please give me strength to fall

i was once asked, "how do u miss someone uve never hung out with?" have u ever met a person who instantaneously impessed u. whether it be with their smile, their demeanor, their words. one moment ur perfectly satisfied that there are no more interesting ppl in the world other than the ones u already know and then out of nowhere comes an indvidual who seems most intrigueing. and as u begin to talk all of a sudden u feel like their filling spaces of ur soul. spaces until then, u were convinced no longer existed (or simply ones u didnt know existed at all).  now normally when u miss someone its because u miss the time u spent together or the  fun things u used to do. but when u miss someone uve never hung out with its the strangest feeling. its like ur life is perfectly fine the way it is and then u realize ur missing something u never knew was there. i suppose thats what ppl mean when they say u find someone and u wonder how u ever lived without them. in short i met a man a little bit ago who has for lack of a better phrase, turned my world upside down. never have i met an individual so infuriating and yet irresistably charming. and i find myself asking why...why am i so into this guy if sometimes he makes me so upset. those who know me know that not that many ppl throw me off kilter. i have confidence in myself and know just how awesome i am. (not to sound too cocky). and i figured it out,ppl normally dont frusrate me because honestly i dont really care for their approval. whats frustrating is ive become so intoxicated with the desire for this guy that i find myself doing everything in my power to ensure his affection. its ctually changing who i am and now i fear in my endeavor ive actually screwed my chances of winning him over. ive been asking the cosmos to give me the strength to fall in love again, and here i am at the edge of a cliff with the potential of falling into eternal bliss and happiness and a golden freakin lake of love and something is holding me back. i am so terrified of stepping off into the abyss only to discover theres nothing but dirt at the bottom.  i am scared to death that im gonna fall in love with him and he is going to decide that i wasnt what he wanted, or worse that he could do better. ive had bfs in the past but i was always in control of my emotions. the one time i decided t let go i was dropped on my ass and it has taken me years to emotionally fully recover. and i honestly dont think i could be betrayed like that again and live to see another day.
in short i really really want to fall into ur arms but i am scared shitless u wont be there to catch me. so please be patient with me and please will someone please give me a push. i am falling for u, i just need the courage and reassurance to let go. <3

its time

its amazing all that money can bring. clothes, shoes, hanbags, trips of a lifetime and sometimes even companionship. when everything is dark it brings the light, and when times are hard it brings relief. money seems like the answer to all life's problems. to be able to have the whole world at your fingertips, to do what u want, buy what u want, and go wherever u want. these are all the joys that i thought money would bring me...and yet no amount of high heels or sun filled vacations can fill this void in my life.
i find myself sitting still alone in my car in the dark. the familiar taste of tears on my tongue and the smell of sadness, no despair, fill my nostrils forcing its way into my brain bringing back floods of memories and feelings i thought were long gone. money would get me my own space, money would get me the friends i never had, money would make my mother proud, money would make me someone ppl would want to be around. if only i had a great job and an awesome degree, then people would startpaying attention to me. if only i could walk around with a title and a paycheck then the stench of failure would wash away. that feeling of worthlessness, hopelessness, almost self loathing. why cant i be prettier, sweeter, smarter. why is my smile never white enough, my hair never blonde enough, my height never tall enough, and my weight just never enough.
despite the job and the money, im still living under my mother's iron fist. still when i look up, the people i love are not there, still when i wake up i feel suffocated by my expectations and being unable to meet them. somehow its like i never grew up, never progressed. i jumped the nest so excited to finally stretch my wings and fly away, away to a new land of possibilities, freedom, and utter ecstasy. i open my eyes and instead im plummeting head first toward the earth. the ground is approaching quickly, and with each passing day i feel the pressure of my impending doom looming before me. it wont be long now before the floor and i become bffs. time to catch some air viv, before its too late.