if i had known

if i had known.  if i had known it was going to be our last night together i would've tried harder.  i would've made it sweeter, lighter, happier.  i would've smiled more, judged less.  i would've kissed you more deeply and loved you more passionately.  i would've insisted on not being too tired to make love. so many things i would've done if i had known.  but i guess that's when happens when good things come to end.  they just...end. no climax, no one last hoorah, no finale.  just emptiness and space.  and tomorrow morning ill wake up a different woman.  the sheets still smell like you. the roses you gave me are still on the living room table.  if i had known that would be the last time i hugged you i would've held you closer, held you tighter.  in my heart i want to wake up and pretend that all of this didn't happen.  that we were still in love.  were we?  who the fuck knows.  i just know this is not what i wanted.  waking up empty, cold, alone. again. thanksgiving. again. like seriously fuck this holiday, it's starting to remind me of all the things i'm not thankful for.  i find myself closing my eyes and imagining you coming back to me, saying that you still care about me and miss me and want me. saying that you still find me attractive, looking at me with those love sick eyes.  i wonder what my birthday present was. guess ill never know. i also know it's going to kill me every time i drive up to your building to tutor your neighbor.  and ill stare up at the window longingly like romeo did for juliet.  ill sit in my car and wait, hoping that maybe ill run into you on your way out. ill be wandering what crosses your mind when you see my car.  you asked me how you can miss someone when they've only been gone a few hours.  sweetie it's been 3 hours and i miss you more than i ever have before.  what happened to me, to us, what happened to falling in love, staying up late, never getting enough of each other.  what happened to love, to never giving up, to second chances.  what happened to a boy who likes a girl and became a man to win her heart.  what happened to walks to the grocery store, yogurtland, making dinners. what happened to all day sex-athons and snuggling.  god just what happened to us.  if i had known sweetie that this was the end, if i had any inkling this was coming.  i wouldn't have let you go.

forgotten

i have forgotten. forgotten what it feels like to be wanted, desired, to be interesting.  it wasn't til this moment that i realize i have forgotten what it's like to be asked what i wanted, how i felt, even when i was free.  there was a time i was asked weeks in advance when i would have time to spend a whole day with you because you wanted to see me so badly.  i have forgotten what's it like to not beg for a spare moment of yours.  every time i want to see you i have to ask because i have forgotten what it's like to be asked.  to be that girl who has it all.  you never ask anymore.  i can't even remember the last time you asked me for a moment of my time.  can't remember the last time you asked me when i was free so we could hang out because you wanted to see me.  i remember the last time you asked me to skype was so long ago i was in complete shock when i read it. what would happen if i didn't ask when you were free?  it's gotten so bad that even when i ask when you're free you tell me that you have to check and i find out later that you're really just filling your calendar with other people you want to see before you want to see me.  i learned this weekend that i have forgotten what good morning meant, forgotten what a surprise feels like versus an obligation, i have forgotten what two people wanting to be in the same place at the same time feels like.  and it felt so good.  and it makes me sad that we used to feel that way and that you don't anymore.  i don't know maybe you do but i don't feel that way from you anymore. i have forgotten the way you look at me.  i have forgotten what your smile sounds like. i have just simply forgotten.  is it my fault for forgetting or yours for not transmitting.  i guess i'll never know.  all i know is i miss you, i miss us, and i miss that feeling.  and i hate, i hate having forgotten.  but what i hate even more is being forgotten.  like screaming and shouting and jumping up and down and everyone notices but you.  you've forgotten what i sound like when i smile, my laughter, my joy.  i'd rather be rejected, neglected, insulted that forgotten.  it's like im so insignificant that i couldn't even be bothered to be actively negatively treated.  it just happens out of sheer annoyance and laziness.  it's like not being loved or hated or feared or liked.  it's like not being worthy of any emotions short of an empty space in your head that you are now filling with other things.  forgotten, what a terrible feeling.  that feeling of knowing if i was to walk away right now, that nothing in your life would change.  that one day you may wake up and notice that something was different, but not be able to put your finger on it, then fall back asleep acknowledging that it must not be that important.  i'm what's different, i'm what's missing, please don't fall back asleep.  remember me.  remember me.

JUST STOP!

I told off my HOA lady today.  She asked me where i got the code to get into my building. i told her that i got it from a neighbor.  she said i wasnt supposed to have it.  i told her that thats fine but instead of accusing me of doing something wrong (ie having the code) she couldve just told me.  she then emailed and left a voicemail apology saying that she did not mean at all to sound accusatory but that i mistook her tone via email.  she sounded sincerely apologetic and i felt bad because my tone was CLEARLY accusatory.  made me think of a conversation i had last night. how i take things and spin them for the negative.  why is it so hard for me to take things at face value.  hey, v, ever thought maybe she just really wanted to know where i got the code, where the leak was coming from?  nope..definitely she wanted to tell me i was wrong.  my mom has always said i was a very sensitive kid.  i would take things that she'd say and extrapolate them into the most monumental horrors imaginable.  i guess it was all those hours i spent in the garage "contemplating what i did wrong."  too much time solo causes someone to start having conversations in their own head.  which is not a good thing when youre actually having a conversation with another person because you start hearing their voice in your head instead of in your ears.  something's wrong with me. i was so sure of everything when i got back from europe.  i knew who i was, what i was doing, where i was going, and what i wanted.  im not totally lost now but i do feel like my confidence and security is slipping away.  ive never been good at it u know.  the whole love thing.  i dont get it.  i dont get how some people can stay so happy and so satisfied for so long.  im envious. envious with every fiber of my being to wonder what thats like.  i know how to make myself happy, but to get that from another person?  how? wont they leave? what if they stay? what if what you think theyre thinking isnt what theyre thinking? what if ur falling madly in love and hes falling madly out of it?  i cried at work this morning.  im not sure why, the conflict was taken care of.  but was it really?  i wanted to talk about feelings, but instead got totally dumped on for all the things i was doing wrong.  not the type of feelings i was talking about.  i wanted to talk about romantic feelings.  hearing how much he missed me and he thinks about me even when hes busy.  does he?  i dunno.  all i know is i need to pull away.  step back from the line v, ur not ready to cross it.  cause if u do and he doesnt...then its just u, there, all alone, on the other side of the line trying to figure out how to get back home.  step back v, he says ur pressuring him, step back, he says ur smothering him, step back, when u wanna text him, think.  when u wanna make him presents, think, how many have u made him this month?  when u wanna be sad when ur time together is over, think, is he sad?  no, he has other things to get done. he is not sad ur leaving and therefore neither should u.  ull see each other again..right? maybe just stop going over all together.  he says he doesnt invite u over on purpose.  take that as a hint...ur not supposed to go over.  stop inviting urself. just stop v JUST STOP.i feel this pain in my chest, like someone just squeezed my heart a little.  i know that feeling.  its the feeling of hopelessness.  clutching at ur soul like ur hand is the only thing keeping ur heart in ur chest.  hopelessly in love.  its sad really.  how many times has this happened sweetie, and u just cant learn.  nobody sees relationships like u do, love like u do, as this fantasy emotion thats neither real nor a dream.  such a strange uncontrollable feeling.  most kids experience this growing up, at least they have something to compare to.  i do not know if i have experienced true unconditional love...but i know ive experienced love and loss.  sad. to see such a beautiful girl cry.  but its time to get on ur feet v.  time to step up to the challenge just like u did when u thought u were going to die in europe.  time to figure out a plan when no one else is willing to cooperate or care for u.  time to get to the other side...but how, in this hour of need if i cant turn to whom i love then what?

always trapped..always seeking

feels so weird right now.  i feel like i should be writing...like i need to write.  like i need to get something off my chest.  and yet as i sit here, im honestly not sure what to write about.  i have been meaning to add a blog post for some time now but ugh...its all getting so messy in my head.  this happens every time.  i should just learn, right?  learn to withdraw...learn to not have expectations or to get attached or to let my guard down.  but it's just so easy and it feels so natural that i can't say no.  im like an addict.  a constant struggle between high and low.  at the beginning i was good..really good.  i didnt need to see him that much, didnt mind not talking to him for a few days, didnt care if he was busy or preoccupied.  its all i think about these days.  what he's doing, is he happy, i wonder if he's thinking about me, misses me.  so many things i want to say but i cant bring myself to say them and every time he says something, every touch, every look, every moment i feel him slipping away.  its happened before to me, to him.  i need to pull back.  need to need less.  need to just be myself.  but this is myself.  i love whole heartedly, i dive head first, i plunge all the way to the bottom not accounting for the return.  i do this academically, financially, in my work, with my friends, with my love.  everything is just so confusing and everything is becoming so sensitive.  i just want to fall, fall head over heels, just let myself be blissfully happy and ignorant in the matters of the heart.  and yet i know this is a fool's errand.  pull back i say, step away, turn around.  come on v, u know better, u are wiser, we've been down this road and we know exactly how it all ends.  pull back, keep your ahead above water,  dont breathe in until the very last moment.  let him come to you in his own time, in his own way.  and yet are we, as women, meant to suffer in the waiting room as men come to realize what they have?  how long is appropriate.  how long do we wait.  forever. until judgement day.  its time to do the dishes. to clean up ur act. maybe he needs space.  maybe i need space.  some days i really do feel like a drug addict.  except im addicted to the constant need to feel loved.  i put myself through rehab, i get better for a while...then love creeps back into my veins just to give me a taste.  just to tempt me to throw myself into the abyss and plunge back into the darkness.  thats what it is u know.  darkness.  ive never known love to be anything other than sadness.  maybe one day i will be lucky enough to experience true freedom in the realm of love. but right now i feel like a prisoner..always trapped...always seeking a way out.

i didnt know it would hurt you

you know its a weird feeling, betrayal.  some horrid mix of anguish, pain, relief, guilt, and satisfaction.  i found out today someone im seeing slept with one of my friends.  i am thankful it is not someone whom im seeing seriously and not one of my closer friends.  but i imagine the feeling would be along the same lines just infinitely more intense directly correlating to the proximity of the friendship.  and he can justify it any way she likes and she can tell herself that we werent serious so its ok, but in the end what they did was morally wrong.  sure, technically it isnt cheating since we're not in a relationship.  sure, she technically isnt a home wrecker because she knew that we were just casually dating.  so sure, on paper it all doesnt seem so bad right?  the fact of the matter is he knew it would hurt my feelings if he did it and he did.  she knew that i liked him and she did. do people not understand the consequences of their actions anymore?  do people not get that sometimes when you do something to satisfy your own selfish desires you are in fact really hurting somebody else?  or do people just not care.  are there really individuals out there men and women alike, who will hurt anyone and anything to have one lousy lay? 

he asked me if i wanted to get dinner yesterday.  i just wanted to pick up my key but i figured i hadnt seen him in a while so what the heck.  i walk in to use the bathroom and when i came out he went to use it.  as i looked around i noticed that there was no sleeping pad on the floor and that the bed was completely disheveled.  two pillows stacked on the right and one pillow on the left.  and i saw it, in a flash, him sleeping on the right with his crotch against her ass on the left.  i shuddered. he said he didnt want to sleep with her.  he said he had no intention.  otherwise i wouldve never let her crash at my house, or taken her out to a club, or done her hair for God's sake.  before i can process what is happening she walks in the front door.  gives me a big hug, says its great to see me.  i hesitate slightly but brush it off. i was tired. i was hungry. i invited her to dinner and he told me he didnt know she was invited.  that shouldve been my first confirmation.  for the 2 weeks she's been here he always invited both of us out to dinner.  she asks if id like her to come. i say yes of course.  she obliges.  we come home from dinner and give her a hug.  i give him a hug. did i kiss him?  i cant remember. i jump in my car and go home exhausted and think nothing of it.

he texted me this morning.  wanna hang out today?  and it hits me like a shit ton of bricks.  hang out?  to him hanging out means having sex.  we never hang out, we only have sex. he has no interest in my mind, my spirit, my soul he only cares about sex.  and like a flash all the evidence comes pouring in.  i call him and ask him point blank. did u sleep with her?  potentially, he says.  ill take that as a yes.  i start to cry.  i cant help myself. i was in a state of shock, believable shock.  he said he didnt know it would hurt me.  really.  so if i stab you in the face and you're scarred for life can i tell a judge i didnt know it would hurt you?  think that defense would fly?  i proceed to tell him its not the act itself that makes me mad, after all we are not exclusive and i have also slept with other people.  it was the fact he lied to me and didnt have the common courtesy or respect to at least clean up after himself.  it would be like if he walked into my bedroom and saw a used condom on the floor and i was like oh im sorry, i didnt realize that would make you uncomfortable.  i sent her a message too saying that i trusted her, i brought her into my home, and she goes behind my back and sleeps with the guy she knows im dating because she has SEEN us sleep together..i mean come on what kind of sad, sick, demented girl can watch her friend snuggling with her guy and hop right into it the moment she leaves. 

part of me hopes to hear from them.  i want to hear them ask, no beg for forgiveness. to recognize that what they did was mean, selfish, hurtful, hateful even.  but i know i wont.  if i do hear from them itll be them continuing to justify theyre actions with, but you said i could, and i didnt know, and it wasnt that serious.  i know the best thing would be to never hear from them again.  people dont change at their core. their fundamental values of what they perceive as right and wrong are drilled into them at an early age.  in fact most people dont even need to be told that hurting your friends or taking their things is bad.  it would be one thing if they felt bad for what they did.  mistakes happen, i get that.  but i genuinely believe they both knew exactly what they were doing.  and i genuinely believe that i didnt cross their minds one time when they proceeded to stab me in the back.  so thanks friends, you're the best. you're certainly made for each other.

WHY THE F***does this always happen to me

I think it's happening again.  The butterflies in my stomach, the mysterious smile that creeps its way across my face when i see his texts.  That sense of anxious excitement when i know i get to see him that day.  Why...tell me WHY THE FUCK do i always fall for the wrong guys.  See here's the problem.  This guy is literally amazing, except when he's not.  Sometimes he can be so mean and insensitive you'd think he was born an asshole.  But i just cant seem to put my finger on exactly what causes him to flip a switch like that.  I think it has something to do with the drinking and the substances but hey it's all theories.  He really doesn't do that much.  Drinks everyday, yes.  I enjoy some wine/beer a few times a week, hey we all have our vices.  He also smokes weed at least once a week...i hate it.  It is fucking disgusting, but whatever...i get maybe life is too difficult to deal with sober (sad but true).  We've been dating for 4 months now and so far he's done 2 drugs that make me very uncomfortable.  As someone in the medical field and also as someone who cares deeply for this guy, I don't want to see him get hurt (which he has) while he's on that stuff.  And that's only the stuff I know about.  God knows what he's taken, whose he's doing, or where he's going that I dont know about.  So everytime he goes somewhere I think "is he on anything tonight?  is he going to do anything stupid and end up in the fucking hospital? is he going to fuck some random coke whore?"  I've had boyfriends who were pot dealers, boyfriends who ended up in the hospital due to their stupidity, boyfriends who were drowning in their own cloud of smoke, trust me...ive given the whole substance thing a real run.  And you know what?  I fucking hate it.  it makes me nervous, anxious in a hand wringing kind of way.  I dont want another call from the hospital...i dont want to have another fight over why weed is more important than me...i dont want to ever put myself in an area of gunfire ever again.  but then thats just it isnt it.  its not my choice.  its his choice.  i might be falling in love and willing to give up things i enjoy like sleeping with random hot men, but is he willing to give up things he enjoys for my peace of mind?  i dont think so . its not the first time ive dealt with something like this and it always ends up the same. doesn't matter if he's falling in love and ready to propose, the substance always wins.  why is that?  what is it about that stuff that is so freaking amazing that it gives you a better trip than being in love, being happy, having the love of your life or a family or the American dream?  maybe thats just my dream.  to be in a relationship that people look at and are insanely jealous of how much we love each other and how much we care for each other.  i dont want people to ask me where my boyfriend is and for me to have absolutely no idea where or what or who he's doing.  but how do you tell someone that in order for this relationship to move forward that he needs to grow up and give that stuff up. to realize that people care about his safety and hes not just some reckless 19 year old partying it up anymore.  but he's not my boyfriend.  he made that extremely clear last night...you know he used to introduce me by name...now he tells everyone this is my friend.  friend?  i tried out that word last night "boyfriend."  he stopped what he was doing, looked me dead in the eye and said "i am NOT your boyfriend."  funny thing is a few months ago thats all he wanted to be.  seems more and more all he wants is a fuck buddy.  i asked him if he was seeing multiple girls, i didnt get a straight answer.  i guess i dont mind but id like to know.  i hate liars. i hate being deceived.  maybe he is seeing other girls.  maybe when he says he's "busy" or "hanging with the guys" he's really slipping it to someone else as they say.  maybe he wanted to be my boyfriend but has since changed his mind but doesnt mind the tail action on the side.  i dont know. i dont know if this stuff would be better brought up before or after i leave the country for a month.  would it be better to know now that he doesnt want me and to spend all of europe getting over him, or know now that he does want me and spending all of europe tied to a boyfriend.  or better yet coming home after a month and finding out hes slept with half of los angeles and that he doesnt want me then immediately ruining my vacation high and plunging me into some sort of depression.  i dont know. he says i dont understand hallucinogens and pills.  not personally no...i just know biologically what they do to a person.  and i know what they do to the men ive loved.  and i just cant go through it again. but then i lose him. course if he's so attached to that stuff that he's willing to give up love i suppose ive already lost him.  or maybe he just isnt falling for me the same way i am for him.  why...WHY THE FUCK does this always happen to me?

weird space

weird space right now. weird space in mind that is like a dark pit.  nothing going in, nothing coming out.  just a hole of blackness in my soul that i cant seem to shed any light on.  im unhappy.  not sure what it is that is making me unhappy, not even sure if i actually am unhappy.  i just know that im not at optimum happiness which is what i guess we all strive for.  its strange you know.  turning down so many great guys and for what.  i cant seem to form human connections anymore.  whether its with people im dating or people im friends with that bond that was so strong, that ability to read someone's emotions, actions, and to respond...its just gone.  everything else is in tact.  the lights are definitely on at home but its like the outlets in one room just aren't working.  gotta call an electrician.  2013 is the year for doing shit...for getting it done.  everything ive ever wanted can be mine with hard work, luck, and a whole lot of guts.  for the last 3.5 years i have been searching for someone.  for that special someone.  for someone who will love me and cherish me and believe that i am enough, that i am not perfect but im wonderful.  someone who will accept by bold, blunt attitude but also appreciate my softer romantic side.  someone who knows how to let me have my freedom but also when to draw me back in and say ok v, that's enough.  a man's man as they say, but also a gentleman.  my friends know that the type of guy i need is very specific, very rare, or pretty much non-existant.  but after all the bull shit and the heart ache and the boys i dont know what i believe anymore.  i dont know who i am anymore.  i dont know what i want and even if i did i dont know how to get it.  my soul has a black hole in it, like a missing puzzle piece, like all the lights in the house are on except that one dark window in the corner.  i need that fucking light to go on.  i need that hole to be filled.  once i am complete again i wont be as erratic, overcompensating, unpredictable.  maybe when i am whole again my prince can find me and we can be happy.  how can i expect me to find him or him to find me if im not, well, 100% present.  im leaving for Europe for a month.  im heading out to the new world to find the old me.  somehow in the mess of moving, new jobs, boys, everything, i lost me.  and u know how to find urself?  get lost in everything else.  i know it sounds weird but sometimes people describe being too familiar with their surroundings and it causes them to come into a routine.  into a rut as they say.  take away the home, the friends, the language, the food, the people and replace them all with foreign senses and all ur left with is u.  very counter intuitive but know itll work.  when i went to australia i came back a different person. went i moved into that lady's basement in norcal i became a different person.  and since moving back to la ive kinda lost sight of my person.  time for another massive trip.  a month of exploration, discovery, exhilaration and exhaustion.  and maybe, just maybe when i came back, everything will even out.  and all the little problems will be just that, little.