I'm leaving on a jet plane

dont know when ill be back again...actually ill be back on monday night. Flying to nyc this weekend to see lover! and to catch up with a few other new yorkers that i haven't seen in ages, and by ages i mean YEARS.  which brings me to my next point.  friends are like really good books. we meet people and books the exact same way.  you look over and if the cover seems interesting enough you walk over for a closer look.  or maybe you get past all that awkwardness casue your friend introduces you and so you already know this new book is going to be at least not terrible since your friend liked it and you trust your friend. 

then maybe you'll read the back cover and get a general gist of what this books all about and if THAT seems intriguing enough you'll open the book and start reading.  Now everyone reads books differently. i know some people that like to steadily read a book a chapter a day til the whole thing gets read.  some people like to go to the end, figure out what thats all about and then read the beginning.  and then theres folks like me who will read the book until i feel like putting it down and that a judgement for me on how good that book is.  Same way when I talk to people.  If the first minute seems interesting enough I'll continue that conversation until it stops.  And the good friends, not just the filler friends that you invite to parties to make yourself seem cool, but the real ones that you really enjoy, the conversation never really ends.  you just love talking/being with them so much that you decide that although you have to go eat, sleep, and work you would still like to come back to this book and pick up right where you left off because the material is just so darn stimulating.

But alas, people move away, books get put in a box somewhere and all but forgotten about.  and from time to time something will trigger your memory and you'll say hey i remember reading a book like this once and it was awesome, i wonder whatever happened to it?  now most of the time these thoughts will fade as soon as theyre formed until the next time you see that back or someone talks about it then you'll jump in the convo with nothing but great things to say about it.  But sometimes, sometimes you just can't get that darn book out of your head and you keep wondering where the hell did it go..SERIOUSLY!

and then you'll go digging through the boxes of books (or your contacts list) and find this oldie but goodie that you havent seen in a while and immediately a smile spreads across your face. and you think "you know its been so many years since ive read this book i dont even remember exactly what happens.  i know the general plot line, and the few crucial details that stuck in my mind but i just dont remember its entirety."  and so you open the book and start reading and you remember all the reasons why you liked it in the first place.  the flow of the words, the personality of the story that just leaps off the page, the feeling you get as you continue to turn the pages.  and before you know it you're off again on this fantastic adventure.  when you finally finish and you put the book down you realize that although the book is the same, the journey this time was different.  and you will continue to discover that everytime you read this book the journey will be a little different.  because you're different and so you pick up on things from this book that you wouldn't have deemed significant or relative before. 

Good friends get mentioned in passing conversations and are thought of from time to time and if they're in the area you say hi and you'll catch up and its all hunky dory.  Best friends are the ones that you can pick up years later and start yet another wondrous adventure when you will learn new things about them that you didn't notice before because you're different now and so you relate to different aspects of their personality.  and as corny as it sounds, great friends (no matter how far away or how long its been) never get old.  and the absolute best thing about a best friend is that everytime you see them....read them...you get to fall in love all over again.  Besties you know who you are and I truly believe that karma has blessed me in letting me have not one, but so many of you in my life.  can't wait til our next adventure even if its years from now, cause i know itll be just as fabulous as the first time. <3

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles

New Year's Resolutions

so i realize i havent been on this in a bit but honestly with the holidays and blah blah blah its been quite a busy month for me.  BUT not to worry I have plenty of gossip for y'all.  first things first I would like to say that I believe New Year's Resolutions is a load of bull.  Everyone says theyre gonna do all these amazing things but nothing gets done.  3 weeks later the gyms are empty, diets have been abandoned, and ppl are back at the bars drinking as much as they were prior to theyre "im drinking less" idea.  so when people ask me if i have any new years resolutions i say no...why?...because if i want shit to get done i will make it happen and i don't need a special date to kick my but into gear.  however, in the spirit of things i have formulated a list of goals for this upcoming year of 2011 and have decided in honor of it being my year (the rabbit) I will meticulously document everything that happens to me this year (and by meticulous i really mean once a week will be a stretch for me).  so to kick this blog off lets start with that list shall we?

1. I will get my abs back...so help me god I will look amazing damn it!
2. I will swear to celibacy (before u freak out and think im a reformed sinner let me clarify).  I will ONLY have sex with a guy if and only if we are actually dating.  Dating is qualified as 2 months of continual contact, dates, and actual feelings for each other.  SOOO for all you users out there (and deep down you know who you are) sorry but these legs are CLOSED.
3.  I will break even by 3/31 and save 70% of every paycheck starting 4/1. lord help me
4. I will find a job in la or nyc...i will be picky and i will not settle for anything less than im worth.
5. I will save 1 day a week to myself.  That means no friends, no family, no nobody.  Just vivian, the sunshine, a cup of java and maybe a trip to the mall.
6.  I will start reading for pleasure again.  I miss it, so in an effort to culture myself I will read 1 book a month for the rest of the year.
7.  I will visit la at least 2 more times this year.  Friends are as important as family and should be treated as such, especially since yall are so darn close.
8.  I will not...REPEAT WILL NOT..let a boy make me cry this year.  I am totally awesome and as Aneea would say should never compromise myself.
9.  I will not give into the temptation of drink.  Everytime I think to myself "wow I could use a drink" I will put my glass down.  Drinking should be for pleasure not for relief. (although I fully believe I have lots to drink for)
10.  And lastly, I will not raise my voice at my mother this year.  That's right, you heard it hear first.  Knowing me this will be by far the hardest "resolution" for me to keep, but possibly the most important.  Fact: I love my mother.  Fact: She is a crazy bitch.  Fact: My mother loves me.  Fact: I will treat her like someone who loves me, not a crazy bitch (even though she is one...let's just reiterate that)

OK so there's my beautiful list of resolutions and I will try my best to stick to them.  I will put them in my phone and carry them with me wherever I go and inform you guys as to my progress.  That being said onto the fun stuff.

I am currently sitting in Starbucks at hacienda crossings (which is the central hub of all social interactions in pleasanton) and just witnessed a most hysterical situation.  3 girls (hs seniors..MAYBE college freshman) were sitting at a table to my right. A boy (and I say boy because only a boy would try to pick up on 3 hs girls wingmanless at a startbucks in ptown) walks up to the girls and awkwardly starts a conversation.  I believe the opening line was "hey do you guys know _____?" which of course the girls answered no.  and then he proceeds to tell them that he is a pscyhology/biochemistry double major (everyone ooooo cause its really impressive) at which the girls respond "o wow really!"  and then he proceeds to tell them that he saw them through the window of starbucks and that they looked really nervous and how he can tell because one was twirling her hair and the other was biting her lip....at this point the couple sitting across the table from me have also picked up on this hilarity and we have proceeded to give each other an "are you seroius" look.  Eventually the guy gets the hint and apologizes for interupting their conversation and leaves starbucks.  The girls giggle because im sure none of them have ever received that kind of male attention before (they were not attractive at all) only to be approached by yet another boy (and i use the term boy loosely cause this guy was at least 30) who opened with "can you believe that guy, wasn't he weird?"  and they giggled and i died inside laughing because im thinking "you think HE'S WEIRD! HAHAHAHAHA"  o but it gets better....so boy number 2 leaves and boy number 1 comes BACK INTO STARBUCKS...i repeat he returns to the scene of the crime and attempts try number 2.  This time he opens with "I'm sorry I just have to make sure, you guys really don't know ____?" they returned with "nope, we don't know him" and he goes ok sorry again to interrupt your conversations, bye and they say see you in a minute! and at this point i cannot contain my laughter and me and the couple start busting up laughing.  *sigh* the lesson ladies and gentlemen is not my shitty grammar (which ive just realized i only used quotation about half the time they were appropriate) but that boys will do anything in their quest to impress a female, and even the things they say they wont do they wont do because they want to give females a certain impression of them and thus are still trying to impress the females.  I do not include males in this conversation because gay boys and straight boys flirt completely differently and honestly i believe that open gay boys have the type of confidence in themselves that the rest of us only dream of and thus do not have to waste their time impressing their mates because..well they already know how impressive they are lol.

Alright i belive that is enough for one night...lots of stuff has happened this month of january that im sure will come up later in blogging so i will not fret you with the details now.  until we meet again (which will hopefully be next week)...

LiVe Ur LiFe,
Victoria Niles

is it time?

update: i actually got the job i interviewed for and have been working there for about a month now.  havent talked to the afore mentioned fellow in a few weeks and just started dating this new one...who lucky for me is leaving fairly soon to the one of two places i would rather be over everywhere else in this world, los angeles.

im just gonna say this once...i freakin miss LA.  i miss the people, the sun, the beaches, the smog, the superficiality, the shopping, the nightlife, the daylife, bascially everything.  i miss my friends and the network i created while i was down there.  i suppose im just biding my time while im here in the bay but seriously its just not working.  as my friend says, currently probably at about 70% happiness right now....but i could be 100% happiness. 

i feel like my fire is out, like everyday just rolls into the next and my life has become a string of meaningless moments interupted by the occasional "aha" only to continue droning on.  i don't wanna wake up one day feeling like the last few years of my life have just flown by and ive missed all of it.  that is why people i have decided...F THIS I AM GETTING THE HELL OUT OF THE BAY!

don't get me wrong, i love my job and the people i work with. im stoked that my mom and i are actually getting along, love that i have money to finally start giving back to everyone whose been so helpful (and get a little somethin somethin for myself) and i absolutely love my kids (i currently am tutoring...7 students, feels like im raising 7 teenagers haha).  but honestly i am gonna start saving and looking for jobs in la and nyc starting....right now.  it wont be as crazy as before where i spent literally hours everyday applying for jobs, but i will make a pact to look at the damn job website, and heavily consider each and every job in those 2 cities.  because someday (hopefully soon) i will find the perfect job in the perfect city and have the perfect amount of work experience that they'll actually interview me.  and probably after a few interviews (because let's be honest, snagging the job after 1 interview is quite rare and i doubt itll happen to me twice) i will land a wonderful nuc med tech job in a fabulous city with my best friends and a million reasons to get a whole new wardrobe.

thank you to my girls for constantly reminding me that i need to be back with them, thanks to my friend for giving me the push i needed to be like "what the f am i doing, if i wanna leave i should just do it," and thanks to the boy for giving me fresh inspiration to set a damn goal and just do it.  because life is measured by the adventures we take and the milestones we achieve and sweet mother of God i am ready for an adventure.

its done

so they say in life when one door closes another one opens, the end of a chapter is the start of a new one...i say life forgot to mention the awkwardness between doors and chapters that so many of us are currently experiencing. just finished my nuclear medicine program in norcal, had to move out of that ladies place in june because i just couldn't be cinderella anymore. now i live in san mateo with the most awesomest landlady ever, 2 beautiful children and a doggie. my mother has moved back to the bay area (for good) and bought a place not too far from here. my friend and i are starting our own business and im tutoring 4 different people. i have a job interview next thursday that i am totally psyched for and i guess from the outside looking in id say all is well.

why is it then that im still so ...lost? everyone is telling me that everything will turn out great. im bright, outgoing, hardworking, and applying for jobs like crazy. something is bound to turn up and when it does it'll be fabulous. right?...RIGHT?! i dunno, call me crazy but i feel like im living in limbo right now. neither here nor there. not happy but not sad. i want so many things and at the same time i have no idea what i want at all.

had 2 boyfriends this year (well one undeclared and one official but lets be honest it was 2). first one didnt work out because he liked me more, second one didnt work out because i liked him more...now im dating...seeing...hanging out with...sleeping with? this new guy and i have absolutely no idea how he feels about me. some days he'll be sweet and protective and just make me feel so freakin special. and then some days he makes me feel like a 50 cent whore. i want him to like me and care about me and go on romantic dates and be all cheesy. but i also dont want to get involved with someone right now. i want to be free and independent and be able to make important life decisions without feeling clouding my judgement and yet...i also really want to fall in love again.

there's a type of love that you have for a person that you care about and that you would really put yourself out there for. and then there's being in love. however fleeting, being in love is possibly the best feeling in the world. you dont think about anything else except that other person. all your problems seem to melt away as if nothing else in the world could even concern you at the moment because you are so wrapped up in feeling fantabulous with the other person. days seem to blow by like the sands of time and moments can last for an eternity. although i have loved a couple guys i have only ever truly been in love once. a long time ago. and i have to honestly say im ready to feel that feeling again. i want to find someone to just lose myself in and to have him daydream about me all the time and to write his name on all my notebooks. alas i do not believe this is in the cards for me because someone keeps sending me guys that either dont care about me or that i cant get into...either way im trying to keep myself busy with independent projects, reconciling with my mother and finding employment.

but i cant help but feel like something is missing. i hope one day soon i will meet that someone or something that is missing and it will fill the whole in my heart. until then i will wander this earth lonely and absorbed in my work. it is the only way i know how to cope with the emptiness. prince charming if you're out there. i have faith we'll find each other..i only hope before its too late.

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles

have a little faith

Hey guys! i know its been forever (genuinely because i have absolutely no time at all) but i find myself oddly needing to vent for some reason. it could be because im under a ridiculous amount of stress and i cant seem to allocate any time to "get it off my chest." i am currently in a nuclear medicine technology training program in Palo Alto, CA. People always asks me how i got into nuclear medicine and honestly i can say it was a whirlwind of an adventure. decided last year around chrismast time (as you can see in my previous post) that i no longer wanted to go to medical school or grad school or any other sort of formal higher education. i was just done with all of it. done with the endless nights of studying, the textbooks i never read, the people id have to compete with just to get a passing grade and the cut throat competition that is really just not healthy in an educational environment. but i wasn't ready to go to work yet either. the real world scared me, still does actually. so i was looking for a happy medium...who am i kidding i had no idea what the hell i was looking for i was just shooting bullets into a dark space hoping to hit something...and i did! friend's mom told me to look into being an ultrasound tech that way i can still stay in healthcare in case i decide to go back to med school...looked into it, decided i didnt like it, but this nuc med thing sounded way fun! (it was another program offered at Kaiser so it showed up in the search). applied to a few programs and waited...

spring break comes along and im in new york city with one of the many men i have around the country waiting to date me should i choose to move to their location and i get a phone call. it's my mentor from Hopkins! (i interned there two summers in a row and we developed a bond). she is offering me a job. The Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public fucking Health is saying "[Victoria], if we get the grant you are our first pick for the new research assistant." well ill be damned, maybe my luck is turning around (after such a horrible bad streak at the beginning of college). also while in nyc i interview for a nuc med tech program in new york city and WOOHOO got one of the covetted spots in the class of 2010 on the spot. WTF....went to italy and came back and the lady i worked for during the school year (in a fish lab) says there is a new research assistant job available starting in the summer and that i would be an excellent candidate and that i surely should apply because i have been working in the lab already....ok u have to keep in mind this all happened starting April...April folks....i also find myself getting called back for an interview at this program in palo alto and before u know it im driving up to norcal to impress everyone with my amazingess! june comes around, i miraculously pass all my classes and am left with the decision to turn down some job offers. i decided with Palo Alto, dont ask me why i turned down hopkins it just didnt feel right. looked good on paper, didnt feel right...and the one thing ive learned in college is to go with ur gut because it is instictually always correct. now im left with another problem, moving back home...

now it is just not ok to live at home, what with the 1 hour commute one way and the whole mother thing and how i swore id never be that kid who moved back home after college i was stuck. although the program's tuition was covered by the govnt i had no money to live or pay rent (given my mom doesnt feed me anyway but still). ok then craigslist it is! after a million emails, interviews, dissapointments and sleepless nights i started the program. the first couple weeks were tough, and what was worse is that my mom's 27 year old ex-boyfriend decided to move in with us...and my dad...FML. miraculously i was able to land a job in exchange for rent in a great neighborhood 5 minutes away from the hospital. dont ask me how but with my extremely limited hours i was surprised to find anyone to take me in at all (i think the poor woman pitied me...but ill take it).

its now september and i am still amazed at everything that has happened since ive decided to take control of my life. in fact i can remember almost the exact point in time that happened. i always was the rebellious type and i hated listening to my mom but i always eventually listened...until Cinderella. thats right folks i was in Roger & Hammerstein's Cinderella my senior year in high school. it was the first time i really really really wanted to do something, and even though my mother said no i put myself out on the line (and out of the house) just so i could do something i loved. now given i dont wanna be on broadway but it was extremely liberating to be doing something because i wanted to for a change and not for some alterior motive. ever since then ive started doing things because i wanted to. i went to ucla (not berkeley...mom wanted me to stay close to home..ew), majored in something people told me was too hard and FINISHED in four years on a govnt grant with no student loans mind u..suck on that! studied abroad even though my counselor told me i couldn't. joined a sorority even though mother said it woudlnt be worth it, loved and lost, dated ppl other ppl told me i shouldnt (that was a bad idea) and now im living on my own working 2 jobs (3 if u count tutoring) going to school, acing my quizzes and am working on a case study for a massive presentation this friday. can u believe it. ive done so much since i started living for myself and i realized this...

life is like ridiculously exciting once u start living it. sure its hard and it sucks at times (like when im exhausted and have to come home to scrub toilets) but thats what makes it worth while. because i hear ppl all the time tell me that they are amazed at all the stuff i have done by this age and u know what, i never stop to think and marvel at it myself because im always too busy looking for the next big thing to take on. o and ps im getting better at the dating thing as well..i think..lol who knows there's still time to master that skill.

I am 21 years old (almost 22) and i can say that i have gone through more than what most people have to go through by my age and i am proud to say that i am still here, still kickin (barely) and still loving all of it. i am currently broke, my car is dying, i clean someone elses toilets, and i work like a slave everyday while taking six classes at a time and u know what...i fuckin kick ass at it. so if anyone needs a little inspirational talk, dont hesitate to ask cause as i always say, you'll figure it out just like i did. =)

Life ur Life,
Victoria Niles

funny story

so um the post below this one is definitely that of my roomate sonia who just studied abroad in spain. unfortunately i was no so lucky to do so and i have been stuck here in los angeles for the past 3.5 years. Haven't written on this in while and ive been meaning to write more often but i cant seem to find the time. actually i cant seem to find the time to do much of anything anymore. i find my life becoming completely void of all purpose as if in a stand still. im just stalling right now til something comes along to kick me in the ass. for those who dont know im not applying for medical school anymore or at least not anytime soon. I am looking into certifcation in nuclear medicine technology, which would be cool, and at least give me something to do and some cash to live off of while i figure my life out. sometimes i wish there was a roadmap to life, can u just imagine how much easier it would be to actually live and enjoy our time here if we didnt spend so much of it trying to figure out what the fuck is going on? im ridiculously jealous of people who know what they want in life and are going for it. i remember what that felt like a couple years ago, and now ive become the epitome of what i strived hardest to avoid: ending up a college grad who has no idea what they want to do or where they're going to go. at first it was strangely liberating but now..now its just unecessarily daunting. in any case now im just rambling about all the horriblness that is school and work and not fun stuff...lets talk about fun stuff, like dating.

so one of my friend's is like the date master and is currently semi-seeing three to four guys right now (the last one is yet to be determined). they are all ridiculously good looking and fun people. wtf..she has three and a half and i cant even get one. though at one point in time i had three, then zero, and now one...sort of..though after last night im not sure anymore. question for the ladies, do u ever find urself believing someone even though u know the probablity of them not telling the truth is high? i mean a guy tells u o i dont just hook up with ppl...uh huh...and then an hour later u find urself getting booted from his apartment and ur like wow really...i shouldve seen that coming. and gentlemen, girls would rather u be brutally honest. we understand just needing to "get some" trust me..me of all ppl..lol, but dont tell a girl that u find her fun and interesting and that ull call her and that ull hang out and that ur "not that type of guy" and that u take offense when she compares u to all the other guys she's been with because guess what, u try to pull that shit on her and then end up turning into another one of her statistics. its cruel and rude..just be like look i dont want to date people right now im enjoying being single..and most likely she'll be like ok thats cool and that way at least when she gets attached u can be like well i told u i didnt want anything, rather than her being all like well great he told me all these grandiose claims of being amazing and really he's just an ordinary tool. sorry i know that was mean but ive been recently disappointed so i need somewhere to let it out.

ok i feel like im done typing for now, possibly ill be blogging later, we'll see. in any case i really hope that my life will turn around somehow, i feel like not only am i ready for a change, but honestly i deserve it. for those with the benefit of having at least some things go your way, don't ever forget to

Live ur Life,
Victoria Niles

Eurotrip!!!

I figure I should say at least something about my very own EUROTRIP! Well, you see, Spain was now behind me and all of Europe was starring right back at me. I had 10 days as a backpacker. Hostels, trains, and cheap meal, I did it all with my wonderful friend and buddy. Here are a few words to describe the places I visited:

Italy: expected sites, eggplant pizza, caramel creme gelato, roman columns

Switzerland: pointy, dreamy alps, dead trees

Dublin, Ireland: subway sandwiches, diversity, Irish spirit

The trip was perfect. From indulging on marinera pizza in Italy to resorting to loaves of bread in our last days, each ingredient made my 10 days the tastiest days of my life. I was full off of life.