have a little faith

Hey guys! i know its been forever (genuinely because i have absolutely no time at all) but i find myself oddly needing to vent for some reason. it could be because im under a ridiculous amount of stress and i cant seem to allocate any time to "get it off my chest." i am currently in a nuclear medicine technology training program in Palo Alto, CA. People always asks me how i got into nuclear medicine and honestly i can say it was a whirlwind of an adventure. decided last year around chrismast time (as you can see in my previous post) that i no longer wanted to go to medical school or grad school or any other sort of formal higher education. i was just done with all of it. done with the endless nights of studying, the textbooks i never read, the people id have to compete with just to get a passing grade and the cut throat competition that is really just not healthy in an educational environment. but i wasn't ready to go to work yet either. the real world scared me, still does actually. so i was looking for a happy medium...who am i kidding i had no idea what the hell i was looking for i was just shooting bullets into a dark space hoping to hit something...and i did! friend's mom told me to look into being an ultrasound tech that way i can still stay in healthcare in case i decide to go back to med school...looked into it, decided i didnt like it, but this nuc med thing sounded way fun! (it was another program offered at Kaiser so it showed up in the search). applied to a few programs and waited...

spring break comes along and im in new york city with one of the many men i have around the country waiting to date me should i choose to move to their location and i get a phone call. it's my mentor from Hopkins! (i interned there two summers in a row and we developed a bond). she is offering me a job. The Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public fucking Health is saying "[Victoria], if we get the grant you are our first pick for the new research assistant." well ill be damned, maybe my luck is turning around (after such a horrible bad streak at the beginning of college). also while in nyc i interview for a nuc med tech program in new york city and WOOHOO got one of the covetted spots in the class of 2010 on the spot. WTF....went to italy and came back and the lady i worked for during the school year (in a fish lab) says there is a new research assistant job available starting in the summer and that i would be an excellent candidate and that i surely should apply because i have been working in the lab already....ok u have to keep in mind this all happened starting April...April folks....i also find myself getting called back for an interview at this program in palo alto and before u know it im driving up to norcal to impress everyone with my amazingess! june comes around, i miraculously pass all my classes and am left with the decision to turn down some job offers. i decided with Palo Alto, dont ask me why i turned down hopkins it just didnt feel right. looked good on paper, didnt feel right...and the one thing ive learned in college is to go with ur gut because it is instictually always correct. now im left with another problem, moving back home...

now it is just not ok to live at home, what with the 1 hour commute one way and the whole mother thing and how i swore id never be that kid who moved back home after college i was stuck. although the program's tuition was covered by the govnt i had no money to live or pay rent (given my mom doesnt feed me anyway but still). ok then craigslist it is! after a million emails, interviews, dissapointments and sleepless nights i started the program. the first couple weeks were tough, and what was worse is that my mom's 27 year old ex-boyfriend decided to move in with us...and my dad...FML. miraculously i was able to land a job in exchange for rent in a great neighborhood 5 minutes away from the hospital. dont ask me how but with my extremely limited hours i was surprised to find anyone to take me in at all (i think the poor woman pitied me...but ill take it).

its now september and i am still amazed at everything that has happened since ive decided to take control of my life. in fact i can remember almost the exact point in time that happened. i always was the rebellious type and i hated listening to my mom but i always eventually listened...until Cinderella. thats right folks i was in Roger & Hammerstein's Cinderella my senior year in high school. it was the first time i really really really wanted to do something, and even though my mother said no i put myself out on the line (and out of the house) just so i could do something i loved. now given i dont wanna be on broadway but it was extremely liberating to be doing something because i wanted to for a change and not for some alterior motive. ever since then ive started doing things because i wanted to. i went to ucla (not berkeley...mom wanted me to stay close to home..ew), majored in something people told me was too hard and FINISHED in four years on a govnt grant with no student loans mind u..suck on that! studied abroad even though my counselor told me i couldn't. joined a sorority even though mother said it woudlnt be worth it, loved and lost, dated ppl other ppl told me i shouldnt (that was a bad idea) and now im living on my own working 2 jobs (3 if u count tutoring) going to school, acing my quizzes and am working on a case study for a massive presentation this friday. can u believe it. ive done so much since i started living for myself and i realized this...

life is like ridiculously exciting once u start living it. sure its hard and it sucks at times (like when im exhausted and have to come home to scrub toilets) but thats what makes it worth while. because i hear ppl all the time tell me that they are amazed at all the stuff i have done by this age and u know what, i never stop to think and marvel at it myself because im always too busy looking for the next big thing to take on. o and ps im getting better at the dating thing as well..i think..lol who knows there's still time to master that skill.

I am 21 years old (almost 22) and i can say that i have gone through more than what most people have to go through by my age and i am proud to say that i am still here, still kickin (barely) and still loving all of it. i am currently broke, my car is dying, i clean someone elses toilets, and i work like a slave everyday while taking six classes at a time and u know what...i fuckin kick ass at it. so if anyone needs a little inspirational talk, dont hesitate to ask cause as i always say, you'll figure it out just like i did. =)

Life ur Life,
Victoria Niles

funny story

so um the post below this one is definitely that of my roomate sonia who just studied abroad in spain. unfortunately i was no so lucky to do so and i have been stuck here in los angeles for the past 3.5 years. Haven't written on this in while and ive been meaning to write more often but i cant seem to find the time. actually i cant seem to find the time to do much of anything anymore. i find my life becoming completely void of all purpose as if in a stand still. im just stalling right now til something comes along to kick me in the ass. for those who dont know im not applying for medical school anymore or at least not anytime soon. I am looking into certifcation in nuclear medicine technology, which would be cool, and at least give me something to do and some cash to live off of while i figure my life out. sometimes i wish there was a roadmap to life, can u just imagine how much easier it would be to actually live and enjoy our time here if we didnt spend so much of it trying to figure out what the fuck is going on? im ridiculously jealous of people who know what they want in life and are going for it. i remember what that felt like a couple years ago, and now ive become the epitome of what i strived hardest to avoid: ending up a college grad who has no idea what they want to do or where they're going to go. at first it was strangely liberating but now..now its just unecessarily daunting. in any case now im just rambling about all the horriblness that is school and work and not fun stuff...lets talk about fun stuff, like dating.

so one of my friend's is like the date master and is currently semi-seeing three to four guys right now (the last one is yet to be determined). they are all ridiculously good looking and fun people. wtf..she has three and a half and i cant even get one. though at one point in time i had three, then zero, and now one...sort of..though after last night im not sure anymore. question for the ladies, do u ever find urself believing someone even though u know the probablity of them not telling the truth is high? i mean a guy tells u o i dont just hook up with ppl...uh huh...and then an hour later u find urself getting booted from his apartment and ur like wow really...i shouldve seen that coming. and gentlemen, girls would rather u be brutally honest. we understand just needing to "get some" trust me..me of all ppl..lol, but dont tell a girl that u find her fun and interesting and that ull call her and that ull hang out and that ur "not that type of guy" and that u take offense when she compares u to all the other guys she's been with because guess what, u try to pull that shit on her and then end up turning into another one of her statistics. its cruel and rude..just be like look i dont want to date people right now im enjoying being single..and most likely she'll be like ok thats cool and that way at least when she gets attached u can be like well i told u i didnt want anything, rather than her being all like well great he told me all these grandiose claims of being amazing and really he's just an ordinary tool. sorry i know that was mean but ive been recently disappointed so i need somewhere to let it out.

ok i feel like im done typing for now, possibly ill be blogging later, we'll see. in any case i really hope that my life will turn around somehow, i feel like not only am i ready for a change, but honestly i deserve it. for those with the benefit of having at least some things go your way, don't ever forget to

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles

Eurotrip!!!

I figure I should say at least something about my very own EUROTRIP! Well, you see, Spain was now behind me and all of Europe was starring right back at me. I had 10 days as a backpacker. Hostels, trains, and cheap meal, I did it all with my wonderful friend and buddy. Here are a few words to describe the places I visited:

Italy: expected sites, eggplant pizza, caramel creme gelato, roman columns

Switzerland: pointy, dreamy alps, dead trees

Dublin, Ireland: subway sandwiches, diversity, Irish spirit

The trip was perfect. From indulging on marinera pizza in Italy to resorting to loaves of bread in our last days, each ingredient made my 10 days the tastiest days of my life. I was full off of life.

conflicting emotions...aka ambivalence

ok so here's the deal...today was quite scary due to reasons i dare not discuss online. lets just say something life altering hit me hard this afternoon-evening that made me realize i am just not ready to give up. its amazing what a little festering thought can do to a weak mind. everyone/anyone just stop for a second and think. What if in an instant you were forced to surrender your future? And i don't mean literally have to give up ur future and die, but i mean what if u had no choice but to make it completely different from what u wanted/dreamed it to be? i mean seriously, dude, not cool. many times in the past (as u can see from previous blogs) have i been doubtful of what i want to do, what i want as a career, etc. and many times have i pondered the thought of just finishing ucla and getting a job somewhere and calling it a day. but a few hours ago, when there was a genuine possibility of losing what i have worked/not worked so hard for, i had to pause and catch my breath. no way was i ready to just throw it all away and decide "no that's just not for me." i couldnt stand the thought of leading some meaningless (well without meaning to me anyways) existence trudging through day after day doing something ultimately mundane and a waste of my life. i mean ok sure, med school is not exactly on everyone's to-do list but its been on mine for a while. like a little speck in the distance that ur somewhat curious about at first and u think maybe i can ignore it but the longer u ignore it the more u have to get closer to said speck to see exactly what it is otherwise itll drive u insane. and u have all these amazing thoughts of the speck and how itll give u everything u always wanted and especially give u the happiness and satisfaction u know u deserve because gosh darn it life has just been so hard its about time something good happens. ya...that speck is med school...and u know i just cant ignore it much longer, so what the heck im just gonna take everything one step at a time just so i can go see what its like. and im almost certain at this point, that that speck will bring me the greatest joy in the world.

on another note, i got my first comment on a post today! likely one of my fbook friends and likely someone who calls me V. weird cause im pretty sure ive heard someone call me that before but i cant quite put my finger on it. o well, some mystery in life makes it worth living am i right? in any case i appreciate ur comment and although u say u have no comforting words...u said exactly what i needed to hear, right when i needed to hear it. and just for the record, i for sure smiled for like a whole 5 seconds. until next time...

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles

its 1am and im writing

so ive decided upon many things tonite. there's been a lot of stuff happening lately that im not terribly happy with, for instance...med school. yup that whole thing fell through and now im studying for the gre and applying to grad school then after the year off going for med school. sometimes i find myself up in the middle of the night unable to sleep im so anxious about the fact that im attempting to get a masters and doctoral degree. is it possible? the journey is so long. will i burn out? and ultimately, will it make me happy? will i be living the dream that ive been thinking of for so long or does my true calling still lie out there? i'd have to say i haven't had any major breakthroughs since high school and the assurance that i had as a kid is completely gone and now all i am is scared. scared to leave the comfort of ucla, scared to venture off into the world and become a grown woman. for christ's sake i can't even hold a relationship for longer than 3 months how the hell am i supposed to have a career and a family and investments and blah blah blah. i mean seriously, does anyone else feel like sometimes its just too much. that sometimes you just want to go to bed and wake up 10 years later when you're ready? so many questions and zero answers, just taking each day one step at a time and following my gut and hoping it'll take me somewhere. one of my biggest fears is working so hard and getting all the way to my residency and deciding you know..medicine just isnt for me. what a waste of time and effort that would be. and yet somehow i continue to trek on as if im sure that that is what i want when in fact im actually quite unsure about it.

havent even gotten to talk about the boy curse yet. for instance, guy that i hooked up with down under/hooked up with this summer now has a gf. keep in mind there was only a 3 week span of time between "you should come visit more" and "___ _____ is in a relationship" on facebook. i mean seriously, and they write on each other's walls and it honestly sickens me everytime i see it. im like ok he mustve been dating her or at least had some relations with her when we hooked up even if they werent official, then whats all this bull crap of 'come visit more' and why the f**** was he flirting the entire weekend i was up there? thats just one of many examples that i dont feel like delving into right now of how im totally and utterly boy cursed. im not doing well academically, not romantically, my family is falling apart, my money is drying up, and all in all im supposed to slap on a face and pretend like everything's ok when really i just want someone to sit next to me and be like no..no nothing's ok and ur life pretty much sucks right now but we'll get through this and ill be there for you every step of the way. and i suppose thats what best friends are for but honestly they have their own problems to worry about and i dont like bothering other ppl with my issues. *sigh* whatevs, its like 1am and i can't sleep. plus im a week late..which isnt too scary considering ive been up to 2 weeks late before and am almost consistently a week late (in which case i dont think it would be considered late anymore) but anywho, thats just one more thing to worry about. im not sure if this makes sense to anyone or if anyone reads these blogs, but id like to think that somewhere out there someone can understand what im going through even if i dont even know their name.

live ur life
-Victoria Niles

opening act

Is it just me, or lately has life just been ridiculously extra hard? I mean, I don't think I have ever wished for LESS options in my life than right now. Currently on the cusp of graduating college with a Bachelor's, I find myself wondering what lies ahead. I suppose people would tell me," It's great to have that many choices because then you can do whatever you want!" but really I just want to know what to do. Never have I ever faced so much uncertainty in regards to the future and I think it is honestly taking a toll on my health. Should I go to graduate school? Medical school? Are my grades good enough? Am I good enough? Am I ready to go straight to work if I don't do more schooling? What job would I do? I don't want a job I want a career, but really what would I be happy doing for the rest of my life? And not just satisfied doing but genuinely 'I enjoy getting up in the morning excited to go to work everyday' type happy. AND where the hell am I supposed to find time for love? Am I just going to scoot from man to man hoping that one day I'll be able to hold a relationship longer than a couple months or will I finally be whisked away to some magical place in the most absurdly romantic way possible? No, I bet I'll be the lady with a bunch of cats in an apartment somewhere in Chinatown. Or worse, I'll be the poor 50 year old woman swiping cards at Clubsport wondering why I am doing a job that high-schooler should be doing. All in all I'd have to say that life is throwing way to many balls my way and I do not have the mental capacity to be able to handle them all. (yes i know bad choice of words but you get the analogy).

And as far as stress level goes, mine is through the roof. I'm lashing out at almost everyone right now because of the instability in my own world, and the crumbling pressure of a society that is constantly leaving people behind (esp. right now, thanks Bush). No worries, I'm not suicidal, BUT I am near breaking point for a nervous breakdown. And thus, to continue with my rapid disconnected thoughts, I have decided to start blogging in order to get my thoughts out on paper (or broken computer screen) because I hope that someone out there is feeling the same way I am. On that note, I would like to end this mess of word vomit with the opportunity for readers (if there are any) to comment to this post with your thoughts and ideas or to propose another question. Think of it as not only my blog but almost as your blog as well. (and I say almost because technically I'm the only one that can post blog entries BUT that is a trivial matter). With that, I leave the floor open to you (and I use 'you' as a general pronoun to address everyone and anyone that has something on their mind they would like my opinion on, and believe me I have plenty).

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles