i am and now i fear in my endeavor ive actually screwed my chances of winning him over. ive been asking the cosmos to give me the strength to fall in love again, and here i am at the edge of a cliff with the potential of falling into eternal bliss and happiness and a golden freakin lake of love and something is holding me back. i am so terrified of stepping off into the abyss only to discover theres nothing but dirt at the bottom.  i am scared to death that im gonna fall in love with him and he is going to decide that i wasnt what he wanted, or worse that he could do better. ive had bfs in the past but i was always in control of my emotions. the one time i decided t let go i was dropped on my ass and it has taken me years to emotionally fully recover. and i honestly dont think i could be betrayed like that again and live to see another day.
in short i really really want to fall into ur arms but i am scared shitless u wont be there to catch me. so please be patient with me and please will someone please give me a push. i am falling for u, i just need the courage and reassurance to let go. <3

its time

its amazing all that money can bring. clothes, shoes, hanbags, trips of a lifetime and sometimes even companionship. when everything is dark it brings the light, and when times are hard it brings relief. money seems like the answer to all life's problems. to be able to have the whole world at your fingertips, to do what u want, buy what u want, and go wherever u want. these are all the joys that i thought money would bring me...and yet no amount of high heels or sun filled vacations can fill this void in my life.
i find myself sitting still alone in my car in the dark. the familiar taste of tears on my tongue and the smell of sadness, no despair, fill my nostrils forcing its way into my brain bringing back floods of memories and feelings i thought were long gone. money would get me my own space, money would get me the friends i never had, money would make my mother proud, money would make me someone ppl would want to be around. if only i had a great job and an awesome degree, then people would startpaying attention to me. if only i could walk around with a title and a paycheck then the stench of failure would wash away. that feeling of worthlessness, hopelessness, almost self loathing. why cant i be prettier, sweeter, smarter. why is my smile never white enough, my hair never blonde enough, my height never tall enough, and my weight just never enough.
despite the job and the money, im still living under my mother's iron fist. still when i look up, the people i love are not there, still when i wake up i feel suffocated by my expectations and being unable to meet them. somehow its like i never grew up, never progressed. i jumped the nest so excited to finally stretch my wings and fly away, away to a new land of possibilities, freedom, and utter ecstasy. i open my eyes and instead im plummeting head first toward the earth. the ground is approaching quickly, and with each passing day i feel the pressure of my impending doom looming before me. it wont be long now before the floor and i become bffs. time to catch some air viv, before its too late.

bikers outside starbucks

I would like to start this post out with a few observations i had this morning.
1. waking up at 7:30am was surprisingly easier than i thought it would be considering i had to get my oil changed before mom got home or she'd chop my head off (death seems like a good motivator)
2. there is nothing that makes me giggle more inside than seeing an old biker gang (i mean american chopper style with leather chaps and vests with tassels and all) in  front of a livermore starbucks ... hehe
3. i really do love my bangs and they're easier to maintain than previously imagined.  guess i was just going to all the wrong ppl before beautiful nancy gave me my life-changing hair
4. i have a feeling what my "poor work performance" is gonna be next month, somehow boss lady is gonna find out how much i actually surf the internet while im at work...im sure this is a fire-able offense but im hoping she'll think im too sweet to fire?

Just applied to a job at the VA in loma linda.  wouldn't that be nice.  the government doesn't pay well, but they sure give u nice benefits and excellent job security....YAY we'll see, should apply to some more today too.

mom comes back tomorrow evening.  im not sure how much longer i can live like this.  i think i figured out why i have to take a vacation every month.  it gives me something to look forward to.  dont get me wrong its not that im not happy with my life here (i used to be but then i did something about it...WHAT) i have recently acquired some great friends who i can now confidently slide from the acquaintence to i would love to hang out with u anytime just tell me when and where.  also reconnected with some old ones (though someone seems to be too busy to see me! ahem..seany).  work is going well, i finally feel somewhat integrated into the department....seems like they like me enough and ive worked enough day shifts that ppl are comfortable with me now (including boss lady...who actually is a lot nicer to me that i initially assumed..shame on me for jumping to conclusions).  i have actually started saving (feels good to see that number go up in ur savings account...slowly...but increasing never the less).  mom and i are quarreling about once a month (which is a RECORD) i mean seriously think about...we can go 30 freakin days without killing each other...its never been this good and im sooooo happy it is, suppose i dont have to rethink her wedding invitation afterall. 

and now that the weather is warming up, my days seem a lot brighter (literally and figuratively) so why then, i must ask, am i still not satisfied?  Am i such an overachiever that i can never just be content with what i have?  what a horrible way to live...i think?  i was talking to neilda the other day (one of the ab fab members of the dream team and for sure gonna be one of my bridesmaids even against her will) and we were talking about how much we missed the dream team being together and missed each other and just missed us.  the team has fallen apart (aside from me, neilda, and erin) and we're in 3 different cities lol.  and u know the more i think about it the more i realize why college was so much fun.  work hard play hard...but not even just that it was all about progression.  everyday i learned something new, about myself, about my friends, about my major. everyday i had ample supply to quench my thirst for knowledge.  every week was about getting to the next, passing each midterm was another check off my list, every class was another accomplishment, and when i finally got to walk in june i felt like i had conquered the proverbial world and i was ready to solve bigger problems.  i mean if i can get my bachelors why not fix world hunger!  and now, as content and fulfilling my life is now i cant help but to feel there is a hole in my soul where there never was before.  i have a thirst for knowledge, a thirst for adventure, a thirst for LIFE that i cannot quench, and everyday i assure myself that i have it good and that im blessed and that someone in the universe really likes me because honestly i couldve turned out a lot worse (like 6 feet under for instance).  so how do i quench this thirst?  where is my fountain of youth?  the endless supply of mother nature's sweet libation that will forever make me feel as young and alive as the most dynamic parts of my childhood, young adulthood? 

and so ladies and gentlemen, im perfectly fine with my cpk style margarita pizza, but after ive had the real stuff, the stuff that feeds your soul, i am striving to go back to figurative italy to have just one more bite of sheer and utter bliss.

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles

Miami, Vegas, LA, Catalina...boys can suck it!

Hola folks, long time no talk!  The sun has finally decided to come out to play after weeks (literally weeks) of nonstop rain/wind/gloom/ugliness and im praying to the sun god right now.  Lot has happened since we last spoke.  I suppose we should start from the beginning...

Dates: so after a few first dates last last last weekend, its safe to say that i am no longer seeing any of these guys.  one of them was super sweet and nice but honestly no real connection. i texted him after i got back from miami with no response so im guessing he feels the same way. another guy i had great fun with and we clicked really well and i thought he was hella into me until this weekend when i decided to ignore my calls for 3 days even though we planned on hanging out.  here's my rule guy...if ur too busy to hang thats fine, just tell me that ur too busy to hang...my biggest pet peeve in the world is flakers, it is better to call and cancel than to not call and hope ive just forgotten about u.  because honestly i dont forget easily, so more likely than not i remembered that we're supposed to hang out and am more pissed at you for ignoring me than i would be if u cancelled.  so good job fucker cause if u ever wanna see me again u better have an amazing explanation for being such a douche.  last guy i also texted when i got back from miami and we exchanged a few msgs but it seems the trail has run cold...hhmm, im sure we'll encounter each other later seeing as we share friends but i feel like we've simply last interest?

Next thing i'd like to point out is my awesomely amazing vacation i have planned for april.  vegas for girlfriend's bday for 3 days, LA for 3 days to say hi to other girlies, and sailing for 3 days with boy. um hello be jealous!  im so freakin excited its kind of disgusting.  ive been wanting to go back to vegas ever since i went for halloween, its about time i put in another LA trip, miss those girlies...and um on a boat for 3 days with the only boy who doesn't seem to have screwed anything up just yet....im impressed lol

That being said, let's touch on miami.  1 week of utter bliss.  given vacationing with guys (albeit gay or not) is very different than traveling with girls.  for one, ive discovered that munchkin does not understand that i cant get ready in 10 min.  its called shower, blow-dry, curl, make-up, lotion, heels, etc etc etc.  towards the end of vacation he started giving me more time to get ready but uh...lets just say the hair/make up was not up to my standards for the nights we went out (luckily i was perfectly fine with not getting any ass so no harm done).  pretty much it was beach by day, party by night, with a little shopping and a lot of rock climbing thrown in between.  could not have planned (or not planned) it better myself.  Thanks munchkin for showing me around and playing fantastic host!  i even got a tan!  not very much though since i slathered myself in sunscreen for fear of developing melanoma but thats ok a healthy glow is way more attractive than dry leathery skin anyways.

Overall the month of March has been rather succesful, productive, and a little crazy.  now i am shopping for an amazing monkini swimsuite for REHAB in vegas (crazy pool party at the hard rock) and anything else i may wear in vegas/catalina....and if the sun keeps shining like this i am very much looking forward to the month of april (even though the fortune teller says i will suffer heartbreak...whatevs dude, nothing a little liquor cant solve).

Lastly i would like to point out i have succesfully been celibut since jan...we're going into 3.5 months now ppl go me!

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles

starbucks and boys and vacation, o my!

so starbucks is running this promotion today, tmrw and sat from 2-5pm if u buy a drink u get a free little treat....amazing, i will be at starbucks all 3 days lol.  that being said some interesting developments have occurred over the last few days. 

1. i  think one of my guys is a little too into me
2. i think another one of my guys is not into me at all
3. i think one of them thinks we're together (which makes me feel bad cause he really is a fantastic guy but i really am not feeling the relationship with him right now)
4. and yet another one has invited me away with him for a weekend...although i could be mistaken cause there could be a bunch of people going and im just delusional and under the impression itll be a nice romantic weekend for the 2 of us...yea gonna have to "probe" as one of my guy friends has put it or "ask him what u need to pack" as my mother would put it

aside from all that my package finally came from modcloth and i am thoroughly excited to be wearing both garments this weekend.  i would take the dress with me to miami except its black and white and has capped sleeves and miami just does not feel like a sleeved dress kind of environment to me lol...but who knows maybe ill bring it anyways ya never know.

officially i am at 126lbs...this also on the record means i have 6 lbs to go to be at my target weight....seeing as dieting alone is no longer working (pretty sure my body's natural weight is around 125) im going to have to start working out.  some people may think this is too skinny...im gonna argue and say that at 120lbs and 5' 4" i will have a bmi of 20 or 21 (can't remember) which is ideal for someone in shape. so there ya go folks...vivian is healthy right now but i could be IDEAL...how fantastic does that sound...also then i could say im at my college weight again and how many folks can say that post graduation.

mom comes home tuesday...gotta say i actually miss that woman...we've been getting along splendidly since i started making money and contributing to the household...all of a sudden im not an annoying parasite and its become more of a symbiotic relationship...yay!

this is a short one cause i have some flights to book and tix to buy...my pto better keep up with me cause i aint stopping any time soon!

Live ur Life (as fabulously as you can),
Victoria Niles

I believe today (a random Tuesday afternoon mind you) is a perfect time to update you and myself on my new year's resolutions.  in no apparent order (because let's be honest nobody remembers anything i say anyways including myself) we shall address each one and note the progress.

1. the first one i remember is reading a book each month...i did not read a book in febuary but considering i read 3 in january i think i should have a little leeway here.  however i am about to fly across the country next week so i believe reading a book is completely in order (maybs ill hit up border's big close-out sale and see if i can snag something awesome).

2. do not raise my voice at my mother.   alas i actually have been able to keep this one.  we had one fight last month when i really thought i was going to have to rip her head off but i kept my cool (sort of) and did not resort to yelling..just repeating my point over and over again in a stern and forceful tone...baby steps.  things between us have smoothed out a bit and considering how long we've been living together i say we have made leaps and bounds of improvement in our relationship..may the healing continue

3. do not have sex with a man unless we've been DATING for at least 2 months....strangely enough i have yet to break this one as well...that is not for lack of opportunity but saying no is surprisingly easier than i thought it would be.  here's the deal...i dont know if u know but I know that im an amazing catch with much more to offer a man than my feminine wiles.  therefore, it is a good weeding process for me to make him wait because it filters out the guys who do not care what else i have to offer other than my body...which is fine but they can go stick their dicks in someone else's vagina because i am so much more than just a hole to bang.  that being said...vivian has 3 dates this weekend...don't ask me how it happened and no im not leading anyone on (first dates, we're just talking!) but i can see how this will quickly head for a downward spiral...just like senior year at ucla...i had to move to fix that problem *sigh* well we'll see what happens!

4. i will not let a boy make me cry this year.  unfortunately this is not true.  though he has not directly made me cry (as in by anything he has said or done) it did bring tears to my eyes when i realized i may have been taken advantage of.  boys u need to know, when  u do things for a girl like take her out to breakfast after sex or inviting her over to watch a movie and then actually freakin watching the movie...we take these things to mean u actually have feelings for us.  so please dont "be nice" or "considerate"  be HONEST.  if u dont like us then dont do things to pretend show us that u care because then we both know that it was just a random hook up and not to get our hopes up because you dont give a crap about us anyway.  that being said everytime i think of this boy it makes me smile...then it makes me sad because i dont think he feels the same way about me as i have about him for YEARS...and i was drunk and dumb and succumbed to the temptation of falling for him all over again...and until i know exactly how he feels about me i'll never really be able to get over it.  then again part of me doesnt want to know because im afraid i wont like the answer.  boy if ur reading this do me a favor and just tell me how u feel cause im going crazy over here.

5. I will get my abs back...so just fyi i have been dieting for the last week and have successfully dropped about 3lbs.  this week will involve more intense dieting and hopefully another 3 lbs will go bye bye.  post miami viv will have to start some sort of work out schedule to get rid of the last 5 lbs (whether it involves running or something) because i no longer think dieting alone will help..great


6. I will break even by 3/31 and save 70% of every paycheck starting 4/1. i am happy to say i have totally paid my mom back in full, broke even and have just started saving 30/70. and im a WHOLE MONTH EARLY! go viv...ur amazing, we'll see if ur saving habits can carry through miami

7. I will find a job in la or nyc, officially i have applied to 5 jobs and am applying to a couple more today...i really need to pick up the slack on this cause 5-8 jobs in 2 months is absolutely not enough.

8. I will save 1 day a week to myself. ok so ive been kinda dropping the ball on this one..the weekend is pretty much booked everyday from fri night through monday morning cause im hanging with friends...and the last couple weeks i have been working full days everyday.  but soon i will have a week of vaca so yay!

9. I will visit la at least 2 more times this year. i am planning an la trip in april....so socalers...watch out!
10. I will not give into the temptation of drink. haha so funny story about this one...i have not drank when i felt like i could use a drink...thats not to say i havent been clubbing and drinking a ton while out haha...however i have not been sloppy drunk since ive made this decision so baby steps..props to me

There you have it...now we're all officially caught up.  another recap will probably happen in a few months but next weeks posting will probably be about the dates this weekend and SPRING BREAK!
 
Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles