Why wait?

It's been a while hasn't it. I see the last post I made was about a man. He ended up marrying his rebound and I ended up finding someone else too. And while he is blissfully happy living a life that I am glad to not be a part of, I am still...to this day...unhappy. Weirdly there is nothing in my life to be unhappy about. I have a super awesome career that is both rewarding and pays well. I have a wonderful boyfriend who treats me like a queen. I have loving friends, I have since repaired the broken relationship with my mother, and all seems to be going wonderfully. I also have adopted a puppy in the last couple years, one who is sitting beside me as I type right now.  But despite all this, despite the joyous things in my life and the monumental progress I have made in therapy...I am unhappy.  Let me go back a minute.

Last year I met a boy. Not just any boy. The boy I dreamt about when I was younger.  Prince Charming if you will.  He was handsome, fit, intelligent, successful, liked the same things I did, and was always down for whatever adventures I came up with.  All my friends were happy for me and dare I say slightly jealous.  This guy was sheer perfection.  We never argued, never got upset, I never raised my voice once during our entire 6 month relationship.  He was perfect, I was perfect, and together we were perfect.  I had never met anyone like him in my life and I was 100% sure we were going to get married within the year.  I had never been more sure of anything in my life. Knew it in my bones.  He made me want to be a better person.  I was a better person. I was finally the kind of partner I have always wanted to be. Kind, patient, understanding.  Even my coworkers said I was literally GLOWING.

Six months later my dream came to an end.  He stopped speaking to me after our separate but equally timed trips to europe.  After bout 3 weeks he agreed to come with me to my frien'ds bday party then the next morning he told me he was unhappy and didn't want to see me anymore. No why, no how long, he even said we may get back together when he is in a better place in 6 months.  I wonder how that was going to work out seeing as he moved to Colorado 3 months later.  I always wondered why he left. As far as I could tell I was floating along in blissful happiness and eternal sunshine. And then one day, it was as if someone stopped the music and turned on all the house lights. And just like that everyone scattered and the party was over and I was left on the dance floor alone and looking like a fool.  I was hurt...so fucking hurt...confused...id say i even had some PTSD from this trauma.  It took me a year to feel fully normal again. To feel like myself again.  To feel like I wasn't just goin through day by day waking up and going to sleep hoping it was all going to end.  A year of no dating apps, no nothing...Just me trying to love me again.

And then I met you.  My wonderful boyfriend. It was absolute bliss during May and July.  So much so in fact you asked me to be your girlfiend just a month in.  You invited me to your brother's wedding.  I invited you to Europe.  I wasn't in love by any means...I was going to be cautious this time about falling too fast for someone.  But everything was going smoothly.  And then...at some point...it all turned didn't it.  It is not october...id say for the last 2 months we have been solidly argueing at least once a week.  it has progressed now to about 3 times a week and is only getting worse.  I feel like i've been talking to a wall.  like you can't hear me. i also feel like ive been self sabotaging.  i dont know why. its not what i want.  what i want is to be blisffully in love with someone who has the capacity to love me back.  But when  i think abbout love all i think about is loss.  How much it hurt to lose that boy.  How much it hurt to never know what it was that happened or what i did wrong.  to know that even though i was happy and perfect and wonderful, that still somehow it was not enough.  That even at the top of my game and at the best time in my life...I was not enough.  Sometimes, all the time, I think I am not enough.  Not enough for my job promotion, not enough for you, not enough.  I feel unloved and unsupported, and alone.  I am living in a constant fear of rejection and unworthiness.  And it is all because when I had finally found the perfect man, I could not live up to the hype.  That even though I was the best verson of myself, it was inadequate to love.  I don't know if ican do that again . I don't know if I can put all that effort into being the best version of myself and have you tell me it isn't enough.  To love you, commit to you, and have you one day up and leave because it's just not that great.  Because im not that great. I'm sorry for pushing you away. I don't want you to come close, to see me in all my glory, and to think wow...i worked this hard and waited this long for this?  i dont want you to be dissappointed.  i am dissappointed. i am appalled with my behavior lately. i even got into it with my therapist the other day.  i need help. i want to be that perfect partner again. i want to love and accept myself at my best because i am worth loving.  and i want to be my best self for you.  i hope i gain the confidence to get back there one day.  i hope you have the patience to put up with me til then. but i wouldnt blame you if you didnt. afterall we've only been dating for 4 months. and im not entirely sure im worth waiting for..  David didn't...why should you?

Rage, Blame, Shine

what is it called when you have an undying rage against someone? when everytime you think of them tears well up in your eyes and you're just so damn pissed at what they did. i really dont think it was me. i really think it was you. i can honestly say that i put in 110% into this relationship and i left it all out on the table. sure i faltered here and there but fuck man you really screwed this up. i feel like ive spent the last 6 months trying my darnedest to keep us together and you have been trying your hardest to make us fall apart. no not fall, PUSH us apart. you are actively pushing me away and making me hate you but worse than that making me hate myself. you say im selfish, impatient, not understanding, crazy, wrong, unrealistic, and for all intents and purposes unfuckable. you know what you fucking asshole. i am exactly NONE of those things. and when i told you that i have heard from multiple people that i am none of those things you laughed and scoffed at the notion that i may have even an ounce of confidence in myself. as if just because you hate the very air you breathe that i have to somehow hate myself too and then we can both look to each other for validation. its simply not true. maybe it was before because i was so madly in love with you i couldn't see the harm you were causing me. i look back on these blogs posts and i realize that i have been feeling this way since august of LAST YEAR...that is 15 months of feeling unheard, misunderstood, mistreated, underappreciated, taken for granted, unloved, and worst of all unworthy.  fuck you for fucking this up and fuck me for letting myself think for even 1 second that i was anything less than the amazing woman i am. i have patience, incredible patience, ive worked with and changed the lives of dozens of students over the span of 15 years of tutoring. one on one where i can see the change in their eyes when they finally start to get it. theyre so proud and so confident and so happy and thankful that i sat with them night after night never yelling, never expressing disappointment, never criticizing, just sitting patiently waiting for them to learn when they're ready.  i am understanding. of all people im understanding. i worked as a maid scrubbing shit off someone's toilet. me, with my fancy college degree, and nuclear medicine license, and formerly sexy trophy wife body. on my hands and knees scrubbing shit. crying as im cleaning, crying because my body hurts because im up 20 hours a day working 6 days a week and on the 7th i just do homework but at least i get to sit.  i understand unemployment, homelessness, disappointed mothers, absentee fathers, a family torn apart by oceans and languages and culture. i understand that when a person has absolutely nothing is when you really get to see what theyre made of.  and even when i lost all hope i woke up everyday and kept going.  many times i thought about quitting but i never did. not for 1 day. but you did didn't you.  one day it just got so hard that you decided you were now going to put in zero effort to keep going. it was too hard, you were too sad, you didn't love yourself, you felt depressed and defeated. and everytime i tried to lift you up you accused me of pushing you down. when i tried to give you warmth and comfort you told me to fuck off. you are miserable because you CHOSE to be miserable.  you chose to push me away, to not express yourself, to hide behind the world as if the world caused your problems when in reality you got dealt a bad hand and you refused to play with it.  i will never be quiet, i will never use my inside voice, i will not be less crude or less overtly sexual or less of anything really. i will never lose my passion or my fervor or my thirst for ambition and life. and even if you take away everything from me. even when im crawling on the ground, literally, gained 20 lbs, havent seen my family in nearly a year or my friends, i will never lose my love for life. i made a decision a long time ago to NOT end my life. because my life was worth something and i was going to make sure that it would be worth a lot more. so no i will not change, not for you, not for my mom, not for anyone. im not the one who is depressed. im not the one who is miserable. im not the one who has friends who dont know me. im not the one who fakes a smile everyday just to keep up appearances. i am who i am and i am PROUD. i worked hard through blood, sweat, and tears so many fucking tears to be where i am today and there is no fucking way in hell im changing all that for you.  if you're not happy with your life then YOU change it. dont ask someone else to change who they are to make you happy. your happiness is your choice and only you can make that decision. i am done. i am done. i am done. and now that we're over, now that i've told you that i am worth more than you know but i guess you'll never get to find out. now you want what you can't have. now you miss me. now you feel the cold of the world that i was previously trying to shelter your from when you rejected my support. now you miss the affection when before you literally pushed me off you. now with the "i love you"s and the "just calling to catch up" bullshit. its all fake. i know its fake. because i know how good you are at keeping up appearances. i aint falling for that shit no more. i want a life partner who is confident in who they are. they are happy they are fufilled they are beautiful just the way they are and they are just looking for someone to light up the night sky with. i am looking for a star. a beautiful brightly shining blazing star. because thats what i am. i am a star and the spotlight is on me and im looking for someone to duet with, not a fucking back up singer. if you aren't even the lead in your own movie, how can you expect to get the girl? clean your act up. figure out who you are. stop blaming me for your problems. figure out where you're going and how you're going to get there. i pray, i pray that one day you may shine as brightly as i know you have the potential to. but i am not going to let you put out my light just to make yours seem brighter. step up or step back. do or do not, there is no try.

Dear Stan

Dear Stan,

I've never posted names before because I like to keep certain things private.  However, seeing as no one reads this blog and I feel this directly correlates to you, I'll start with "dear stan."  First I would like to say that I love you.  Not in the way that I loved my boyfriend's in the past.  I'm not going to lie, I'm an emotional person and I tend to fall in love easily.  Usually I love certain traits or qualities of a person and when the nuance of that ends I lose interest.  Not going to lie, sometimes it's just lust. But you, I love you.  I love you in a way that one loves their best friend.  Sometimes you love them so much and you see them hurting themselves and you just want to shout out them "you could be so much more, why don't you see you the way I see you!"  But that's just the thing isn't it.  It doesn't matter how much I love you if you don't love you.  I know you're going through a hard time right now with work and school and your property and probably a bunch of other things I don't know about because you're prideful.  You once told me that you don't like to tell me your problems because you were taught in physical therapy to rely on yourself.  Funny isn't it?  You go to physical therapy to help you regain physical strength because you can't do it on your own and then they say do it on your own.  But I'm not sure you grasp the meaning.  This is not a lecture, you are doing nothing wrong, you're just doing it the hard way.  Doing it completely on your own would be like trying to heal yourself after you broke your back.  You needed surgeons, nurses, techs, therapists, all the tools and expertise of the people you specifically hired to make you better.  Sure you could've just tried to let your back heal on it's own but honestly it would severely limit your range of motion.  That's what I am.  I am not here to tell you how to live your life or what you should do.  I am here to support you and help you achieve the goals you wish to achieve.  You wanna walk again? Let's make that happen.  You wanna be a financial adviser?  Let's make that happen.  I love you in a way that I want you to succeed even if that means it's going to be tough and you're going to be unhappy until you achieve your goals.  I love you so much that I want you to be happy even if that means I'm not in the picture.  I am willing to sacrifice my own happiness to make yours happen.  Call it crazy or whatever but it's how I feel.  Right now you're mad at me.  You've been mad at me a lot this last month.  The weird thing is that we were doing really well before your birthday.  I actually thought we were out of the dark times and our relationship was finally on the track I wished it to be on.  Then the whole picture fiasco happened.  Then meeting the parents fiasco.  Then Colorado fiasco.  Then the brother fiasco.  Then the stomach flu fiasco.  And now what I'll call the everyday fiasco.  If I so much as express the smallest amount of "not esctatic-ness" I immediately get a "what's wrong with you" type expression.  Dude, nothing's wrong with me.  You are upset and therefore you are projecting that madness onto me, thinking that with every breath I take I'm somehow accusing you of being less than.  The other day you did something that hurt my feelings.  You spent all your energy trying to convince me that you did not do that thing that hurt my feelings that you forgot the most and only important thing.  I WAS HURT!  I was hurt when you didn't delete that picture. I was hurt when you didn't appreciate the sacrifice I had to make going to meet you parents. I was hurt when you got upset that I tried to put make up on and look pretty for you.  I was hurt when yet again you did not want to have sex with me, like I'm a fucking leper.  I was hurt when you told me randomly that I needed to "lay off you" when I was just taking pictures of the fucking mountains.  I was hurt when you got mad that you had to take care of me when I was sick.  I was hurt that you left me at the bar. I was hurt that you put in the most minimal passive effort to make sure I was safe.  I was hurt when you told me to get the fuck out.  I was hurt when I told you that I wanted to break up with you because I know that's a lie but I said it because I feel it is the only thing that I could've said to convey how hurt I was.  And still, even with all of that, I am hurt that you are currently not talking to me.  I am hurt that you are currently debating whether or not you still want to be with me.  I am hurt that yet again I am questioning my value and worth because although I think I am a great girlfriend I don't seem to be appreciated.  I am hurt that you are pushing me away because you're so stressed at work and with everything else that you are poisoning our relationship wtih your unhappiness.  I am hurt that I am unable to make you happy.  Mostly though, out of everything, I am hurt that you have hurt me and don't seem to acknowledge that you've hurt me.  Even reading this now, I am sure that you are thinking of all the arguements that you could present to tell me that "that's not what you meant" or "you didn't say that" or "I'm not satisfied with the effort you put in and that's my problem."  Why so focused on placing blame?  Why so focused on who is right and who is wrong and combing through past texts to try and hash it out.  Who the fuck cares.  The biggest and most generous thing you can do for someone you love is to sacrifice your pride for the benefit of their emotions.  I've apologized to friends before for things that I clearly did nothing wrong because the point is it doesn't matter if I thought I was right.  My friend is in pain and for some reason they have decided to associate that pain with an action I did and that is enough reason for me to apologize to ease their pain and give them peace.  Yo

Disappointment

Disappointment.  It's a scary word.  I actually think it's one of the scariest words in the English language.  Do you have any idea how many ideas, actions, words, emotions are driven by that one evil idea of disappointment.  Disappointing someone, yourself, everyone, the general public. If you think about how many times a day you think about pleasing someone else you'd realize you're a complete wuss.  A pathetic push over who is constantly seeking and hoping for appraisal from someone...anyone really. I'll give you an example.  I used to be a big bad ass bitch who didn't take shit from no one and thought that I didn't care what other people thought of me and I just did what I want.  The other day a patient randomly pulled me aside to tell me that she thought the way in which I answered her question was with too much attitude and that I needed to change my tune.  I apologized politely as instructed by our online training modules and sent her on her merry way. But here is what really went down.  This fucking raging bitch monster had the nerve to ask me a question while I was in the middle of helping another patient and then was angry when I could not take the time to answer her questions in a flowery prose immediately because, you know, I was with another patient.  So although I answered her questions (thoroughly and informatively) she didn't like the way in which I said it.  She in fact, hated it so much, she took it upon herself to take up more of my time (while still actively trying to help this other patient) to tell me that she thought my attitude needed working on.  WTF.  Lady, this is not elementary school and you are not my mother.  You have absolutely zero right to pull me aside in the middle of MY FUCKING WORK DAY to tell me I have an attitude problem.  You have a problem, go to my boss or write a fucking note like a little bitch.  You have no authority over me and you do not pay my fucking bills bitch.  Even knowing all of this and thinking all of this in my head, I couldn't help but be hurt by what she said.  Here I am literally working my ass off, running around, saving lives, and with a fantastic smile to boot and she has the audacity to poo poo my attitude because for 5 seconds I was less than subservient.  I walked around the rest of the day all mopey because some random bitchy stranger told me I was doing a bad job.  I'm sure the same thing has happened to you, to all of us.  Even though we say we don't care, how many of us can truly take criticism and let it roll off those emotional shoulders.

Here's another example, my mom decided that she for some reason is still not satisfied with the amount of money I make.  I will like to point out that I just told her I got a $20,000 raise and she literally says, ok but what are you going to do to make more money. Seriously woman, can't you just say congratulations like everyone else?  I told her three different ideas I had to make more money and she decided to spend the next 3 hours peppering me with questions and poking holes in all 3 of my ideas.  Instead of telling her in the first minute, that these are just ideas I had and that I refuse to answer any criticizing questions about them, I spent 3 hours trying to convince my mom that they were ideas worth having.  Somehow I found myself trying to convince her that my salary was more than enough to live a comfortable lifestyle for a whole fucking damn family.  Disappointment.  She will always be disappointed in me.  Her lack of approval is what drove me my entire life to try and gain that approval.  And even though my therapist says that it is not my job to impress her it still feels like it is.  Like a Pavlovian response I am addicted to trying to make her happy.  Every smile, every head nod, everytime she says "good" is like a small victory.  Why do I care so much?  I make plenty of money to support my life style and I think my ideas are fucking fantastic.  So why does it matter whether she likes it or not?  I am not asking her for any fiscal or time investment.  I am not asking her to be a part of this adventure.  I am telling her my life goals and somehow it's important whether or not she approves of MY life goals?  Come on girl.  We all do it, kids want to please their parents.  Wars have been fought because of this.

We need to stop letting people run our lives. Stop caring about what they think or say.  Politely acknowledge that their opinion is different from yours and instead of trying to prove them wrong or right or whatever, just brush your shoulders off.  And not just say that we don't care, but to live it as well.  It's hard.  I believe I just found my New Year's Resolution,  Everytime I find myself in a situation where I'm trying to defend myself to the other person I will simply stop talking, agree to disagree, and move on.  Clearly if I am in a defensive stance it is because I see you in an offensive stance.  A mature productive conversation cannot happen if one is attacking the other.  This is no longer a discussion and now an argument.  No more arguments.  If i feel defensive, I will shut my mouth and kill that argument.  You can't argue by yourself.  And if I refuse to participate in trivial he said ,she said, im right, youre wrong, blah blah blah then I am above it all.  Rise above the bullshit honey, 2017.  

Dear Future Husband

Dear Future Husband,

Let me first start by saying that I love you.  I don't know who you are yet but I know for a fact that I love you.  For better or worse, for richer or poorer, for all of your highs and lows, triumphs and defeats.  I will always love you unconditionally.  I will treat you with respect and dignity and generosity.  I will always have the best intentions and will never maliciously attack or hurt you.  I promise to try my very best each and every day to make our lives as beautiful as I imagine it could be and I will never stop trying.  But here comes the hard truth....I am human.

This means sometimes I get mood swings and pouty.  Sometimes I'll get sad for no reason.  Could be I remembered some horrible memory from childhood, could be I just saw a sad puppy video.  Sometimes I'll want to talk incessantly, but sometimes (although more rarely) i'll just want to sit in my misery because it's the only way i know how to process it.  Sometimes I'll get mad at you for doing some dumb ass shit and I'll react inappropriately or immaturely.  I will regret it immediately, but the damage is already done.  Sometimes I will be hangry, or homonal, or just having a shitty day at work.  Sometimes I dont know what the fuck im doing im just trying to get through life.  I will make mistakes and have defeats and things may not turn out exactly as I wanted.  The take away here is that I'm not perfect.  I never will be no matter how hard I try and that is ok.  What makes you my future husband versus any other man on this planet is that you will love and accept me for all of my strengths and weaknesses.

I will need you to forgive my mistakes, accept my apologies, hug me when im sad, enthusiastically celebrate when i triumph.  Revel in my glory and grumble in my defeats.  I need to know that you always have my back and that you will always be there for me no matter what happens.  I need to know you love me unconditionally as I love you.  I need to know that I am good enough, that me, just me in all my misshapen glory, am good enough.

I grew up with a mother who never thought i was good enough. Most likely it's because she thought she was never good enough and that was because her mother thought she was never good enough.  The cycle continues.  I am working hard everyday to love and accept myself.  To know that I am wonderful and vivacious and worth loving and having.  I am learning at a slow and steady pace to unconditionally love myself.  To forgive my weakness, to love my flaws, and to accept my limitations.  I was raised to be the best version of myself, which in my mother's eyes is practically perfect in every way.  However, I am not.  I never will be.  That is ok.  But as I am here learning to love and accept myself for who I am, I need a man who will also love and accept me rather than undermine my progress by feeding doubt into my mind.

 For example, I fucked up today.  I over reacted to something that you said that was mean. Sure what you said was mean and uncalled for, but what I said was equally uncalled for and arguably more mean. I wanted to hurt you because you had hurt me and in that moment I just went with my gut and not my brain and I regretted it immediately.  I called you to apologize and you ignored my call.  When you ignore someone you are essentially telling them that they do not deserve the opportunity to fix what they have broken.  They are so unworthy or your time and energy that you cannot even bring yourself to passively listen to their sad, pathetic attempt to right the wrong they have done.  So when you send that call to voicemail thinking, I don't want to talk to her right now, what you're really saying is YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TALK TO ME.  Just because you have nothing to say does not mean I have nothing to say. You could just passively listen.  My future husband cannot have this reaction.  I wouldn't.  I always give people the chance to apologize.  I know how hard it is to say you're wrong and how much it hurts when the other party says, I don't care that you're trying to make this better it WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH so stop fucking trying.  I got this from my mom everyday of my life for everything I have ever tried to do. It hurts, it conditions you to hate yourself and to think you only have one shot to do everything and if you fuck it up there is no going back you are just a fucking loser.  That is a lot of pressure to put on yourself.  I am already battling this shit on my own I do not need you to put even more pressure on me to be perfect.

In conclusion, my future darling,  I love you.  More importantly, I forgive you.  Even if you don't forgive me, I still forgive you.  Because I can't carry around this burden that I am just not good enough.  I cannot carry this pressure that no matter what I do you will only love me under the specific circumstances that you would like to love me under.  How am I supposed to fit that mold?  How is anyone supposed to fit that mold?  It's simply not fair or feasible and I would never do that to you, so I expect you not to do that to me.  I am not perfect.  I am human.  I am angry and frustrated that you are mad at me for being me.

I AM FUCKING FABULOUS AND IF YOU DON'T SEE THAT THEN YOU DON'T DESERVE MY LOVE....WHICH IS FREAKING LOVELY!

Sincerely,
Victoria Niles

its late and im up

its 11pm and i am nowhere close to falling asleep. its been like this for about a few weeks now. the uncertainty and instability of our relationship is negatively affecting my life.  my coworker asked me today what was wrong with me. i said i was tired, and she said "yea it looks like you could use some rest."  i think she thinks i look physically tired but i am more mentally and emotionally drained than anything physical.  you see i am in love with you.  i am in love with you and you claim to love me too but your actions dont match your words.  you kicked me out of your house after you promised you wouldnt, you told me we were just friends and then you fucked me, you told me you wanted to give us one more chance and then you unfairly judged me when i was still trying to get my shit together, you say you dont want a relationship then you accidentally call me your girlfriend, you say that we're dating but only casually, you tell me that you cant and wont give me 100% even though  i deserve it, you say the ball is in my court but i always feel like its in yours.  these are not things you do to someone you love.  and maybe im focusing only on the negatives, but at this point the negatives so far out weigh the positives that i dont even recognize them anymore.  i want to feel free to love you, not guilty.  i want to miss you and call you and be with you without wondering whether or not you feel the same way or if youre just talking to me because you feel obligated and you dont actually give a shit about what i have to say.  i want to stop crying every single fucking night and almost everyday because i love you so much it physically pains me to think you dont feel the same way and the only way for me to release that pain is with tears.  im so tired, so very tired of trying to convince you im worth fighting for.  you say im the best, you say i deserve love and devotion and 100%.  you say that its not fair for you to string me along while you decide whether or not you want to be with me.  yet here we are, sleeping together, dating, stringing me along.  you said you want to "See where it goes."  ive known you for 9 months and lived with you for 3.  i know things about you that you probably dont even know.  uve seen me at my worst and at my normal but u have never experienced me at my best.  u dont know what that looks like, but trust me its worth the wait.  we are so past the point of "Seeing where it goes."  if you want to take it slow, fine.  if you want to just flirt and date like we used to, fine.  but at this point in time you should know me well enough to know if you want to be with me or not.  casual dating and fucking around is reserved for people who dont know what they want. i am at a point where i want a man who knows what he wants, and i want that to be me.  i want him to say, this is the girl id like to be with. i can see our lives together and she is the best thing since sliced bread.  now how are we going to work on this so that we can both get there, to the point where we are fully committed, devoted, in love and happy with each other.  what can i do to help make that happen.  a real man would be able to say those things, to be able to admit them to himself.  the kind of man i want to be with will be able to say those things to me.  how could you not know if you want to be with me.  for fuck's sake we lived together, you really still debating whether or not you wanna fuck some other chick?  dude, go, fuck her, have fun, endlessly searching for side chick after side chick hoping she'll fulfill that empty hole ive left behind. she never will.  because a casual chick that you're just sort of seeing where things go with is not going to pick up your calls in the middle of the night. she is not going to make you dinner when youve had a long day. she is not going to help you navigate your job or your investments or your parents.  she is not going to "be the one who got away" or mother your fucking children.  she is never going to be good enough because she will never try.  and she will never try because you arent putting in the motherfucking effort.  it hurts you know, it hurts me everyday to think that ive put my heart and soul into this relationship and you cant even put in enough effort to make a god damned decision.  its one thing if ur like i just dont feel it and i dont love u.  its another thing to say oh, i know youve been trying but i just still dont know, can you keep trying while i make up my mind eventually or never?  fuck it, i dont care what you call it. boyfriends, girlfriend, serious relationship, casual relationship, 100%.  i deserve and want someone who is fully committed to trying to make it work with me.  because that is what love is, the choice to work on something beautiful with someone that YOU CHOSE.  people say we dont choose who we love, but we do.  we dont choose who we lust after, but to love someone deeply and truly and commit to them, those are all choices.  choices that i have made and choices that you are delaying.  call it what you will, i thought putting a title on us would mean that you made your choice but it didnt.  you felt forced, you did it anyways because you're a coward, and thought it would buy you more time to choose.  well i dont care about titles anymore.  i care about actions.  you want me, come get me bitch. im out *mic drop*

break ups

i didn't cry as much this time as i normally do.  i dont know if thats a good thing or a bad thing.  i dont know if maybe i saw it coming or maybe im so depressed with everything else that's happening in my life that this is just one more turd to the shit pile.  i dont know if maybe im just getting better at being dumped.  i have a routine.  i call off sick the next day and watch nothing but romantic comedies as i eat butter pecan ice cream and order in chinese take out.  usually involves drinking a couple bottles of wine my best red-headed friend and talking about how stupid my ex is and how he'll be so sorry he left me.  is that sad?  that ive been dumped so many times that it has become routine.  am i destined to fail at every relationship ill ever have just like my mother?  she is so insufferable her own children hate her.  the true definition of dying alone.  no friends, no family, no lovers, just empty never ending infinite darkness and nothingess.  she even told me to not be surprised if my best friend betrayed me in the future.  that i should expect and plan for it to happen.  i mean is that my fate?  to be so cynical that mistrust and disloyalty become not only routine but expected?

ill hand it to this last one though, at least he didn't dump me between thanksgiving and my birthday again.  worst time of the year for me, too many bad break ups.  i want to cry.  i want to eat ice cream.  but i cant.  mom's still here and so are the painters and the delivery people and the installers and contractors.  there's still work to do and things to finish and none of that will get done while im crying.  u know whats worse?  is that it is so obvious that i am crying and my mom just gives no shits. not even a rhetorical "are you ok?"  just the "i called you but you didnt pick up there are decisions you need to make about the door why haven't you made them oh my god you are so dramatic im so glad im leaving tomorrow"  me too mom, in fact i wish you'd leave today but then i have no one to be home for the range installer. almost makes me want to live without a stove. i would have my boyfriend to help but i dont have that anymore.

i did see this coming, we have been fighting a lot, and just recently agreed to take some space which i have now learned = death of relationship. he says ive changed.  he says his friends say ive changed.  what do they know about me.  did they even try to get to know me.  of course ive changed.  i just undertook the biggest project of my life outside of college.  its a miracle no one died. but yes, lets see if they stay the same when they get challenged with something.  who knows, maybe i would revert back to my normal self after this is all over. i guess they'll never find out because they never gave me a chance. i want to do laundry i want to go to the grocery store i want to get back to my normal life.  but i cant.

is it bad to drink wine and cough syrup? cause im also sick and i pulled an intercostal muscle so dealing with that sharp agonizing pain.  do i move on?  do i move forward? do i tell myself that im going to work on myself and finish up my projects and then go on vacation and be alone for a while?  he's leaving the country you know.  why do all my ex's leave countries?  for an indefinite amount of time too.  like they date me, realize how immature they are, then leave the country to find themselves...none have returned so far.  all having too much fun being all over the world fucking all random girls and drinking all night. he's taking a sabatical.  i want one.  but my job has a policy about unpaid vacation time. we don't get any.  so i have to finish all my projects, (remodel, timeshare rental) then save up enough money and vacation time to leave again. he says he still loves me.  but he cant keep stringing me along while he figures his shit out.  makes sense, i have learned in the 28 years being here that love is not what makes the relationship last.  (to be frank, im not sure what does)  3 times ive been dumped in this apartment. now that the remodel is finished, being dumped will be one of my first memories.  this remodel has cost me my sanity, my money, my time, and my relationship.  but hey, at least i have my home to keep me warm at night.