so ive decided upon many things tonite. there's been a lot of stuff happening lately that im not terribly happy with, for instance...med school. yup that whole thing fell through and now im studying for the gre and applying to grad school then after the year off going for med school. sometimes i find myself up in the middle of the night unable to sleep im so anxious about the fact that im attempting to get a masters and doctoral degree. is it possible? the journey is so long. will i burn out? and ultimately, will it make me happy? will i be living the dream that ive been thinking of for so long or does my true calling still lie out there? i'd have to say i haven't had any major breakthroughs since high school and the assurance that i had as a kid is completely gone and now all i am is scared. scared to leave the comfort of ucla, scared to venture off into the world and become a grown woman. for christ's sake i can't even hold a relationship for longer than 3 months how the hell am i supposed to have a career and a family and investments and blah blah blah. i mean seriously, does anyone else feel like sometimes its just too much. that sometimes you just want to go to bed and wake up 10 years later when you're ready? so many questions and zero answers, just taking each day one step at a time and following my gut and hoping it'll take me somewhere. one of my biggest fears is working so hard and getting all the way to my residency and deciding you know..medicine just isnt for me. what a waste of time and effort that would be. and yet somehow i continue to trek on as if im sure that that is what i want when in fact im actually quite unsure about it.
havent even gotten to talk about the boy curse yet. for instance, guy that i hooked up with down under/hooked up with this summer now has a gf. keep in mind there was only a 3 week span of time between "you should come visit more" and "___ _____ is in a relationship" on facebook. i mean seriously, and they write on each other's walls and it honestly sickens me everytime i see it. im like ok he mustve been dating her or at least had some relations with her when we hooked up even if they werent official, then whats all this bull crap of 'come visit more' and why the f**** was he flirting the entire weekend i was up there? thats just one of many examples that i dont feel like delving into right now of how im totally and utterly boy cursed. im not doing well academically, not romantically, my family is falling apart, my money is drying up, and all in all im supposed to slap on a face and pretend like everything's ok when really i just want someone to sit next to me and be like no..no nothing's ok and ur life pretty much sucks right now but we'll get through this and ill be there for you every step of the way. and i suppose thats what best friends are for but honestly they have their own problems to worry about and i dont like bothering other ppl with my issues. *sigh* whatevs, its like 1am and i can't sleep. plus im a week late..which isnt too scary considering ive been up to 2 weeks late before and am almost consistently a week late (in which case i dont think it would be considered late anymore) but anywho, thats just one more thing to worry about. im not sure if this makes sense to anyone or if anyone reads these blogs, but id like to think that somewhere out there someone can understand what im going through even if i dont even know their name.
live ur life
-Victoria Niles
2 comments:
Wow V, I have discovered your blog! Interesting, because I too want to start a blog someday... When I do you will be sure to tell you. Anyway, I wish that I could understand what you are going through. I wish I could say some magic words to remedy your concerns here, but I don't have those. All I can say, both honestly and anonymously is that you don't give yourself enough credit.
I don't know what you have to put up with, but I find I can relate a lot with the guys section and later blogs. Guys are so lame sometimes, but viv you are so independent or i have always seen you as one of the most indepedent woman I know.
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